The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Piña coladas will be the death of me.

So it’s my bff’s last night in NYC. You may be wondering why I am blogging at this crucial moment: We’ve had too many piña coladas and we decided to come back to my apartment so she can drunk pack. We also want to watch The Outsiders, another crucial movie of our youth.

We actually got an early start to our day. Well, relatively early. We took the NYC Water Taxi from the Ikea in Brooklyn to Pier 11 in Manhattan. It’s a fun and cheap way to see the Statue of Liberty. And maybe get meatballs if you have the time to pop into Ikea. The ferry costs $5 if you don’t buy anything at Ikea (free during the weekend) but…we got to ride the ferry for free! Because we are so beautiful and charming! The captain (maybe? He seemed like he was in charge of things) chatted us up and told us we don’t need to wear makeup. That it doesn’t matter. He said, “The next date you go on, don’t wear any makeup. You don’t need it. If the guy has a problem with it, ask for a spatula and smack him in the face with it and leave. Everyone will clap”. First off, I don’t even wear that much makeup. You’ve all seen the pictures from the past few days. That’s the amount of makeup I wear on the regular. I wouldn’t exactly say I cake it on. Second, I’ve slept with guys that have seen me without makeup. I know it’s not a big deal. They don’t care. But let me say this: I’m not wearing it for them. I’m wearing it for myself. I like the way I look with it and it makes me feel polished. You know that feminism card I had to turn in on Monday? Well, guess the f what? I just got it back!

View of downtown from the Water Taxi.

After the water taxi ride, we got a hot dog from a cart. Cheap lunch people! Also, just a tip, all the sodium that is in the hot dog will save you from having to use the bathroom for at least five hours. We ended up walking around for quite a while. I took her to Canal Street–not one of my favorite places, but you know, you do these things for friends because you love them and know that they will enjoy it…even if you hate the very idea of being on Canal Street.

We ended up grabbing dinner with a good friend of mine…piña colada! Well, another good friend, but piña colada was there too. While we were nearing the end of our meal, there was a couple sitting diagonal from us. The man half of the couple was chowing down on some ribs and fries…all while his button down shirt was wide open and his hairless chest was displayed. I guess he thought he was chillin’ in his living room? I mean, who just goes out to dinner at a restaurant and gets comfortable enough to completely unbutton their shirt? He was really going to town on those ribs too. He might as well have been making love to them. Eventually the floor manager of the restaurant came over and told him that he couldn’t have his shirt open. The best part is, he didn’t even button up his shirt. He just closed it enough so that his chest and stomach wasn’t showing. Classy.

This is how I feel about guys who don’t button up their shirts in restaurants:

Oh, subway art! Speaking the words of my heart.

Empire State Building Experience

I know most of you are on the edge of your seats wondering how the NKOTBSB concert was on Sunday. Well, all I have to say about that is: You’re going to have a wait a little bit longer for a post about it. I’m still processing all of my emotions. Seriously. It’ll be worth the wait…especially if you like reading about pathetic, 26 year old women. There will be plenty to read on that front.

So in keeping with the theme of the week, I figured I would fill you all in on how I’m doing as a tour guide.

Another late start to the day! You can’t really blame us…we were pretty tuckered out from our NKOTBSB experience (Trust me, you’ll want to stick around this here blog for that post!). When we finally got going we headed on down to Coney Island. The game plan was to ride some rides, but when we saw the prices, we were both like, “Um, nevermind”. To put things into perspective, it is $6 per person to ride the Wonder Wheel. Now, I don’t know about you…but I’m not so sure that riding a Ferris wheel at this point in my life is worth six bucks. I’ve been on them before. Maybe when I’m rich and rolling in multiples of $6, I will shell out for it.

We quickly ended up changing our game plan to eating Nathan’s Famous hot dogs and bacon cheese fries. You only live once and it is a Coney Island staple, you have to eat there! We walked around on the boardwalk, the beach, and eventually found a photo booth to recreate a scene from our best friend movie. If you don’t know what a “best friend movie” is, it is basically a movie that you watched together a million times, that represents your friendship in some way. Ours is Beaches.

In the movie, the girls meet on the boardwalk in Atlantic City and become fast friends. One scene involves them taking photos in a photo booth…when we saw the booth at Coney Island, we were not passing up the opportunity to recreate these poses!

Shot one!


Shot two!


Shot three!


Shot four!


Here’s how ours turned out:

We are awesome.

This is what happens when you watch a movie at the age of nine…it stays with you. Stays with you long enough to eventually recreate scenes from it. In other words, Coney Island was a complete success.

After that, we hauled our asses to the Empire State Building. This was a first for me. I figured there was no better time to hit up this tourist destination, than when I actually had a tourist with me. We got suckered into springing for the NYSky Ride. It’s a flight simulator that makes it seem like you are “flying” through NYC. If any of you ever visit NYC and you get presented with this option…SKIP IT. It has not been updated since they started doing it. Which was 1995. Seriously. There’s a waiting room video that they show and they mention that the Twin Towers are in the video, because it’s “important to preserve” the memory. I have a different theory. Me thinks they didn’t want to spring for re-shooting the aerial shots of NYC. Also, Kevin Bacon does the narration. I am sure there is more current NYC celebrity that could do this. And it’s looks like it might have been shot on a handicam. Everything in that video is totally 90’s. From the clothing the pedestrians are wearing to the cars you see being driven. Honestly, only spring for this if you want a good laugh and are with a friend that you can make jokes with. I was almost crying I was laughing so hard at how dumb it was.

Then we went up to the Observation Deck on the 86th floor. It was so. crowded. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the view is amazing, but I don’t understand why people need 500 shots of the same section of NYC. Take a few and move on, there are tons of people that are up there and the space is limited. Also, there were tons of dipshits who seemed to be contemplating the meaning of life while they were up there, with long winded conversations about NOTHING, all the while hogging valuable space. MOVE IT ALONG. Yes, everything looks tiny–that doesn’t mean you need to reevaluate your situation in life. Save that for when you are drinking coffee in a diner at 2am, like a normal person.

And another thing. Tourists do not know the meaning of the words “excuse me”. Does the phrase not make it into their luggage when they are traveling? I mean, how hard is it to say, “excuse me”, when trying to get past someone? Instead of shoving past like a jackal. So I guess next time I’m in a crowded place I am just going to do away with “excuse me” and do The New Kids Dance to get people out of my way (skip to about 1:15):

I have no patience for jackalery. There was also this really annoying woman who kept trying to point out the Statue of Liberty. It was dark, you could barely see the glow of Lady Liberty’s flame: Shut the hell up. For like 10 minutes she was trying to point it out. Good lord, if we want to get a good look at it, we’ll look during the f’ing day time! Even her son was annoyed and was like, “I don’t see anything”. I think he would have pushed her off the top if he could have. I know I certainly would have liked to.

Here are some pictures to show you how much fun I am capable of having:



The peak.


Taken with my phone, because my camera sucks and I don’t know how to work the settings.


and finally…

Best Friends 4 Life.


I was also nice enough to take her into one of those tourist gift shops on 34th Street. Even though I was like so totally over seeing “I Love NY” merchandise and commemorative snow globes.

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