Comfort Wipe

by M. Lizabeth Currain

Okay, this blog post might be a little late, but there is no time like the present to share with those, who haven’t seen the best informecial the is currently sweeping/wiping the nation! I first saw this infomersh on the blog DListed.com–which is one of my favorites. I love Michael K., the male gay that writes the blog; I feel like if we were to meet, we would get along. Anyways, he posted this video and once I saw it, I was basically sharing with everyone that I know. Here it is:

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! That is really my only response for this, because it is real. SO real. Here is  the website: Comfort Wipe.

There are so many classic lines to come from this one, 1 minute, 56 second commercial. Whoever wrote the script for this, is honestly one of the funniest people alive. Let’s go over my all of my favorites.

1. “For over 100 years, we have be scrunching and folding toilet paper.” Only 100 years? It feels more like a thousand! Why couldn’t anyone think of this sooner! Folding toilet paper is so tideous! It’s not like comes right of f of the roll pretty much folded for you!

2. “The first improvement to toilet paper as we know it, since the 1880’s!” What was the first improvement? No really? Because, now I had to go on Wikipedia for this, it seems like the first improvement would have been around 1857, when toilet paper became commercially avialable, before that it was hemp, lace (kinky!) , and wool for the weathly;  and leaves, hay, and stones (ow.) for the poor folk. It was first sold in packages of flat sheets–so maybe they are talking about a toilet paper roll as the first improvement. Me thinks I would rather have flat sheets than a stone to use. Their research needs some work!

3.  “Think about it: Toilet paper is really archaic and disgusting!” You know what else is archaic? That hairstyle! Kidding! Of all the words to describe toilet paper, ‘archaic’ was never really on the top of that list. Comfort Wipe loves the melodrama!

4. “Being a big guy certainly has it’s advantages; and it’s disadvantages.” That sentence should have ended with, “Thanks Comfort Wipe!” Apparently the main disadvantage to being a big guy is not being able to wipe yourself without the help of a stick. The advantage is being able to beat the shit out of someone for making fun of you for using Comfort Wipe.

5. “It’s embarrassing to have someone help you with your personal matters.” Like banking?

6. “Comfort Wipe allows you to maintain your dignity.” HA! I think your dignity flew out the window once you started endorsing a stick that helps you wipe yourself! Honestly one of the best lines ever. The way she flaps her hands about:

embarrassing!

embarrassing!

and looks so confident:

dignity!

dignity!

now that she can wipe herself, f-ing priceless.

I can’t wait until the extended, director’s cut version of this infomersh. Seriously, that will be some quality 2:30 am programming. Testimonials, demonstrations—I can only imagine the people that they would scrounge up. I hope they bring back the “dignity” biddy, she needs more airtime.  Also, they need a celebrity endorsement. I can picture Lindsay Lohan doing it. She seems pretty hard up for cash and a comeback!.

The whole idea of Comfort Wipe is so ridiculous, because it’s not really an improvement on toilet paper, because you still have to use toilet paper! In fact, I think it makes it a whole lot more complicated. And you still have to fold it or scrunch it to attach it to the comfort wipe, which is one of the things you were trying to avoid doing in the first place. What happens if the release button doesn’t work? Looks like someone is going to have to touch “dirty toilet tissue”. I feel like there are going to be a lot of people who buy the Comfort Wipe and end up the in emergency room with “accidents” hanging out of their ass.

Comfort Wipe is lies!  We should all be focusing on tiny, portable bidets. Comfort Mist!