98 degrees and rising

by M. Lizabeth Currain

Remember that album? I do! I owned it on compact disc. Remember those things? I even went to see them in concert with my best friend when they came to Anchorage. We weren’t really fans, it was just that they were there and it was a thing to do. We ended up following them to their hotel and waiting it out to get autographs. The things you will do when you are teenager.

I may or may not have had too many piña coladas…so bear with me. I am just trying to get into the habit of writing every day. But the piña coladas were necessary! It was 102 degrees outside! What else was I supposed to drink? Water? That’s for babies. Honestly, I’m this close (just imagine two things really close together) to filling my bathtub with cold water and just sitting in it. I think my air conditioner is blowing out warm air just to fuck with me.You know it’s bad when you are just sitting and you are sweating. No physical exertion necessary. I saw a guy running outside early this afternoon. Are you kidding me?! He could have died it’s so hot out. Totally not worth it. I barely made it to the grocery store to buy some seltzer!

Well, I went out to dinner with a couple of good friends of mine and that is where I got my hands on some frosty alcoholic beverages. Afterward, as a one friend and I were walking to the train, we crossed paths with a group of young men. They made kissing noises at us and said gross things. As young men in New York are wont to do. I was having none of this! So I made it a point of groaning my loudest, “UGH” and shouting “SO GROSS”. And guess what?! They took offense to that! And then called us lesbians!

Yes. Because I am with a female friend and want nothing to do with your pathetic, cat-calling ass, I am a lesbian. Logic is something these young men are not familiar with. Of course every woman not interested in a man saying gross things at them is a lesbian. Makes perfect sense. The fact that I’m not interested, couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you are gross and saying stupid things to women on the sidewalk, could it? Oh heavens no! It’s because I’m a lesbian. That’s right. Thanks for clearing that up for me, young idiot men of New York. I appreciate it.

That alcohol is wearing off. Too bad they don’t give you “To-Go Cups”!