Your Friday Night Barf Inducer

by M. Lizabeth Currain

Everything I hate, all in one person.

You all are going to hate me after this post. It’s okay, I already hate myself.

When I got home from work today, I decided against doing laundry and instead decided to catch up on the Jersey Shore episode I missed last night. Go ahead and judge me, but I never thought I would love that show as much as I do. I even like Ron and Sam this season…mainly because they are hardly ever on camera. And we can all just go ahead and agree that “The Situation” is the worst person on that show. What’s with the way he walks? It’s like he is walking around while pinching a penny with his ass. I don’t get it. Also Vinny and Pauly D are amazing. The three of us need to hang out. The best part about that is, they will still be able to use the acronym ‘MVP’, because I’m the ‘M’! IT’S MY DESTINY.

But this isn’t why I’m here this evening. When I was on MTV’s website, they have a little section on the side for “Hot Videos”. Since I’m an old lady and don’t know anything about what kids who only have access to MTV are listening to, I took a gander. At the very bottom was a link to the video “Vans On” by some Vanilla Ice looking idiot. My initial feeling on just the title of the song was, “Christ, another fucking song about Vans?” Turns out I was correct! Apparently he likes to, “fuck ’em with his Vans on.” OH GOD THIS SONG AND VIDEO IS SO TERRIBLE.

First of all, I don’t think dropping every dated pop culture reference you can think of into your ‘rap’ (I’m using the term loosely)  makes you a) relevant or b) interesting. Major Payne? David Blaine? Fresh Prince? You were barely functioning during the 90s T. Mills, so shut up about it!

Second of all, what is up with his look? Neck tattoos, check. Gauged ears, check. Awful hair, check. Baggy skinny jeans, check. This kid is basically a walking nightmare. I say if you’re going to have a neck tattoo, you might want to reign in some of the awful parts about your appearance. I don’t want to offend people who have invested in neck tattoos, so just know that I go on a case by case basis for judging people and I’ve judged this putz to beawful.

Remember the whole, lesbians who look like Justin Bieber thing? Well, I have a sneaking suspicion that “Lesbians who look like T. Mills” might be taking off pretty soon.

Of course I couldn’t stop myself from going further down the rabbit hole. His twitter, not surprisingly is terrible. I think he was trying to get a trend going with #replacefilmtitleswithvagina. And of course girls were tweeting their versions at him. Ladies! Stop! He is not worth tweeting at! Have you heard his music? Have you seen his grammar? Stop wasting your precious time and go study something! Oddly enough, the picture he uses as a background on his twitter page isn’t unlike what my head did when I saw this next video.

No, you heard correctly. He did say, “You so scandalous but damn that pussy glamorous.”

I am getting so much use out of this gif.

The kid is 22! How much could he possibly know about vaginas? And how does a vagina become ‘glamorous’? How is this achieved? Does it get a blowout? Does it wear Gucci shades and carry an Hermes bag? Is the vajazzling done exclusively at Bvlgari? Does it only go to the most exclusive parties? I DON’T UNDERSTAND PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.

He must be stopped. We can’t allow him to become some anti-Bieber convincing young girls to glamorize their vaginas. Not on my watch.

I apologize for ruining your Friday night.

image via