Online Dating

by M. Lizabeth Currain

Ugh. I joined OKCupid again. I was on there a couple of summers ago and then deleted my page after better judgment grabbed hold. And here I am again. I’m giving it about a week before the novelty wears off and I delete my page again. I am very fickle and honestly don’t have the drive to actively message and engage people on an online dating site.

So why am I doing this? I was bored? That seems about the only logical explanation that I can come up with at this juncture. I’m telling myself that this is an experiment that I’m doing–to see how many people I would clearly not be interested in, will contact me. So far, that’s about the only group that’s been messaging me.

Maybe it’s because I don’t come off overly friendly in my profile? Or particularly interested? Here’s a rundown of how I am presenting myself to the online dating public through OKCupid’s format:

My self-summary: 

I watch a lot of netflix.
I like hating on things.
I like making myself laugh.
I like myself.
What I’m doing with my life: 

Library school.
Working my way through various television series on netflix.
Being creative and inventive.
I’m really good at: 

Making fun of people’s outfits.
Following recipes.
Running on the treadmill.
Reading.
Remembering people.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: 

Books:
The Chris Farley Show, Confederacy of Dunces, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, The Outsiders…the list goes on. 

Movies:
Where to even start?! If it has Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Lundgren, Van Damme, or Seagal…I will watch it and most definitely love it. And of course I like indie movies…i live in Brooklyn after all.

Television:
30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, Community, The X-Files, King of the Hill (That’s my purse, I don’t know you!), Futurama, and any show involving fat people trying to lose weight and crying about it.

Music:
Whatever sounds good. Modern country does not sound good to me and neither does Christian music. I like 90s pop music a lot because it reminds me of being a nerdy middle schooler.

Food:
Goat cheese, english muffins, blueberries

The six things I could never do without: 

Netflix
Books
Water
Shoes
Things to laugh at
Texting
I spend a lot of time thinking about: 

Why people dress like such jackasses.
The different novels, screenplays, and tv show ideas I have.
On a typical Friday night I am: 

Usually watching netflix. Part of me wants to change that. The other part of me just wants to find someone willing to do that with me.
I’m afraid to message people on here, because what if they don’t message me back and we run into each other waiting for the subway? It’ll be awkward.
My glasses prescription is -10.5.

You should message me if:

you actually read all of this.
you are over 5’7″.
your pants aren’t so tight that I can see a vagina forming.
you don’t wear your pants belted half-way down your ass.
you like the movie “Last Action Hero”.

————–

I know I’m not really trying that hard. But, if I was, that wouldn’t really be genuine. Also, who wants to come off excited about online dating? Not me. I went on one date with a guy the last time that I was on there and trust me, it was nothing to get excited about.We got drinks and then made out (ha!) in his apartment. He had a twin bed. Dude was 28. Time to upgrade. Also his room contained his “ex girlfriends” clothes. Right.

Also, online dating makes it really easy to be overly picky and shallow. It’s very easy to dismiss people after you’ve read their profile. The majority of them are overly pretentious! Like seriously, that’s great that you love Ingmar Bergman, craft beer, and Baudelaire, but is there anything that you like, that isn’t liked because it will “impress” people? And a lot of the guys are not that cute. I mean, when you meet someone in person and go on some dates with them, you can grow attracted or disgusted with them over time based on good or weird personality traits and ticks. This just gives me an opportunity to be overly shallow and judge a book by their cover and inside jacket.

I wasn’t cut out for this. I think it requires an effort I don’t think dating necessarily deserves. It is amusing to me though. I like seeing what kind of weirdos I attract and how it’s inevitable that people will message you without appearing to have read anything in your profile or even looked at your “match” quotient. I can’t wait until next Friday when I can delete my online dating presence.

Also, more guys should be messaging me because I am hot and awesome.