Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Fashion Week

In dishonor of New York Fashion Week (Feb 9th-16th) I am going to be sharing some fashion related thoughts with all of you throughout the week. As a note, I have a degree in Fashion Design and spent some time working for various fashion companies. It was the worst. I continue to have opinions about fashion, the main one being: Seriously, what the fuck are you wearing? So for the next week don your best headband and enjoy the ride.

When I see girls in ridiculously high heels in inappropriate situations I often find myself willing their ankles to snap. I know it’s not very nice of me, but it’s also not very nice what they are doing to their feet, ankles, knees, and back.

Why for the love of all that is good in the world, would you ever need to be wearing 5-inch heels to be walking around New York City or ANY PLACE for the matter? There is no good reason, because it’s not necessary. You look like you’re trying too hard. Like way too hard. No one likes that.

According to a study by researchers at a Griffith University in Australia conducted on women who have been wearing heels for at least 40 hours a week for over a period of two years,

” the scientists found that heel wearers moved with shorter, more forceful strides than the control group, their feet perpetually in a flexed, toes-pointed position. This movement pattern continued even when the women kicked off their heels and walked barefoot. As a result, the fibers in their calf muscles had shortened and they put much greater mechanical strain on their calf muscles”

All of this leads to straight to a Liberty motor scooter! Your ankles will be broken, your toes will be hammered, and no man will ever love you because your feet look like a combination of Frodo Baggins and the Elephant Man.

Now, I’m not saying, “don’t ever wear high heels.”  I own a few good pairs myself and put them on occasionally when I like to pretend that I’m glamorous. But as with anything, do it in moderation. No one looks good hobbling down the street at 2 am because their heels are too high. It ain’t cute. Standing up straight and being able to outrun your attackers, is.

Another Installment

Sometimes when I’m feeling a little down or just bored, I look at male catalog models and make up chick-literature like stories about them. It’s a fun way to pass the time. And it never gets old. Seriously, read them more than once, they get more ridiculous with each reading.

Some back story: This is Jason (editor’s note: at least that’s what I’ve been calling him) and he comes from the Eddie Bauer catalog. Jason likes hiking and being out in nature. He teaches horticulture classes at one of the universities where he lives. He loves playing Words with Friends, he can’t get enough of it. He especially loves trying to beat his girlfriend at it…but he never does. Sometimes he cheats and she knows, but she lets him get away with it, because he’s so handsome and always makes her blueberry pancakes on the Saturday mornings when they’re together. They’ve been going out for a little while and he’s been looking for the right time to tell her something…and what better time than when you’re on a hike?

“Jason, just because I said I liked hiking doesn’t mean that I like hiking.” M. sighed heavily as she took off her backpack.

Jason looked at her with a small smile on his face, “So what does it mean, M?”

“It means that I like the idea of hiking. There’s a serious difference.” M sat on nearby rock and took a sip of her water.

“I just thought it would be a nice way for us to spend the day together.”

“Ugh, you are making it impossible for me to be hating this right now. It’s just that, you know how I feel about going to the bathroom outdoors.”

Jason laughed, “I know, I know! It’s actually kind of endearing, you not wanting to pee in the wilderness.”

“Oh shut up! It’s easy for you! I have to make sure I don’t pee on myself! That’s not cool at all!” M tossed her water bottle at him and he laughed as he caught it.

“You’re so weird.”

“I know.” She looked at him smiling.

“That’s why I love you.” Jason sat next to her on rock.

“Wait, what did you just say?” M turned to look at him, not sure if he had actually said those words to her.

“I said I love you.”

“That’s what I thought you said.” Jason touched the side of her face and sighed.

“You’re so beautiful. I just want to tell you that every day.”

M let out a small laugh, “I won’t stop you.”

“Nice. This is why I keep you around.” Jason put his arm around M’s and she rested her head on his shoulder, nestling herself into the groove of his neck.

“I love you too.”

Jason looked down at her, “Really?”

M looked up and laughed, “Ha! Why are you so surprised? I was just waiting for you to say it first.”

Jason rolled his eyes, “You would! You’re so difficult.”

“Whatever, you love me.” M. smiled.

“I know.” Jason pulled M.’s face up to his and kissed her.

“See, that’s why I keep you around.” M grabbed Jason’s hand as they sat on that rock, watching the leaves glisten in the sunlight.

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