The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Month: February, 2011

Retail Idiot

So, yesterday after my class got out, I decided it was time that I finally bite the bullet and buy some new bras. Ugh, bra shopping is the worst. It’s like no bra is the same and you have to try on fifty thousand, to find one that fits. Bra shopping is a less than pleasant experience, to say the least. I decided not to go to Victoria’s Secret this time because it’s always so crowded and their bras fit weird. For a store that a majority of American women shop at, their bras are not really designed for the average American body type. Which is unfortunate, because their bras are really cute.

These guys deserve cute bras too!

Anyways, I decided to drag my ass to Lane Bryant–even though the store depresses me. It reminds me of when I was much, much fatter and thought that the stuff they sold was cute. I think the problem with “plus size” clothing is that there only seems to be two types of it available. Middle-aged work wear and club wear.  At least that’s how it all looks to me. It’s not really my style. Now I’m less fat, and capitalizing on all the over-sized shirts that are being sold in “regular” stores. I’m getting off-topic. I went to Lane Bryant, ’cause at least their bras come in more colors than beige, black, and white gray (which are the colors I ended up buying. The other colors and prints they had were kind of ugly).

Fifity hours later, I emerged triumphant from the fitting room and headed towards the cashier. I was waiting in line for what felt like FOREVER, because for some reason people can’t ever make decisions about what they are buying before they get to the register. Eventually, I got to pay and then I was outta there. Since Macy’s was near by, I decided to stop in, because I like torturing myself. There’s never really anything good in there and it’s always a mess. I basically walked in one door and out one the other side. Funny thing was, I set the off the sensors at Macy’s on my way in and on my way out. I always stop when I set it off,

Get it?! haha!

even though I know I didn’t steal anything. The security guard didn’t even want to stop me, he just sort of looked at me and was all, “Do you have anything from Macy’s in your bag?” and I said “No” and that was that. So for all you shoplifters out there–it seems as though stealing from Macy’s would be pretty easy.

When I got outside, I looked in my bag and, I saw a security tag on not one of my items…but ALL THREE. Seriously? I would have been less irritated if it had only been one, but all of them? Give me a break. I end up going back to Lane Bryant, where, I guess, their security sensors at the door don’t work very well because they didn’t go off when I had walked out the first time or when I walked back in. I got the tags taken off and that was that.

Now, I try to be understanding to people who work in retail, because hey, I’ve been there. I worked one of the shittiest retail jobs for 2 and a half years, and probably would still be working there if I hadn’t quit to live off of student loans while in grad school. I worked other retail jobs briefly, I get it, it sucks, a lot. You don’t want to be there, the majority of the people you interact with are annoying, the pay isn’t that good, the hours are bad, I understand. That’s why I always try to be nice when I buy something–I try to make up for shitty customers that they might have had.

WHAT MY POINT IS, is that, if you are going to be working in retail for the rest of your life, which clearly you are, you might as well try to be good at it. I mean, you work in a clothing store where 100% of the items have security tags on them! It should be a natural reaction to look for them and take them off! Again, mistakes happen, I get it. I really do. But a mistake would have been one security tag. Not all three. I don’t see that girl going anywhere outside of retail, which is why she might want to start getting good at working behind a cash register. When I worked in the hellhole that is retail, I could at least do my job! In fact, I was way better at my job than I should have been for how much I was getting paid. Get with the fucking program already. It’s retail, it’s not rocket science. I can’t be the only person that feels this way. I mean, you might as well be good at your job while you’re working there right? Or am I completely alone on this?

Either way, my boobs look fantastic.

Racist Deli

We all make a lot of compromises in life. A lot of those have to do with our personal beliefs and where we happen to spend our money. Sometimes you don’t know, until it’s too late, and you’re already hooked. This is one of those stories.

A couple of summers back, when I was contemplating my place in life and subletting a room in a stranger’s apartment , I would go to this deli that was right at the end of the block. It was convenient, open late, cheap, and they consistently made good sandwiches. The perfect ratio of turkey, swiss, mayo…the lettuce was shredded and they always asked if you want salt and pepper on your sandwich. It was perfection.

At the end of my sublet, I ended up moving to an apartment that was about 7 blocks away. There were new delis to be had and new sandwiches to be eaten. The only one that I like is the Dominican one up the street from me, but they always close early. And they close on federal holidays, which I think is weird, because it’s New York! Things are supposed to be open ALL THE TIME. Also, the guys in that deli are cute. The other delis near me are kind of dank and one has a cat. The last time I bought something at a deli that had a cat, well, it was traumatizing. I bought a small bag of chips after a concert and I opened the bag and grabbed a chip like a normal person, however, when it got to my lip, I realized the chip was wet. ALL THE CHIPS WERE WET. It was horrifying. How do chips even get wet? I blame the cat. I don’t know how, but I just do. ahem.

So, the day after Thanksgiving, I was still hungover from all the cheap wine, and wanted a sandwich. The Dominican deli was closed. I didn’t know how good the other ones were at making sandwiches…so, I walked the 7 blocks past the 6 other delis to my young Middle Eastern friends at my old deli. I’m getting my sandwich, there is an older guy in there, that might be drunk or strung out on something because he’s stumbling and slurring his words. He’s trying to buy lotto tickets with no money and irritating the people that work there. The guy finally leaves and I go up to pay and the guy behind the counter looks at me and goes, “Black people are such animals!”  This pretty much summed up how I felt…

...Did he just say what I think he just said?

I may have sputtered something like, “uh, I don’t know, about that.” But the guy just kept saying this and I tried not to listen. I paid for my sandwich, said “thank you” (Ugh, I’m so polite!), and got the fuck out of there. It was really awkward, but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t find it the tiniest bit amusing. I mean, it’s just such a crazy thing to say! And then to say it to one of your customers! Like did he expect me to jump right on the racist expressway and agree with him? I want to say, that he felt comfortable enough to say it to me because I’m white. Which is disturbing. But, as I found out later, that is not the case at all!

I ended up staying away from racist deli until January. I had just gotten back from my “vacation” and didn’t have any food in the house and was hungry. So, I walked past all the open delis to get my racist sandwich. I’m not proud of it. So, I’m waiting next to this other kid who is getting a sandwich. The same “black people are animals” guy is there, making this kid’s sandwich talking about how black people are always killing each other and wasting their lives. The kid he was talking to–definitely not white. This kid just kept saying, “well, some people have it rough”. It was very, very awkward.

What’s the point of this, you ask? I WENT BACK AGAIN! I went back there just a couple of days ago! I walked past 6 delis! To go the racist one! I mean, there is the chance that those other deli’s could be racist also. And to be fair, the Dominican one was closed. This time there was no racial talk though. At least not in English.

I mean, when it happened, a very large part of me wanted to say, “hey that’s really inappropriate to be saying”, but the other part of me was like, “don’t fucking say anything, just take your sandwich and leave”. It’s a really weird situation to be in. I don’t want them to think that I’m cool with them being racist, but I also don’t want to get into an argument at a deli.

If you think about it, tons of places that we spend money at have questionable if not definitely terrible causes that they support or unethical business practices. Domino’s Pizza Founder has donated money to Operation Rescue a Pro-Life Anti-Choice group and they make shitty pizza. Target donated money to support an anti-LGBT politician in Minnesota. Wal-Mart pays women less than it pays men. They also have crazy sweatshops all over the place. Forever21 is owned by Evangelical Christians. Urban Outfitters purchases it’s models from Eastern European sex traffickers make people look like jackasses. A person just can’t win! Everything is awful, I’m awful.  I GET IT.

That sandwich was bangin’ though. I’m not going to lie.


This is what you missed.

So I promised a post and I’m trying to make sure I put something out so I don’t look like a huge liar or flake.

So I wanted to give all of you readers a little background on what’s been happening with me in the past year. Well…I QUIT MY JOB! Remember, that horrible job I was always talking about? Just go peruse posts in the category “work” if you are unfamiliar, so you can see why that statement deserved all caps and an exclamation point. No longer do I have to clean up human urine! Or be terrorized by customers!

So what am I doing if I was able to escape from a personal hell? Well, I am back in school. I had been thinking about going back for a graduate degree in something for a while, but I was trying to figure out what program/discipline would suit me. They don’t offer a Master’s in hatin’ and bein’ awesome, so I settled for a Master’s program in Library and Information Science. I like libraries, I like information…so the two together can’t be so bad, right?  The motivation for me to send in my application was (along with me needing to get out of the worst job ever) was the movie Party Girl with Parker Posey…

Watch this movie.

Basically, I love Parker Posey, and think she is just about the coolest actress alive. The movie is about a young NYC party girl woman, named Mary, who parties all the time and has run out of money. She goes to her godmother who is the stereotypical librarian to get money and ends up having to work for her rent by being a clerk in the library. Wackiness ensues. I don’t want to give it away, so definitely watch it. It’s even on Netflix Instant!

I was at a crossroads at the time of watching this movie. I knew that I couldn’t work at my job for much longer with out it causing me some serious mental damage…or me causing serious damage to the next fool to ask me for a discount on a $2 shirt. So after watching the movie, I was like, “If she can do it, so can I!” and I mailed my application. I got financial aid and I quit my job in September. It’s probably the best recent decision I have made. It wouldn’t be too hard to win that honor…I make a lot of bad decisions.

Now I am working part-part-time in an office on campus (easiest thing ever!) and intern one day a week in the records and archives department of organization. Classes are kind of boring and there are a lot of group projects–which I hate. I don’t like having to depend on other people for a grade. If someone sucks, they will totally bring your grade down and the only way to avoid that is to do all the work and let the others skate by on the fact that you are much, much better than they are. I’ve met some cool people and I’ve also encountered some super annoying people as well. There is no escape!

I guess I wanted to go back to school so I could try and figure things out, without the burden of being so completely miserable that I can’t think straight. Living off of financial aid is kind of nice…of course it won’t be so nice with the fed’s come knocking at my door for their money back!

Is being a “librarian” my dream? Um…no. Is it something I could do? Sure. Would I rather be paid to showcase my negativity talents? Of course! My secret nerd dream is that I have a career like Parker Posey. That is my dream. Have you seen Spring Breakdown? It’s amazing. It’s also on Netflix Instant. Watch it tonight.

But until then, I guess I can see myself doing this…

One of the best scenes in the movie.

…especially since I already make that face constantly at people.

**picture comes from Rob’s Movie Vault…check it out!

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