Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Month: March, 2011

I like torturing myself.

I’m back my lovelies! Sorry for leaving you all in a lurch with nothing to talk about the past couple of Monday mornings. But with all the dates with awesome guys I’ve been going on, it’s been hard to find the time to blog. My social calender has really filled up. I’ve been going to concerts in basements, helping brew beer, biking all over Brooklyn, cooking really complicated meals and discussing non-fiction works with some of the most interesting people the past few weeks! I had no idea I would get so caught up in the magic of online dating that I wouldn’t have time for much else. There’s just so many different guys, who are all into different things, with absolutely nothing in common with each other–it’s really amazing.

I’m lying. I was out of town the weekend before last and then last weekend, I just didn’t feel like hashing out the gory details of the week, mainly because there were none. That being said, I know that the last time I wrote, I mentioned I was going to delete my OkCupid account in a week. I haven’t deleted it yet. Reason being, I am glutton for punishment. I love seeing what kind of human messes are going to message me and also what kind of waste the 25 miles surrounding my zip code has to offer me. And let me tell you, things ain’t looking good. For anyone.

First of all, I seriously think that OkCupid is trying to match me with like the most ugly, inane people. I don’t get it. They have this thing called “Quiver”, where they pick three matches for you, that they think you will like. It’s an apt term, considering the majority of the time, I just want to shoot arrows at their god awful profiles. I have not once, liked any of the matches they have chosen for me. My reject list is getting super long. I can’t help it. I have high standards that are unwavering at this point. With good reason–I am amazing.

All of the profiles for idiots men, ages 25-34 all contain pretty much the same information. I have come across the sentence “I am a Mad Men” in reference to working in advertising, too many times to count. WHO SAYS THAT? When would a person ever think that that is an acceptable thing to say? It’s not. It sounds idiotic. Also, pretty much every guy in New York is a photographer, artist, writer, musician, butcher, baker, candlestick maker. It’s getting pretty old. I mean, I have nothing against those things. I’m all for the arts. I would love if someone paid me money to write shitty things about people. However, it just comes across like it’s something they knew they should put in a profile to attract dumbshit hipsters girls. And I am no dumbshit.

And the messages. Rarely do I send anyone a message on OkCupid. I’m usually to busy trying to unroll my eyes from the back of my head to message someone. I also rarely respond. Sometimes there is just nothing to respond to, because the message will just be one word, “howdy.” How am I supposed to respond to that? Why would I want to respond to that? If you can’t even compose a sentence introducing yourself, it doesn’t make for a promising case. I also get easily irritated when they use “ur”. Mainly because they are using it wrong. Example taken from an actual message: ur movie preferences had me me like “wha wha whaaaat?”. Translated from “internet/text speak” that would be, “you are movie preferences”, which doesn’t make any sense and makes you seem lazy. It’s “your”, how do people not know this? Also when things are misspelled. LIKE MY NAME. I get it. I spell my name a little differently than most people are used to. I’ve gotten used to it being mispronounced and misspelled. However, I have one major pet peeve when it comes to misspelling my name. It’s when people spell it incorrectly when the spelling is RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. Here is a message from an OkC Jackal that I decided to respond to, because a) he was ugly and I could give a shit, b) he was obviously an idiot, and c) I think he was from like Staten Island or something.

OkC Jackal: yaaaayy. the meghan show. need a netflix buddy? ;-I

Me: It’s funny that in your profile, under the things that you are good at portion, it says, “paying close attention.” Considering, that my name is clearly spelled out in my screen name, and you can’t even get that right, you might need to make some revisions to that section.

OkC Jackal: that’s the best you can come up with? my spelling?….wow, no wonder you’re alone.

Me: Yes. The spelling of my name. Sorry if I happen to like it spelled correctly. And if my option is to be alone or be with idiots, I’ll take being alone.

It reads like Shakespeare doesn’t it? Then I blocked him. And yes, I am alone because I demand that my name be spelled correctly. I am forever doomed to a life of solitude for requesting such a horrific thing. I know my standards are high, but damn OkCupid, my bar would only have to set a couple of inches off of the ground!

Sometimes I contemplate making a fake profile with a whole bunch of cliched hipster information and a Photoshopped picture and see what kind of dudes hit me up. Right now I seem to be attracting some weird basement dwellers with Asperger’s…and not the good kind that look like Hugh Dancy.

With all that being said…I do have an OkCupid date lined up for Tuesday. His profile didn’t make me what to vomit and he could at least string together a coherent sentence. So, with any luck, I won’t be murdered and I will be able to share all the horrific details with you next Sunday! Or maybe earlier if it is especially painful. Wish me luck! Or don’t, I’m not sure it really matters.

Online Dating

Ugh. I joined OKCupid again. I was on there a couple of summers ago and then deleted my page after better judgment grabbed hold. And here I am again. I’m giving it about a week before the novelty wears off and I delete my page again. I am very fickle and honestly don’t have the drive to actively message and engage people on an online dating site.

So why am I doing this? I was bored? That seems about the only logical explanation that I can come up with at this juncture. I’m telling myself that this is an experiment that I’m doing–to see how many people I would clearly not be interested in, will contact me. So far, that’s about the only group that’s been messaging me.

Maybe it’s because I don’t come off overly friendly in my profile? Or particularly interested? Here’s a rundown of how I am presenting myself to the online dating public through OKCupid’s format:

My self-summary: 

I watch a lot of netflix.
I like hating on things.
I like making myself laugh.
I like myself.
What I’m doing with my life: 

Library school.
Working my way through various television series on netflix.
Being creative and inventive.
I’m really good at: 

Making fun of people’s outfits.
Following recipes.
Running on the treadmill.
Reading.
Remembering people.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: 

Books:
The Chris Farley Show, Confederacy of Dunces, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, The Outsiders…the list goes on. 

Movies:
Where to even start?! If it has Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Lundgren, Van Damme, or Seagal…I will watch it and most definitely love it. And of course I like indie movies…i live in Brooklyn after all.

Television:
30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, Community, The X-Files, King of the Hill (That’s my purse, I don’t know you!), Futurama, and any show involving fat people trying to lose weight and crying about it.

Music:
Whatever sounds good. Modern country does not sound good to me and neither does Christian music. I like 90s pop music a lot because it reminds me of being a nerdy middle schooler.

Food:
Goat cheese, english muffins, blueberries

The six things I could never do without: 

Netflix
Books
Water
Shoes
Things to laugh at
Texting
I spend a lot of time thinking about: 

Why people dress like such jackasses.
The different novels, screenplays, and tv show ideas I have.
On a typical Friday night I am: 

Usually watching netflix. Part of me wants to change that. The other part of me just wants to find someone willing to do that with me.
I’m afraid to message people on here, because what if they don’t message me back and we run into each other waiting for the subway? It’ll be awkward.
My glasses prescription is -10.5.

You should message me if:

you actually read all of this.
you are over 5’7″.
your pants aren’t so tight that I can see a vagina forming.
you don’t wear your pants belted half-way down your ass.
you like the movie “Last Action Hero”.

————–

I know I’m not really trying that hard. But, if I was, that wouldn’t really be genuine. Also, who wants to come off excited about online dating? Not me. I went on one date with a guy the last time that I was on there and trust me, it was nothing to get excited about.We got drinks and then made out (ha!) in his apartment. He had a twin bed. Dude was 28. Time to upgrade. Also his room contained his “ex girlfriends” clothes. Right.

Also, online dating makes it really easy to be overly picky and shallow. It’s very easy to dismiss people after you’ve read their profile. The majority of them are overly pretentious! Like seriously, that’s great that you love Ingmar Bergman, craft beer, and Baudelaire, but is there anything that you like, that isn’t liked because it will “impress” people? And a lot of the guys are not that cute. I mean, when you meet someone in person and go on some dates with them, you can grow attracted or disgusted with them over time based on good or weird personality traits and ticks. This just gives me an opportunity to be overly shallow and judge a book by their cover and inside jacket.

I wasn’t cut out for this. I think it requires an effort I don’t think dating necessarily deserves. It is amusing to me though. I like seeing what kind of weirdos I attract and how it’s inevitable that people will message you without appearing to have read anything in your profile or even looked at your “match” quotient. I can’t wait until next Friday when I can delete my online dating presence.

Also, more guys should be messaging me because I am hot and awesome.

Case of the Mondays

Sorry I didn’t post yesterday. I know all of you were super disappointed that there wasn’t anything for you to read before you went to bed last night or when you woke up this morning. I was kind of sidetracked by the 83rd Academy Awards. And by sidetracked, I mean, I couldn’t blog and watch a bootleg stream of the ceremony on my computer at the same time. Seriously guys, I don’t have even the most basic tv channels. It hurts, because I love television. Luckily, most of the stuff I watch is put online the next day, but then they pull crap like the Oscar’s and what’s a girl to do? I’ll tell you what a girl can do! She can go to some place like Ustream or Justin.tv and find the broadcast that is going to be least likely to be shut down for copyright violations! After the first two got shut down, I found one being streamed from a Spanish station broadcast. So it was in English, but there were a group of Spanish commentators during the commercials, talking about, who knows what, because I don’t really understand Spanish. During the ceremony, they were translating everything into Spanish over the English broadcast. It was interesting, unlike the actual awards ceremony. I love me some James Franco, but even he couldn’t save that snooze fest. They are SO LONG! They need to do a condensed version where they just hand out the awards without all the pomp and circumstance and lame Oscar tidbits that no one really gives two shits about. JUST GIVE OUT THE  DAMN AWARDS! Some of us have to get up early on Monday morning!

Monday is one of my early days and my longest. 7am does not agree with me. I intern in an archive from 9-5 and then I have class from 6:30-9pm. So that means rush hour in the morning. And not only is it people going to work, it’s kids going to school. Teens are the worst! They walk so slow and in huge groups. It’s obnoxious. I have ZERO patience anyways, but in the morning we are talking negative numbers. And it was drizzling and windy. Why must people who use GIANT umbrellas carry them like they are about to pass a baton in a relay when they are not in use? I mean, there are people walking both in front and behind you. And you are swinging your arms as you walk. It’s dangerous! The lack of self awareness that the majority of people have is baffling.

Then when I was on the train this evening going to class, this group of foreign ‘tween girls got on the train. There must have been at least 10 of them. It would not have been so bad, had they not DELAYED the train by holding the doors several times and then hitting pretty much every person on the train with their bags. Then with the shouting to each other! You’re in a subway car! The distance between you and your friend, does not warrant shouting. One sat down next to me and her friend sat on top of her lap. ::barf:: Then their other friend was taking pictures of them, so the girl sitting on the lap kept leaning backwards and hitting me with hair. She turned around to look at me and I gave her a look. For those of you who don’t know me, it’s certainly not a look that you want me to be giving you. She turned right around and scooted to the other side of her friends lap. I feel like shouting “I HAVE THE POWER!”

Actually, I just needed an excuse to post a picture of Dolph Lundgren

Then class. Ugh. This particular class is pretty painful. It’s not even the class, it’s the people in the class. Especially this one girl. She has severe case of know-it-all-itis. The only problem is, is that I don’t want to hear anything she knows! And she talks in a toddler voice. She’s also a brown-noser. Every time she talks, I just want to throw something at her! Our professor mentioned a Coca-Cola and she proceeded to give us the history on it, because she went to college in Atlanta. I just can’t. It’s too much. There’s also a boy who is constantly checking out his reflection and fixing his hair in the window. EVERY CLASS. And he gets this look on his face, like he is so pleased with himself. He’s another one I want to throw something at!

Then on the train home, a hipster girl was wearing black velvet leggings! And an 80’s asymmetrical green suede cropped jacket with gold buttons. And a shirt with flowers and glitter! And she had a gold grille on her top teeth. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. We’ve got some serious jack asses roaming the streets people.

Monday’s are the worst.

Yeah, I’m judgey. That’s what makes me so much better than everyone else!

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