Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Month: February, 2012

Biggest Loser Recap: Episode 9

I present to you my thoughts on Week Nine of The Biggest Loser in Haiku* form.

 

Temptations at home
Buddy buys a chili dog
Doesn’t eat it, so dumb.

Huey out with friends
They all order beer, what jerks
who’s the hot guy?

Cassandra freaks out
over cookie dough of course
calm down you psycho

Awful sounds abound
Fuck, Chism has a jam band
Lord, make it stop please

Chism goes home, tears
Yikes that outfit is terrible
Skinny jeans, not good.

And there you have it, another week closer to this bullshit finally being over! I’m so sick of these people! It’s been 9 weeks where all they do is work out and eat what people tell them and like 90% of them are still WAY fat. I don’t get it! Also, this weeks weigh in was some sort of dramatic acting showcase! The speech, the tears, the “no send me home instead. Fine! Then get two tickets because I’m going with him!” It’s like these people are vying for an Oscar. Lord. I cannot wait until I never have to see these people again. And if Chism’s band becomes famous, I will DIE.

*I checked and triple checked those damn syllables. So don’t even try and tell me these are not Haikus!; because they are now!

Biggest Loser Recap: Episode 8

 

I present to you my thoughts on Week Eight of The Biggest Loser in Haiku* form.

They lack self control
Daphne hoses pb cups, revenge
A storm is coming

Daphne pulls a switch
Not so anonymus, everyone suspects
Of course Conda is whining

Black team is the worst
Now that Winter Witch  is here
Conda gains a pound, figures

Daphne gets the boot
Conda runs her mouth, never shuts up
Please let her be next

Another week down at the Biggest Loser ranch and Conda is still the most annoying, person on the planet! When will she go home?! I hate her. She is seriously ruining this show. Tune in next week!!

*I checked and triple checked those damn syllables. So don’t even try and tell me these are not Haikus!; because they are now!

Your Friday Night Barf Inducer

Everything I hate, all in one person.

You all are going to hate me after this post. It’s okay, I already hate myself.

When I got home from work today, I decided against doing laundry and instead decided to catch up on the Jersey Shore episode I missed last night. Go ahead and judge me, but I never thought I would love that show as much as I do. I even like Ron and Sam this season…mainly because they are hardly ever on camera. And we can all just go ahead and agree that “The Situation” is the worst person on that show. What’s with the way he walks? It’s like he is walking around while pinching a penny with his ass. I don’t get it. Also Vinny and Pauly D are amazing. The three of us need to hang out. The best part about that is, they will still be able to use the acronym ‘MVP’, because I’m the ‘M’! IT’S MY DESTINY.

But this isn’t why I’m here this evening. When I was on MTV’s website, they have a little section on the side for “Hot Videos”. Since I’m an old lady and don’t know anything about what kids who only have access to MTV are listening to, I took a gander. At the very bottom was a link to the video “Vans On” by some Vanilla Ice looking idiot. My initial feeling on just the title of the song was, “Christ, another fucking song about Vans?” Turns out I was correct! Apparently he likes to, “fuck ’em with his Vans on.” OH GOD THIS SONG AND VIDEO IS SO TERRIBLE.

First of all, I don’t think dropping every dated pop culture reference you can think of into your ‘rap’ (I’m using the term loosely)  makes you a) relevant or b) interesting. Major Payne? David Blaine? Fresh Prince? You were barely functioning during the 90s T. Mills, so shut up about it!

Second of all, what is up with his look? Neck tattoos, check. Gauged ears, check. Awful hair, check. Baggy skinny jeans, check. This kid is basically a walking nightmare. I say if you’re going to have a neck tattoo, you might want to reign in some of the awful parts about your appearance. I don’t want to offend people who have invested in neck tattoos, so just know that I go on a case by case basis for judging people and I’ve judged this putz to beawful.

Remember the whole, lesbians who look like Justin Bieber thing? Well, I have a sneaking suspicion that “Lesbians who look like T. Mills” might be taking off pretty soon.

Of course I couldn’t stop myself from going further down the rabbit hole. His twitter, not surprisingly is terrible. I think he was trying to get a trend going with #replacefilmtitleswithvagina. And of course girls were tweeting their versions at him. Ladies! Stop! He is not worth tweeting at! Have you heard his music? Have you seen his grammar? Stop wasting your precious time and go study something! Oddly enough, the picture he uses as a background on his twitter page isn’t unlike what my head did when I saw this next video.

No, you heard correctly. He did say, “You so scandalous but damn that pussy glamorous.”

I am getting so much use out of this gif.

The kid is 22! How much could he possibly know about vaginas? And how does a vagina become ‘glamorous’? How is this achieved? Does it get a blowout? Does it wear Gucci shades and carry an Hermes bag? Is the vajazzling done exclusively at Bvlgari? Does it only go to the most exclusive parties? I DON’T UNDERSTAND PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.

He must be stopped. We can’t allow him to become some anti-Bieber convincing young girls to glamorize their vaginas. Not on my watch.

I apologize for ruining your Friday night.

image via

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