Retail Idiot

by M. Lizabeth Currain

So, yesterday after my class got out, I decided it was time that I finally bite the bullet and buy some new bras. Ugh, bra shopping is the worst. It’s like no bra is the same and you have to try on fifty thousand, to find one that fits. Bra shopping is a less than pleasant experience, to say the least. I decided not to go to Victoria’s Secret this time because it’s always so crowded and their bras fit weird. For a store that a majority of American women shop at, their bras are not really designed for the average American body type. Which is unfortunate, because their bras are really cute.

These guys deserve cute bras too!

Anyways, I decided to drag my ass to Lane Bryant–even though the store depresses me. It reminds me of when I was much, much fatter and thought that the stuff they sold was cute. I think the problem with “plus size” clothing is that there only seems to be two types of it available. Middle-aged work wear and club wear.  At least that’s how it all looks to me. It’s not really my style. Now I’m less fat, and capitalizing on all the over-sized shirts that are being sold in “regular” stores. I’m getting off-topic. I went to Lane Bryant, ’cause at least their bras come in more colors than beige, black, and white gray (which are the colors I ended up buying. The other colors and prints they had were kind of ugly).

Fifity hours later, I emerged triumphant from the fitting room and headed towards the cashier. I was waiting in line for what felt like FOREVER, because for some reason people can’t ever make decisions about what they are buying before they get to the register. Eventually, I got to pay and then I was outta there. Since Macy’s was near by, I decided to stop in, because I like torturing myself. There’s never really anything good in there and it’s always a mess. I basically walked in one door and out one the other side. Funny thing was, I set the off the sensors at Macy’s on my way in and on my way out. I always stop when I set it off,

Get it?! haha!

even though I know I didn’t steal anything. The security guard didn’t even want to stop me, he just sort of looked at me and was all, “Do you have anything from Macy’s in your bag?” and I said “No” and that was that. So for all you shoplifters out there–it seems as though stealing from Macy’s would be pretty easy.

When I got outside, I looked in my bag and, I saw a security tag on not one of my items…but ALL THREE. Seriously? I would have been less irritated if it had only been one, but all of them? Give me a break. I end up going back to Lane Bryant, where, I guess, their security sensors at the door don’t work very well because they didn’t go off when I had walked out the first time or when I walked back in. I got the tags taken off and that was that.

Now, I try to be understanding to people who work in retail, because hey, I’ve been there. I worked one of the shittiest retail jobs for 2 and a half years, and probably would still be working there if I hadn’t quit to live off of student loans while in grad school. I worked other retail jobs briefly, I get it, it sucks, a lot. You don’t want to be there, the majority of the people you interact with are annoying, the pay isn’t that good, the hours are bad, I understand. That’s why I always try to be nice when I buy something–I try to make up for shitty customers that they might have had.

WHAT MY POINT IS, is that, if you are going to be working in retail for the rest of your life, which clearly you are, you might as well try to be good at it. I mean, you work in a clothing store where 100% of the items have security tags on them! It should be a natural reaction to look for them and take them off! Again, mistakes happen, I get it. I really do. But a mistake would have been one security tag. Not all three. I don’t see that girl going anywhere outside of retail, which is why she might want to start getting good at working behind a cash register. When I worked in the hellhole that is retail, I could at least do my job! In fact, I was way better at my job than I should have been for how much I was getting paid. Get with the fucking program already. It’s retail, it’s not rocket science. I can’t be the only person that feels this way. I mean, you might as well be good at your job while you’re working there right? Or am I completely alone on this?

Either way, my boobs look fantastic.