Another One Bites the Dust

by M. Lizabeth Currain

Another Valentine’s Day has passed. And in keeping with tradition–a grand tradition if I may–it was spent alone. In all of my years alive, never have I spent a Valentine’s Day with that “special someone”. In all of my 24 years on this Earth–14 of them where I was old enough to care if I had a Valentine–spent alone. How sad for me. But not really, because it’s not like having a Valentine validates your worth as a person. Or does it? Maybe I missed that memo.

My fondest Valentine’s Day memory, is from when I was a Freshman in college and all of my two friends that year were both spending it at home, leaving me bored and alone in my dorm room. I was painting my fingernails and had just finished watching the “St. Valentine’s Day Massacre” on the History Channel and had moved on to something lighter–the movie PHILADELPHIA; which is probably the most depressing thing you can watch, on what can be an already pretty depressing “holiday”. I think I was eating a sandwich from our school “cafe” called the Teahouse. It was probably gross. Anyways, I’m watching Philadelphia, painting my nails, hoping for a swift and painless death, when there is a knock at my door. Who could it be? Just four or so of my closest foreign (male) friends holding a Valentine’s Day card for me! They were a rag tag bunch of dudes from various countries studying English at the EF school on our campus…which oddly enough is our campus now. They had all signed it; in their broken English. It was the best thing a single gal could ask for on her very first Valentine’s Day out of high school. Then they left and I went back to eating my sandwich and crying as Tom Hanks’s character is dying from AIDS. The only question that comes out of this, is: WHY WOULD TNT SHOW PHILADELPHIA ON VALENTINE’S DAY?!?!

That story isn’t really the point of this post. The point of this post wast to let all of you know that my Valentine’s Day did not pan out the way that I had hoped for…in any of the various versions that I had created in my mind. All of these fantasies are based at work, because that’s where I was spending my Valentine’s Day–I had to keep it somewhat based in reality. They all involve my customer boyfriend. Now before all of you think I’ve gone off the deep end, let me just make a few things clear. This is a guy that comes into the store usually about once a week, never buys anything–except for one time a little over a year ago. Whenever he comes in, he always waves and says “hi” to me. And on his way out, he always makes sure to say goodbye. One time, he was outside of the store and made sure to wave goodbye to me, from outside–I LOVE HIM. Anyways, we are on a first name basis with each other. We’ve talked a couple of times. I’ve made him laugh…and frankly, there is nothing hotter than when a hot guy is laughing at something I’ve said. I know a surprising amount of information about him–THAT I DIDN’T GOOGLE OR FACEBOOK (mainly because he is ungoogleable. Believe me. I tried.) I’ve forgotten where I am trying to go with this…probably in the direction that makes me sound less pathetic. He is manly. He isn’t on of these manboys, who is built like a Jonas Brother.

I am pretty sure that they all have vaginas.

Basically, I choose to believe that the only reason he comes into where I work is to see me, but he is just too shy to ask me out. That is what gets me through the day. Hopefully, he never reads this.

Right. The different ways I was hoping my Valentine’s could go.

Version 1: I am at the register, there isn’t a line. I probably look bored and uninterested in what is going on around me–typical. I see him come into the store. He’s carrying flowers. Not roses, because that’s dumb. Maybe lilies? or possibly a plant–because that would be different and special. He comes to the register and says, “These are for you. I just want you to know that I’ve been coming here just to see you. You’re so beautiful. I’d come every day, but I don’t want to be like the rest of these losers. I’ve been wanting to ask you out for the longest time and I just couldn’t wait anymore. I hope I’m not embarrassing myself…” and of course I am like “hell no you aren’t embarrassing yourself, I have been waiting for this day to come for FOREVER.”  And we live happily ever after.

Version 2: I am work…maybe working at the register or maybe I am picking up after people out on the sales floor. A customer asks me a question and doesn’t like the answer I am giving them and they start yelling at me. Lets say it’s a male customer, because this happens a lot, because men who don’t know me seem to think it’s okay to berate me at my place of work. I’m just standing there clenching my fists and rolling my eyes like always. Anyways, while this is going down and he comes into the store and sees what is happening and rushes over to me. He tells the guy to shut the fuck up or there is going to be a problem. The guy leaves, cause he doesn’t want to get punched in the face. My customer boyfriend hugs me and asks me if I’m okay. I tell him I am and he is all like, “I don’t want you working here anymore. This place is shitty. You are better than this. You deserve better than this. Let me take care of you. I want you to pursue whatever makes you happy, I don’t want you to have to worry about shit like this anymore. You deserve to do what you want to do. I want you to be happy.”  and I’m all like, “HELLS YEAH  you can take care of me. Let me go grab my purse.” Fuck this working bullshit, let me pursue my dreams and not have to clean up after jackals who can’t hang back up a shirt ’cause they are lazy. (ed.’s note: I am a totally self sufficient female. I live by myself, pay my own bills, clean up after myself, cook my own meals, I am smart and capable of providing everything for myself, ON MY OWN. HOWEVER. This does not mean, that I don’t think it would be nice, if someone wanted to do that shit for me. I would love to not have work at some shitty job that takes up most of my valuable time in order to pay my own bills. It sucks.)

Version 3: I am leaving work and see him standing outside waiting for me. It’s snowing…he says “hi” and hands me a card. And it says, “When I saw your face and heard your voice, I felt my life begin.”  I smile and look at him. And he kisses me….aaaaand we live happily ever after.  (ed.’s note: That saying is from an actual Hallmark card…I used to work at a Hallmark and I would buy cards for the  (sometimes) interesting sayings or pictures on them. That one was one of my favorites.)

Since none of my original Valentine’s Day plans panned out, you may be wondering how I actually spent the day. Well, I spent most of it at work. Then I came home, made myself some pasta, with Morning Star Farms italian sausage, watched Brief Interviews with Hideous Men (meh. It wasn’t that good. I am sure the book is probably better.)  on Netflix Instant and ate some cookies. And then, because I’ve been reading this book called Seagalogy, I decided to watch a Steven Seagal film. My first ever. I started with Hard to Kill. It does not disappoint. Especially with gems like this:

As I was watching the movie, I started grossing myself out, because I was like, “he’s not that bad looking.” and when I say “he” I am referring to STEVEN SEAGAL. Which is gross. But this was 1990. So it was like sort of acceptable to think he was okay looking. I mean, this is what he looked like back then:

Ugh, I totally gross myself out.

All in all, Valentine’s Day wasn’t so bad!

Feel free to share you Balemtime’s Day stories in the comments and also if you have any suggestions on how to get my customer boyfriend to ask me out, leave those in the comments too! Why wouldn’t he want to ask me out?! I am smart, funny, and waaaay pretty according to creepy old men!