Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Month: August, 2011

Meaghan’s Favorite Things

It’s Saturday night and I’m sitting in my apartment drinkin’ some beer and watchin’ Netflix, waiting for this bitch Irene to touch down in New York. I’ve got cookies, beer, and peanut butter to tide me over until the storm passes. I also got pizza. I am set. What’s that you say? None of that is healthy? Um, duh. I (I hear thunder!!! Sounds like Irene is close) am trapped in my apartment during a storm: all bets are off. This weekend doesn’t count in terms of any sort of dieting. Diet starts Monday!

 

 

As for my plan of texting available gentlemen in evacuation zones…well, that plan fell to shit. Apparently Bed-Stuy in a Hurricane doesn’t sound appealing to people. Well, their loss. We could have gotten drunk and eaten cookies while watching Netflix. Or we could’ve skipped all that and gone straight for the “adult entertainment”, if you get what I’m saying. Ha! What is wrong with these guys?

Anyways, I should probably get to the meat of this post (since there’s not meat in my apartment!) and introduce a new weekly feature. I figure that’s what the weekend is for. So far we’ve got the “This Week in Searches” on Fridays and “Vintage Crush” on Sundays. This brings us to Saturdays; favorite things! I am on my way to being as influential as Oprah…well, probably Tyra, but that’s neither here nor there. Now, some of these favorite things are probably going to be unusual, so that’s something to look forward to or not…depends on how you look at things.

On to the first of many of my favorite things: Bobby Hill squealing like a girl!

Bobby Hill is basically my spirit animal. He’s a little off, loves comedy, thinks he’s awesome, and wants to be special. Those are all things that I can relate to! I will admit that I’ve watched the above clip close to 50 times. I want to be as excited about something as Bobby is about growing roses.

He’s just so adorable. Also, someone needs to put me in touch with Mike Judge because I have a really amazing idea for a spin-off of King of the Hill revolving around Bobby. Basically, Bobby would be in his twenties, in either Chicago or NY trying to become successful doing improv comedy. UGH! It’s SO PERFECT.

Also, I’m so in love with the image of Bobby squealing, I’m thinking of getting it as a tattoo. Although, I’m pretty much a chicken and very fickle so I can’t imagine having anything permanent on my body…but if I did…it would definitely be this:

 

Obviously, I would be the coolest person ever if I got this as a tattoo.

 

See you all tomorrow! If I’m still alive and have power.

This Week in Searches

Well, it’s Friday again! Time to bring to you up to speed on what has been bringing people to my corner of the internet. But since I’m trying to get people to my blog, I might as well write a little bit about Irene.

 

Dun, dun, dunnnnnn

 

Currently, I’m busy ignoring all of my Mom’s texts about preparing for Hurricane Irene and it’s impending slaughter of New York City. I’m not in an evacuation zone or any zone at all according to this handy map! I have three big bottles of water and maybe tomorrow before the rain starts pouring down I will buy some beer and hunker down with a good book. I’ve tried sending text messages to boys I like who happen to be in evacuations zones in the hopes of luring them into my apartment for adult fun. I’m just trying to do my part as a concerned citizen! So far my texts are not working. Obviously I am doing something wrong. Anyone out there have any pointers? If all goes according to plan (it’s not a very good plan) I will have stories to relay after the weekend when all this nonsense has died down!

 

Or I may just have lots of leftover Hurricane Chow.

 

Now! On to the good stuff:

2011-08-19 to Today

Search Views
val kilmer 6
mandy sellars gay 5
i hate whistling 4
woman with the giant legs 4
aj mclean 4
a.j. mclean 3
anchorage strip clubs 2
half ton teen 2
schmitts gay beer 2
just for laughs negative 2
the woman with giant legs 2
one legged girl 2
worst resume ever 2
mans mermaid 2
half tonne dad 2
schmitts gay 2
“mandy sellers” 2
hilarious pet peeves 2
tiffany vase 2
a.j mclean 1
first time strip club 1
sam elliott road house 1
hard to kill (foto 1
jean claude van damme dancing 1
hilarious and negative 1
sam elliott lifeguard 1
blog okcupid date cancelled mandy 1
what i’ve become 1
just for laughs 2000 1
jon kortajarena boyfriend 1
empire state building my experience 1
okcupid boston date 1
alexander james mclean 1
aj mclean glass 1
half ton man tlc 1
mandy sellars after amputation tlc 1
cray cray 1
tlc girl with giant legs 1
pregnant mermaid 1
is mandy sellers gay 1
finding humour in the everydya 1
madonna cigarrete 1
find humor in school work 1
sam elliott roadhouse 1
fake mermaid tails 1
mermaid oprah 1
chris farley schmitts 1
hilarous pet peeves 1
mandy sellars amputation 2010 1
schmitts gay snl 1

 

Mandy Sellers is the clear winner this week in bringing people over to Hilarious and Negative. What a gal! Fairly recently, Mandy had one of her legs amputated as it was causing her major health issues. There’s a new documentary about it called, Losing One of my Giant Legs. Whoever came up with that title really went for it. Here’s the trailer for the special…I’m sure it be landing on TLC on a Sunday Night very, very soon.

 

Let us all keep a good thought for this delightful lady who could also be Stephen Merchant’s double.

Also, two people were searching for Alaska strip clubs. I hope that my blog post about the Great Alaska Bush Company didn’t dissuade them from going. I mean,  I’m not really in any position to be saying which strip clubs are worth patronizing.  Although, I will say that my description of the place was accurate and if they did end up going, they probably didn’t end up pleasantly surprised.

My two favorite searches are “blog okcupid date cancelled mandy” and “okcupid boston date”. The two people that searched for these respective terms obviously went on OkCupid dates and were curious to see whether or not the other person had blogged about them. This is kind of sad…never Google to see if your date has blogged about you. You might not like what they have to say. They either knew the date went south and wanted to see what the other person had to say or they thought the date went really well and wanted to see themselves getting talked up on the internet. That rarely happens! No one ever blogs about a date going really well! What fun is that to read about? Obviously people do not know how the internet works. The internet is full of shit-talkers. We talk shit to feel better about ourselves. This is how the world works!

And to the person searching for “jon kortajarena boyfriend” — do you know something I don’t know? Also, HOW DARE YOU!? That is my future husband you are talking about.

 

Um. I sort of had to. Too bad he doesn’t need a place to weather the storm…I’ve got room…in my vagina!

 

All you people in Hurricane Irene’s path, stay safe this weekend!

Oh, dear me!

I shouldn’t go to happy hour. Three margaritas and I am done for!

Today was a funny day…especially with this OkCupid message I received:

“All my life I’ve been looking
To meet someone like you
Beautiful, smart and unique
I know this much is true
You’re a perfect ten
Someone l’d like to know
So please send me a reply
And on a fun date we’ll go
Maybe we’ll find in each other
What we both desire
But we won’t know til we take the first step
???”

The best part is…he apparently has a joint profile with his ventriloquist dummy! I wish I were kidding! I wish I could post a picture of him and his dummy “Philo”, but I can’t, because that would be mean. However, this is sort of what his dummy looks like:

 

A what now?!

 

In his profile, his dummy makes a “no fat chicks” joke! We are only a 18% match and a 34% friend match! This does not bode well for our future. Also, the profile is a shared profile for this kid and his dummy. Which is realllllllllyyyyyy awkward. I mean, what if I were to go on a date with him? Who would be the 3rd wheel? Me or Philo?

In one of his pictures on his profile, the actual human being is wearing a mock-neck:

It’s even this color!

 

and a blazer while posing with his dummy! In another picture, he and his dummy have the same striped polo shirt on. It’s is frightening.

I wish I could post a picture of this kid. Honestly, he looks like someone who would murder me on our first date and turn my corpse into a meat puppet.

Maybe it’s time to distance myself from OkCupid.

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