The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Category: Fiction

Biggest Loser Recap: Episode 10


I present to you my thoughts on Week Nine of The Biggest Loser in Haiku* form.

The teams switch trainers
Here we go with the crying
Stop being babies!


Dolvett in tights this week, yes!
He could train me any day
Guys, more of this please.


Conda such a two faced snake
Claims she doesn’t play the game. Right.
Such a fat liar.


Just a fat dreamer
Don’t let New York crush you
You skinny now girl.

Seriously you guys, is this season over yet? I am so done with all of these people. I actually really felt bad for Cassandra and the way she was sent home. Conda is such a two-faced, little bitch, who so desperately wants to be part of the boys club that it’s annoying. Cassandra definitely deserved to be there over Chris or Megan. THEY LOST ONE POUND EACH! Are you kidding me?! I can relate to Cassandra a little bit, I was just a fat dreamer, who wanted to move to NYC too! And I did! And now I’m not fat! But NYC still crushes my soul a little bit every day, so, watch out girl! Also, how dumb was that clip of her looking for apartments using a NEWSPAPER!? Are you kidding me with this shit? Seriously, try craigslist. It’s what people on a budget use.

*I checked and triple checked those damn syllables. So don’t even try and tell me these are not Haikus!; because they are now!

Another Installment

Sometimes when I’m feeling a little down or just bored, I look at male catalog models and make up chick-literature like stories about them. It’s a fun way to pass the time. And it never gets old. Seriously, read them more than once, they get more ridiculous with each reading.

Some back story: This is Jason (editor’s note: at least that’s what I’ve been calling him) and he comes from the Eddie Bauer catalog. Jason likes hiking and being out in nature. He teaches horticulture classes at one of the universities where he lives. He loves playing Words with Friends, he can’t get enough of it. He especially loves trying to beat his girlfriend at it…but he never does. Sometimes he cheats and she knows, but she lets him get away with it, because he’s so handsome and always makes her blueberry pancakes on the Saturday mornings when they’re together. They’ve been going out for a little while and he’s been looking for the right time to tell her something…and what better time than when you’re on a hike?

“Jason, just because I said I liked hiking doesn’t mean that I like hiking.” M. sighed heavily as she took off her backpack.

Jason looked at her with a small smile on his face, “So what does it mean, M?”

“It means that I like the idea of hiking. There’s a serious difference.” M sat on nearby rock and took a sip of her water.

“I just thought it would be a nice way for us to spend the day together.”

“Ugh, you are making it impossible for me to be hating this right now. It’s just that, you know how I feel about going to the bathroom outdoors.”

Jason laughed, “I know, I know! It’s actually kind of endearing, you not wanting to pee in the wilderness.”

“Oh shut up! It’s easy for you! I have to make sure I don’t pee on myself! That’s not cool at all!” M tossed her water bottle at him and he laughed as he caught it.

“You’re so weird.”

“I know.” She looked at him smiling.

“That’s why I love you.” Jason sat next to her on rock.

“Wait, what did you just say?” M turned to look at him, not sure if he had actually said those words to her.

“I said I love you.”

“That’s what I thought you said.” Jason touched the side of her face and sighed.

“You’re so beautiful. I just want to tell you that every day.”

M let out a small laugh, “I won’t stop you.”

“Nice. This is why I keep you around.” Jason put his arm around M’s and she rested her head on his shoulder, nestling herself into the groove of his neck.

“I love you too.”

Jason looked down at her, “Really?”

M looked up and laughed, “Ha! Why are you so surprised? I was just waiting for you to say it first.”

Jason rolled his eyes, “You would! You’re so difficult.”

“Whatever, you love me.” M. smiled.

“I know.” Jason pulled M.’s face up to his and kissed her.

“See, that’s why I keep you around.” M grabbed Jason’s hand as they sat on that rock, watching the leaves glisten in the sunlight.

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