Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Category: Advice

The Comeback No One Wants

I’m talking about DAD JEANSAccording to the New York Times, an ever reputable source of trends that we didn’t know where a thing: basically anything that happens in Williamsburg or Bushwick, is letting everyone know that dad jeans are back in action.

“…for those willing to push the envelope, dad jeans are one way to stand out at a Bushwick loft party. Besides, roomier washed jeans provide a flourish of ’90s retro, which is making a comeback for Generation Y in the form of Doc Martens, flannel shirts and wallet chains. Some fashion-forward types even go so far as to add pin rolls at the cuffs, Mr. Thoreson said.”

I ask you all to stop right there and let that digest. DAD JEANS ARE A WAY TO STAND OUT. AT A BUSHWICK LOFT PARTY. You will definitely not be mocked or asked to leave if you show up wearing something you once (and probably still) make fun of your own father for wearing. Definitely not.

The New York Times needs to stop trying to make dad jeans happen. Here are a few examples why:

and

For tips on what kind of jeans are acceptable on this place we call Planet Earth, I direct your attention here.

The Jacket My Date Wore

In dishonor of New York Fashion Week (Feb 9th-16th) I am going to be sharing some fashion related thoughts with all of you throughout the week. As a note, I have a degree in Fashion Design and spent some time working for various fashion companies. It was the worst. I continue to have opinions about fashion, the main one being: Seriously, what the fuck are you wearing? So for the next week don your best headband and enjoy the ride.

So on Saturday I went on a date. He was from the land of OkCupid and I used Whitney Houston’s death as a way to end the date early. What does this have to do with fashion? you may be asking yourselves right about now. Let’s just file this under “things that guys shouldn’t wear on a first date or ever, even if their life depended on it.” This the coat my date wore:

:shudder: I’ll give you all a few moments to process this. I know what you’re thinking, “what does his jacket have to do with what kind of person he is?” And to you, I say this: A lot.

We are in a time where it is perfectly acceptable for a man to know how to dress himself properly. There are magazines, websites, television shows, movies, and countless other forms of media that a dude can get sartorial inspiration from. Do you know that this jacket says to me? Do you know what kind of inspiration I think you had when you picked this out?

via

You remind me of a neo-Nazi. You remind me of all the people that weren’t Edward Norton in American History X or Ryan Gosling in The Believer. Because for you, I cannot separate your hideous jacket from somewhat “eh” personality. If his jacket or other parts of his outfit had been better, it might have detracted a little bit from the fact that he was asking me idiotic questions about Alaska (where I grew up) like, “I just saw The Grey. Are wolves like a thing there?” He also kept looking up things on Google on his phone. You’re on a date. Set it aside for a second.

I am not even kidding you when I tell you that I turned the corner and saw a guy in that jacket and immediately thought to myself, “I really hope that’s not him.” And it was. All night I just kept looking at that jacket, crumpled up next to him, wishing I had the ability to set things on fire with my eyes. It was puffy and ill-fitting. There are times and places for jackets like that. I am willing to say that hunting is probably the only place that a jacket like that would be acceptable. Not on a first date in Williamsburg the hippest part of Brooklyn./insert eyeroll. And frankly, since the earth is dying from all the punishment we are putting it through, it wasn’t even that cold out on Saturday. He would have been okay in a nice wool sweater and a scarf.

But it’s winter, he’s just trying to stay warm, you say? Well, I’ve got some advice for all of you guys out there in need of a date/LIFE appropriate winter jacket: It’s called a peacoat. Nothing fancy. You don’t even have to have any fashion sense and you can still look good in a well-fitted peacoat. As Mindy Kaling wrote in her book, “guys need to do almost nothing to be great.” Her words are truest when applied to fashion.

This is the kind of coat you wear on a first date.

Do you think that Ryan Gosling wore that green monstrosity on his first date with Eva Mendes? I don’t think so. If he had, I don’t think they’d be dating. I mean, Ryan Gosling is hot, but that coat green coat is fucking terrible.

Peacoats not your thing? Try a slightly fitted, wool coat, with minimal embellishments. Make sure that the shoulder seams are hitting at your shoulders. I can’t tell you how many people I see with coats a least a size too big for them. This coat below is a nice alternative.

via llbean

So a few things that hopefully you will be taking with you the next time you go coat shopping:

  • Wool is always good. It looks expensive, doesn’t have to be.
  • Peacoats! If they are good enough for Ryan Gosling, they are good enough for you.
  • Slightly fitted coats with a zipper are a nice alternative for the man who thinks peacoats aren’t for him.
  • Make sure the shoulder seam is hitting you at your shoulder. Not below, not above, but at.
  • Navy, black, gray, and brown. You can’t go wrong with these colors. They are fool proof.
  • Stay away from shiny fabric!
  • Take someone with you to buy a coat if you feel like you are completely hopeless.

This shouldn’t really be that hard. You’re an adult. Start dressing like one.

You’re Doing Valentine’s Day Wrong

art by Jon Defreest via Vulture

While I was in Duane Reade picking up some toothpaste and other assorted sundries, I noticed the mad rush of men (and a few ladies) buying last minute Valentine’s Day gifts for their wife, girlfriend, side piece, boyfriend, or some combination of the four.

Seriously? You think your significant other is going to be impressed with the shitty teddy bear and box of Whitman’s chocolates (you cheap bastard, at least spring for some decent chocolates) you bought last minute at the drugstore? Do you really think that’s going to get you laid? News flash: It’s not.

My guess is, if your partner is the kind of person that gets really jazzed about Valentine’s Day and is expecting a gift, he or she is going to notice that you put exactly zero effort in to your gift choices. I’m also assuming that you’re the type of person that would leave the price tag on that tacky bear, showing just how much you “value” your loved one.

When it comes to gift giving, the recipient usually knows when you put some thought into it and when you didn’t. In the words of Deena from the Jersey Shore, “this isn’t rocket scientist.

Now, the only Valentine wishes I get are from friends, but I’ve seen my fair share of romantic comedies and know how healthy relationships work. Your drugstore finds at a 3pm on the day of the special occasion are not cutting it.

I’m not saying gifts have to be expensive or that you should even buy a gift for someone. Sometimes all the person wants, is to know that you love them and value them as a person.

These don’t have to be grand romantic gestures. Maybe if your significant other always needs coffee at a certain time of the day and you’re nearby, you can show up with coffee and a nice note. Maybe you never cook or pay for the meal when you go out; now is your chance! Homemade gifts are always nice. I don’t care if they come out shitty, taking time out to sit down and create something shows someone that they are worth your time. Also, craft supplies ain’t cheap, y’all. Get creative! If your significant other has been waiting forever for their turn to read a book at the library, go and buy it for them. They’ll know that you’ve been paying attention to them every time they’ve complained about the book being checked out.

Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day is pretty stupid, but no one wants to look like a giant asshole. Which is what you are going to look like if you show up with a sampler pack of chocolates and carnations that you bought at a gas station/bodega on your way home.

Hopefully this post reaches people before they get a box of Whitman’s chucked at their face.

Whitman’s? Really? You’re just asking for it.

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