The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Month: June, 2009

Comfort Wipe

Okay, this blog post might be a little late, but there is no time like the present to share with those, who haven’t seen the best informecial the is currently sweeping/wiping the nation! I first saw this infomersh on the blog DListed.com–which is one of my favorites. I love Michael K., the male gay that writes the blog; I feel like if we were to meet, we would get along. Anyways, he posted this video and once I saw it, I was basically sharing with everyone that I know. Here it is:

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! That is really my only response for this, because it is real. SO real. Here is  the website: Comfort Wipe.

There are so many classic lines to come from this one, 1 minute, 56 second commercial. Whoever wrote the script for this, is honestly one of the funniest people alive. Let’s go over my all of my favorites.

1. “For over 100 years, we have be scrunching and folding toilet paper.” Only 100 years? It feels more like a thousand! Why couldn’t anyone think of this sooner! Folding toilet paper is so tideous! It’s not like comes right of f of the roll pretty much folded for you!

2. “The first improvement to toilet paper as we know it, since the 1880’s!” What was the first improvement? No really? Because, now I had to go on Wikipedia for this, it seems like the first improvement would have been around 1857, when toilet paper became commercially avialable, before that it was hemp, lace (kinky!) , and wool for the weathly;  and leaves, hay, and stones (ow.) for the poor folk. It was first sold in packages of flat sheets–so maybe they are talking about a toilet paper roll as the first improvement. Me thinks I would rather have flat sheets than a stone to use. Their research needs some work!

3.  “Think about it: Toilet paper is really archaic and disgusting!” You know what else is archaic? That hairstyle! Kidding! Of all the words to describe toilet paper, ‘archaic’ was never really on the top of that list. Comfort Wipe loves the melodrama!

4. “Being a big guy certainly has it’s advantages; and it’s disadvantages.” That sentence should have ended with, “Thanks Comfort Wipe!” Apparently the main disadvantage to being a big guy is not being able to wipe yourself without the help of a stick. The advantage is being able to beat the shit out of someone for making fun of you for using Comfort Wipe.

5. “It’s embarrassing to have someone help you with your personal matters.” Like banking?

6. “Comfort Wipe allows you to maintain your dignity.” HA! I think your dignity flew out the window once you started endorsing a stick that helps you wipe yourself! Honestly one of the best lines ever. The way she flaps her hands about:



and looks so confident:



now that she can wipe herself, f-ing priceless.

I can’t wait until the extended, director’s cut version of this infomersh. Seriously, that will be some quality 2:30 am programming. Testimonials, demonstrations—I can only imagine the people that they would scrounge up. I hope they bring back the “dignity” biddy, she needs more airtime.  Also, they need a celebrity endorsement. I can picture Lindsay Lohan doing it. She seems pretty hard up for cash and a comeback!.

The whole idea of Comfort Wipe is so ridiculous, because it’s not really an improvement on toilet paper, because you still have to use toilet paper! In fact, I think it makes it a whole lot more complicated. And you still have to fold it or scrunch it to attach it to the comfort wipe, which is one of the things you were trying to avoid doing in the first place. What happens if the release button doesn’t work? Looks like someone is going to have to touch “dirty toilet tissue”. I feel like there are going to be a lot of people who buy the Comfort Wipe and end up the in emergency room with “accidents” hanging out of their ass.

Comfort Wipe is lies!  We should all be focusing on tiny, portable bidets. Comfort Mist!

No Whistling Zone

File this under “pet peeve” if you must, but hearing people whistle, aggravates me. I don’t mean a whistle to get someone’s attention, or whistling to hail a cab; I am talking about whistling a tune while on a train or a bus, whistling while you work, or WHISTLING FOR NO REASON AT ALL. Those caps indicated me shouting–that is how much I hate whistling! Don’t people understand that not everyone is interested in hearing them butcher innocent music notes with their inability to string them together into something decent? It doesn’t help they are always whistling at the worst possible time. No one wants to hear it in the morning before they have to go to their job they hate or in the evening after a long day at their job they can’t stand. Why are they whistling in the first place? Do they not have a job? Because if they had a job, they wouldn’t be so f’ing happy to the point that they are whistling like it is the best day in their whole g.d. life. 

I always think about telling them to shut up. Maybe saying something like, “Are you serious? Are you seriously whistling? When there are about 40 people in this subway car, who probably don’t want to hear it? Can it my friend, just f’ing can it.” Do they not realize how annoying it is to everyone? There should be “no whistling” zones, subways being the main one–or any public place, especially if it is a public place that I am likely to be at. Am I the only person who is bothered by whistling? Because if I am, I really need to rethink Earth as my planet of choice; because I’m not sure if I want to live in a world where people love whistling, it is just so, so annoying. I am normal and this is a normal feeling. End. of. story.

It’s the little things

At work today, I had the wonderful task of working behind our donations counter, which also serves as our bag check area. I really don’t like working there. Mostly because people donate garbage and I have to sort through it. They are also liars when they are filling out their donor forms for their taxes. Five used bras, a torn book, and a dirty plate do not equal: Five Designer tops, autographed Stephen King Novel (Hardcover), and Tiffany’s Vase; all to be valued at $1800. Assholes. They are all assholes. I hope they get audited. I also don’t like working donations/bag check because I hate having to making people check their bags. Sometimes I don’t want to touch their grimy personal belongings. It’s bad enough I’m sorting through trash, but now I have to guard someone’s dog carrier that has no dog, but a syringe (true story).

However, the main reason I don’t like working donations/bag check is because when someone comes over to the counter with an item I always have to ask, “Checking your bag? Or is it a donation?” Because the fury that would come down on me if I donated their tattered bath and body works bag with a week old newspaper and VHS copy of Kiss Me Guido (sort of true story, details have been changed) is not worth it, trust me. So, I would say that 95% of the time that I ask this question, “Bag check or donation”, I get the response: “Yes”.  I hope the people that are reading this blog, are the kind of people that see something wrong with that answer. They are two. separate. questions. Saying “yes” to both of them, doesn’t specify to me, the person who is working this shit job, what you want me to do with your g.d. items. You either want to donate them, or you want to check them, so I can guard them with my life. All I’m asking is for a little specification, which really isn’t asking all that much. It would take them literally almost no effort at all to say, “Yes, donations” or “Yes, bag check”. NO EFFORT.

I think this is somewhat similar to the the “Paper or Plastic” post, but I wouldn’t need to reiterate this problem, if people weren’t such morons. The assistant manager was at donations a few minutes after this whole ordeal happened for the millionth time, and I brought it up and she said, “You let the little things get to you.”  I don’t. This is not a little thing. This is a major problem facing America; the world, right now. People have stopped f’ing listening. You ask two different questions and they just say “Yes.” The people that I deal with on a daily basis are incredible idiots. INCREDIBLE. “This tag says, ‘not for sale’, does that mean that it’s not for sale?” Really? “It says furniture is 25% off, does that include clothes?” Really? I am not even exaggerating. These stop being little things when it happens every day, countless times a day. It turns in to one giant problem that is not going to be resolved unless these people magically stop being idiots. Which I doubt. Because the world doesn’t work like that. 

I am counting the days until I blow that popsicle stand! Only 3 months left!

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