Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Category: Blame it on the alcohol

What People are Searching for This Week

I think I’ve decided on a new weekly feature. If you couldn’t glean what it is from the title of this post, well, there’s just no hope for you as a functioning human being. Every Friday I am going to look at the search engine terms that are leading people to my blog according to the good folks at WordPress. I’ll probably link to some existing content that would explain how those search terms would help people end up on my little corner of the internet. I’m looking for ways to make sure that I keep posting and that there is interesting content being published. And nothing is more interesting to me than what people type into Ask Jeeves.

So for the first installment: 8.12.2011 thru 8.19.2011:

 

val kilmer 6
half ton teen 6
aj mclean 6
sam elliott roadhouse 4
cigarette holder 3
mandy sellars losing legs 2
schmitts gay 2
a. j. mclean 2
the movie lifeguard 2
people with crossed eyes 2
me and my giant leg 2
cartoon unicorns 2
woman with giant legs photos 2
librarian whole body picture 2
no whistling zone 2
friend heart 1
a.j mclean 1
fortune cookies on misery 1
“hate whistling” 1
sam elliott+road house 1
lisa frank unicorn 1
james alexander mclean 1
which days do people go grocery shopping in new york? 1
small black cocktail hats 1
half ton dad 1
roy marathon man 1
sam elliot+roadhouse 1
tombstone the movie val kilmer quotes 1
one leg only girls 1
snl schmitts gay 1
fatty thing 1
1 ton dad after 1
tour guide humor 1
hilariousandnegative 1
lifeguard movie 1

 

It’s nice to see that Val Kilmer, AJ McLean, and Half Ton Teen still have what it takes to be constantly looked up on the interwebs. But the main search term, well two really, that caught my eye, were: ‘one leg only girls’ and ‘librarian whole body picture’. I’m inclined to believe, because this is the internet after all, that the one and two people respectively, searching for these terms are fetishists. Maybe it’s because I know that the internet is the crawling with weirdos (hey every person I Yahoo! chatted with in 1998!) or maybe it’s because I’m weird and always like to take things to that next level of “what-if-ery”.

I mean, why else would someone be searching for ‘librarian whole body picture’? Obviously, they have a thing for librarians, that can’t be fulfilled at their local library. Well, I guess it could, but they run the risk of being arrested and put on a registered sex offenders list. ‘one leg only girls’ also begs the question of “why?”. To me, it would seem less weird if ‘girls’ was singular. Having it plural seems to indicate there is something going on. When I Googled the phrase, a lot of answer-type sites came up with questions like, “Why do girls wear anklets on only one leg?” Um, because wearing them on both is overkill. Haven’t you ever heard that you’re supposed to take off one accessory before you leave the house? No need to be tacky, folks! Another favorite was, “Why do girls/women always lift one leg up when they are kissing a guy?” According to the geniuses answering questions on Yahoo! Answers, it’s a subconscious act of flirtation. There you have it world. SCIENTIFIC FACT. Maybe ladies do this in case they need extra force behind kneeing someone in the groin. Or maybe it’s because we are silly girls who wear pink and want our lives to be like the Princess Diaries.

 

 

Ha! What a joke.

Well, that’s it for tonight ya’ll. I’m supposed to be getting ready for an OkCupid date that’s happening in a little while. Is it really a date if we are meeting for drinks in a bar? I don’t even feel like drinking. I am going to seem like a total square. I’m already over it. I can’t tell if it’s a good or bad thing to go in there with an “I could really give a shit” attitude. I think it’s starting to rain outside, that’s always a good sign right?

Stick around these here parts to hear how my date went and also hope that this coming week is full of wacky search terms leading people to Hilarious and Negative!

NKOTBSB

Finally. The post that all of you have been waiting for and the moment I have been waiting to relive. For those of you just checking this blog out for the first time or perhaps aren’t hip to the supergroup jive: NKOTBSB is the joining of two boyband forces. New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys. I was lucky enough to experience this concert with my best friend on July 31st, 2011 at the Nassau Coliseum. This was probably one of the greatest things that I will ever have had the opportunity to witness.

Just a little back story: My best friend and I have been Backstreet Boy fans since we were 11 years old. We had hundreds of posters on our walls, bought every t-shirt we could find at Sam Goody/Musicland, bought all their videos (our favorite was Backstreet Boys: The Video), and would most likely annoy everyone within a close radius with our incessant talking about them and how much we loved them. We even made a video for the show FANatic on MTV. We never sent it in. It was pretty much an hour of us rambling and looking (me especially) incredibly dorky. Growing up in Alaska, we were doomed to never get very close to them. Our day finally came in October of 1999 when we got to see them during the Into the Millennium Tour at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. At the time, we thought that was the greatest moment of our lives. If only we knew what was going to happen 12 years later.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED!

I think it’s best to sort of tell the rest of this story with a mix of pictures and text. Our faces tell the real story.

So on Sunday July 31st, 2011 we woke up with the knowledge that soon we would be breathing the same air as our ‘tween celebrity crushes. Late in the afternoon after we had gotten back from brunch, we decided it would probably be best if we started drinking. My friend coined it “NKOTBSBgamin'”. We fixed our faces, hair, and outfits with BSB music as our getting ready soundtrack. When the cab came to pick us up to take us to the Coliseum we were out the door like lightening.

Us in the cab. Bursting with excitement!

When we got to the Coliseum there was a super long line to get in.

LET US IN

There were two girls behind us who were super annoying and made us feel old. I say ‘girls’ because they couldn’t have been more than 15 years old. In other words, they were too young for this to have any real meaning for them! They were taking up valuable space. One of the girls mentioned something about listening to Spice Girls when she was “younger”. Um? How young? Your mom playing “Wanna Be” while she was pregnant with you, DOES NOT COUNT. I take this very seriously! I alienated a lot of people with my obsession! I BREATHED Backstreet Boys 24/7 for a lot of years. Don’t ruin this for me little girl!

After a few minutes of feeling old, we finally got inside and laid our eyes on the merch table.

So many choices!

This is us excited about the prospect of memorabilia:

We ended up making this face a lot that night.

After we paid for some memories we hit the alcohol stand. I wish we had been able to bring our own since a 24oz can of LaBatt Blue was $13. Also, limit one per customer! Ha! They obviously think we are stupid. Just go to a different counter to buy your second can. Their regulation system needs some work.

I had to buy a shirt.

Obviously I had buy a shirt. I think it’s progress that I bought one without any faces on it. We sat outside in the “beer tent” to kill some time before the show started.

The opening act was Matthew Morrison. Yes. That Matthew Morrison. Mr. Schuester from Glee. What’s weird is that the first BSB concert we went to had two opening acts. One was Mandy Moore and the other was this cheesy boy band (ha! I have standards) called LMNT. And I am pretty sure that Matthew Morrison was in that band for half a second. We officially came full circle. To be honest, he wasn’t half bad. I realize that this makes me super old. But I think we’ve already determined I’m a middle-aged woman with questionable tastes anyways. I wasn’t even that skeeved out by him rapping “Gold Digger”. There are obviously lots of things wrong with me. It did bother me that he played the Ukulele a lot. And that he pronounced it “oo-kulele”. But for the most part I was blinded by his dance moves.

Almost time!!

One of the funniest things about the concert is that the Nassau Coliseum had the foresight to convert most of its men’s restrooms into ladies’ rooms.

Obviously, they knew the target audience for this show.

OH MY GOD THE SHOW!

NKOTBSB!!!

The concert was amazing. They alternated between being on stage separately and being on stage together. All those boys can still move! We were also pretty close to the action as well. Mainly because two weirdos were sitting in our seats so we just stood down by the railing of our section. Better seats than what was paid for! I think I screamed more at this concert than I did at the one when I was 14. The 48oz of LaBatt, might have contributed slightly to that.

I think our faces pretty much explain everything.

So…here’s the part where a 26 year old woman cries at a boy band concert.

They brought audience members on stage! I WASN’T ONE OF THEM!

During the song “I’ll Never Break Your Heart” (ironic, considering they broke it a million times over at that moment!) BSB went down into the audience and picked four girls to come on stage with them to be serenaded. At that moment I started tearing up. It was pathetic. I was actually upset! Very! I had tears dripping down my face because I was essentially watching a dream of mine and my best friend’s die right in front of my eyes. There was a finality to it. I’m 26. These guys aren’t going to be touring forever and this felt like a last chance. It’s hard watching your dreams die! Even the stupid ones that you know were probably never going to come true. Up until that moment, I still had a little hope that meeting them was possible. Seeing that, it just killed it. It’s hard being an adult sometimes and accepting reality. It was much easier living in the delusions of my youth. I much prefer it to this often shitty reality that I find myself stuck in.

Well, after my little quarter-life crisis breakdown, it was back to screaming and dancing. NKOTBSB really knows how to put on a show. They even brought out Bell Biv Devoe! Crazy! This concert will definitely be something that stays in my memory for a very, very long time as one of the best nights of my life. So far, I don’t see much competition to unseat it.

Here’s a little video of them performing “As Long as You Love Me”. I used my phone to capture this…so profesh, I know.

Hopefully in another 12 or so years, these guys will be hard up for a gig and won’t mind playing in my apartment for $100. DREAMS CAN COME TRUE.

Also, I just enabled my OkCupid profile, so you all have that to look forward to now.

98 degrees and rising

Remember that album? I do! I owned it on compact disc. Remember those things? I even went to see them in concert with my best friend when they came to Anchorage. We weren’t really fans, it was just that they were there and it was a thing to do. We ended up following them to their hotel and waiting it out to get autographs. The things you will do when you are teenager.

I may or may not have had too many piña coladas…so bear with me. I am just trying to get into the habit of writing every day. But the piña coladas were necessary! It was 102 degrees outside! What else was I supposed to drink? Water? That’s for babies. Honestly, I’m this close (just imagine two things really close together) to filling my bathtub with cold water and just sitting in it. I think my air conditioner is blowing out warm air just to fuck with me.You know it’s bad when you are just sitting and you are sweating. No physical exertion necessary. I saw a guy running outside early this afternoon. Are you kidding me?! He could have died it’s so hot out. Totally not worth it. I barely made it to the grocery store to buy some seltzer!

Well, I went out to dinner with a couple of good friends of mine and that is where I got my hands on some frosty alcoholic beverages. Afterward, as a one friend and I were walking to the train, we crossed paths with a group of young men. They made kissing noises at us and said gross things. As young men in New York are wont to do. I was having none of this! So I made it a point of groaning my loudest, “UGH” and shouting “SO GROSS”. And guess what?! They took offense to that! And then called us lesbians!

Yes. Because I am with a female friend and want nothing to do with your pathetic, cat-calling ass, I am a lesbian. Logic is something these young men are not familiar with. Of course every woman not interested in a man saying gross things at them is a lesbian. Makes perfect sense. The fact that I’m not interested, couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you are gross and saying stupid things to women on the sidewalk, could it? Oh heavens no! It’s because I’m a lesbian. That’s right. Thanks for clearing that up for me, young idiot men of New York. I appreciate it.

That alcohol is wearing off. Too bad they don’t give you “To-Go Cups”!

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