Enough With the Capes Already!

by M. Lizabeth Currain

In dishonor of New York Fashion Week (Feb 9th-16th) I am going to be sharing some fashion related thoughts with all of you throughout the week. As a note, I have a degree in Fashion Design and spent some time working for various fashion companies. It was the worst. I continue to have opinions about fashion, the main one being: Seriously, what the fuck are you wearing? So for the next week don your best headband and enjoy the ride.

You know what would go really well with this cape? A Horse.

Let me break it down for all of you: I hate capes.

Every year it seems like someone is trying to make them a “thing”. Just stop it already! No one looks good in capes! You look like a jackal on your way to visit your grandmother’s house in the woods. You don’t look cool.

Wearing a cape lets everyone around you know how hard you are trying to be fashionable…and how awesomely you are failing at it.

I know you’re sitting there thinking, “But I see lots of people wearing capes, and they look kind of cool.”  You just stop with that nonsense right now. I will say this, there is something that the cape does to a normal person’s brain, that makes them think it’s a perfectly acceptable thing to wear. It’s not. First of all, you limit the mobility of your arms. Why would you want to do that? Do you know how much you use your arms for things? A lot. That’s how much. Second, do fucking live in Middle Earth? No. You live in the real world, where capes are dumb. Just accept it.

I once bought a cape at a thrift store thinking I was going to be the toast of the town. I tried it on and was like, “hey, this is pretty neat.” It wasn’t. It was the cape using it’s dark magic on me, making me think I looked cool. Thank god someone I knew gave me a reserved “no” for how it actually looked.

There’s really no way to fight the urge to wear it, except to get rid of it. Which I would suggest doing. Because you look like an idiot.