You’re Doing Valentine’s Day Wrong

by M. Lizabeth Currain

art by Jon Defreest via Vulture

While I was in Duane Reade picking up some toothpaste and other assorted sundries, I noticed the mad rush of men (and a few ladies) buying last minute Valentine’s Day gifts for their wife, girlfriend, side piece, boyfriend, or some combination of the four.

Seriously? You think your significant other is going to be impressed with the shitty teddy bear and box of Whitman’s chocolates (you cheap bastard, at least spring for some decent chocolates) you bought last minute at the drugstore? Do you really think that’s going to get you laid? News flash: It’s not.

My guess is, if your partner is the kind of person that gets really jazzed about Valentine’s Day and is expecting a gift, he or she is going to notice that you put exactly zero effort in to your gift choices. I’m also assuming that you’re the type of person that would leave the price tag on that tacky bear, showing just how much you “value” your loved one.

When it comes to gift giving, the recipient usually knows when you put some thought into it and when you didn’t. In the words of Deena from the Jersey Shore, “this isn’t rocket scientist.

Now, the only Valentine wishes I get are from friends, but I’ve seen my fair share of romantic comedies and know how healthy relationships work. Your drugstore finds at a 3pm on the day of the special occasion are not cutting it.

I’m not saying gifts have to be expensive or that you should even buy a gift for someone. Sometimes all the person wants, is to know that you love them and value them as a person.

These don’t have to be grand romantic gestures. Maybe if your significant other always needs coffee at a certain time of the day and you’re nearby, you can show up with coffee and a nice note. Maybe you never cook or pay for the meal when you go out; now is your chance! Homemade gifts are always nice. I don’t care if they come out shitty, taking time out to sit down and create something shows someone that they are worth your time. Also, craft supplies ain’t cheap, y’all. Get creative! If your significant other has been waiting forever for their turn to read a book at the library, go and buy it for them. They’ll know that you’ve been paying attention to them every time they’ve complained about the book being checked out.

Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day is pretty stupid, but no one wants to look like a giant asshole. Which is what you are going to look like if you show up with a sampler pack of chocolates and carnations that you bought at a gas station/bodega on your way home.

Hopefully this post reaches people before they get a box of Whitman’s chucked at their face.

Whitman’s? Really? You’re just asking for it.