The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Category: me

I’ll give you a call this weekend

A while back, in March, before I abandoned this blog (TMI Journal? Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it) I mentioned something about going on a date with a man from OkCupid. I feel confident in calling him a man, because he was 33, employed, had manners, and could string together a sentence. The bar sadly isn’t all that high to manhood boys, so don’t be afraid to jump on over! I believe I also mentioned something about sharing the “horrific details”.

Well, I’m sorry to disappoint all of you…but things actually worked out! We’re a couple now!

KIDDING! I really had you there for a second! Ha! Me, go on a date with a guy that actually ends up working out? You’re all at the wrong blog if that’s the kind of garbage you want to read about. There will be none of that here, thank you very much.

So, PNB (Potential New Boyfriend, thanks Dolly! How terrible is that video? I can’t tell if it’s a fan video or an actual video) and I had exchanged quite a few messages over OkC, when I finally asked him if he would be interested in meeting up. He gave me his phone number and told me to give him a text after the weekend and we would figure out a day. We decided on a Tuesday evening and I picked the place: Stand Burger. I figured if this date is terrible, at least I would get a decent burger and some fried pickles out of it. In all honesty, the date was not bad. There were no awkward silences, he was cute, he liked Deep Space 9, and was originally from Canada. He didn’t dress like he dug his clothes out of the dumpster in Seattle in 1995. In other words…I was banking on living in bliss watching DS9 and receiving socialized health care. Basically…MY DREAM. We talked a lot and after dinner he asked if I wanted to get some coffee and walk around. We walked around for two hours. He also got annoyed at slow walkers that were in front of us and continued to charm his way into my cold, blackened heart. Eventually we parted ways at the subway (not of the sandwich variety) and he told me he would give me a call during  the weekend. Score!

So the next day, I do that thing that I think most people do after a successful first date, (or maybe it’s just me. I haven’t really taken a poll on it) I called a wedding planner! Kidding. Again! I’m really confusing ya’ll out there, aren’t I?! I told you it was going to be a little different around here! On the real though, I sent him a text saying that I had a good time and that hopefully we would be able to meet up again soon. I didn’t hear back from him until two days later! People are so bad at texting. Well, I should clarify: People are bad at responding to my texts. Assholes. He said in so many words, ‘Meaghan! I had a good time too. I will call you this weekend.” Faith restored.

Sunday rolls around. I haven’t heard from PNB yet. Things are starting to look bad. I go out to dinner with my friend Nola, we end up getting three free desserts because our waiter was feeling generous. It was pretty awesome. I’m walking back to the subway and I get a text from PNB asking if I’m busy. I tell him that I’m about to get on the train, but I should be home in around half an hour. I’m positively giddy! It’s pathetic. Truly pathetic. I get home, I get another text a little while later asking if I’m still up. Indeed I am sir, indeed. I. am. The phone rings! We’re chit chatting about the day for like five minutes when he lays it on me. “Well, I just wanted to call you to let you know that I don’t think we’re going to go out again”. Oh, okay? “I just didn’t feel like there was much of a connection”. Um, alright? “I felt like you deserved a call”. Sure, yeah, no problem. “Well, have a good rest of the night”. You too. “I’ll talk to you later”. UH NO YOU WON’T. CLICK. I didn’t say that last part, but I was definitely thinking it. “I’ll talk to you later, even though I will never be seeing you again. Have a nice night! Now that it’s been ruined by the weirdest phone call ever”.

I was basically dumped after one date you guys. I’d say after one date, if you don’t like the person, you don’t continue to drag it out via text message and hope-filled ‘I’ll call you this weekends’. After one date, it’s perfectly acceptable to just ignore a text message. Right? Or is that just something I’ve made up in my mind? I’m pretty sure it’s not. And if it was, there is no way that I am ever wrong. Like, ever. The best part of this whole thing, is that I couldn’t even be mad or upset about it, because he was so fucking nice on the phone. You never want to see me again? Well, when you put it that way…I totally get it! It’s fine! I wouldn’t want to see me again either. Enjoy your night!

It was weird you guys. Getting dumped by phone after one date is not something I want to experience again. I’d rather they just not respond to my next day  ‘Good Times’ text message. Maybe I need to stop sending that? Let them tell me how great the date was via text message the next day. I have a feeling my phone will not be bombarded with texts of that variety. What is a woman in her mid-twenties to do?!

Also, don’t worry your precious little hearts, I’ve got a few more date stories to enchant you all with. You’ll just have to stick around. Bring friends. Is there something you want me to talk about? Leave it in the comments. It doesn’t hurt as much when we’re all laughing together.

That's my face, every day. Minus the unibrow

::picture from: comicartfans::

Ugh, maybe someday I’ll get the hang of updating

Look kids, I’m back. By kids I mean, the people that stumble on to this blog after Googling ‘Jocelyn Wildenstein‘ or ‘half ton teen‘. I know you’ve all been hitting refresh on this here blog since March and your day has finally arrived! I promise this time–I say this every time–I am going to be better about this. I turned 26 a couple of weeks ago and I am in serious need of something fulfilling in my life right now, so maybe writing on a blog that 2 people a week read, can be it. I’ve got to make this work dammit. Honestly, I should be a lot more popular Internet-wise, than I currently am–which is not at all. Get on that and make that happen for me, people of the Internet. People should be hanging on my every word because, every. word. I. say. is. so. god. damn. amazing.

So where did we leave off? I think I was lamenting my internet dating life. Well folks, I disabled my OkCupid profile. Yes, you heard me correctly. Disabled. That’s not the same as delete, so don’t get so fucking excited. I don’t go trolling for dudes on it anymore, so I didn’t really want anyone messaging me or laughing at my profile in the cold, dark, silence of their parent’s basement–so I turned it off. Meaning, people can’t see my profile; it’s as if it’s been deleted! However, I am also realistic and can see my inevitable return to the dumpster that is OkC, so if I ever log back onto the site, it reappears, as if I had been there all along! Saves me the trouble of coming up with a new screen name. I am nothing, if not a realist.

Other than that…I finally watched The Wire. Can I just go on record saying that it’s probably one of, if not the greatest show ever? It’s just so good! When I was in Massachusetts visiting my brother, I saw the actor Jim True-Frost who played Roland Pryzbylewski. I think I spooked him, because I might have emitted a high-pitched squeal when I saw him. I love celebrity sitings!

Now, I don’t want to blow my load on my first post back in months, but just so you all know, I have some gems stored up. They are just waiting to be shot onto the face of the internet. Gross! Tell your friends I sometimes write about loads being blown, I need all the readers I can get. I’m not going to be as picky about this as I am about the guys I go on dates with.

This 26th year of me being alive could possibly be the best thing that’s happened to this blog in a while. It’s quarter-life crisis time! Well, if I plan on living past 100. I’ve changed the look of the blog–yet again. I like this one. I don’t feel as though my eyes are being attacked. Also, to try and update more, there might be less “life-focused” pieces and there may be some weird exercises in fictional writing. I haven’t really decided yet. But I seriously need a creative outlet. Crafting can get to be really expensive and sometimes I think I’m not creative enough for that and I give up when things don’t turn out right. Also, as much as I want it to be, NetFlix is not a creative outlet. I’ve tried so hard to make it one, but it’s just not working. For those of you who are worried that the tone of this whole thing will change–slow your roll. Changing my tone would be like asking the Earth not to rotate around it’s axis. It just cannot be done.

So before I leave ya’ll biting your nails until the next time, I thought I would share this story because it basically happened like two hours ago. Right now, I’m a work. Working hard obviously. It’s a graduate assistant job–it’s not real work, people. Occasionally the phone will ring and I will answer it, prepared to ask someone, “Did you check the website”? Well, a woman called, asking about the location of a class she is taking in the fall, since it is off-campus. No big deal. I tell her where her class is, have a nice day, etc.  About an hour later she calls back, “Hi, this is so and so, and I just called asking about where a class is located, and are you the person I spoke with before”? Yes. “Well, after I hung up with you my phone wasn’t working properly and I was just wondering if you hung up your phone correctly or if you did something else”? Um, we just have a regular phone here and I just hung it up. Sorry. “Well, okay then”. And I hang up, correctly, again. UH???? How does any of that make any sense?! I don’t understand how me hanging up my phone wrong (which might be impossible) would affect how her phone works. She probably has an iPhone or an Android that she doesn’t know how to use properly and probably pressed hold instead of hanging up. I don’t get it. I love being blamed an hour later for OPP (Other People’s PROBLEMS). Also, self-sufficiency has really hit an all time low. I’m always getting calls or emails about things that are very easy to find out, if you search for it. If you had the energy to search for the phone number or the email, chances are, you’d probably be able to find out that other information that you needed. I am going to be a terrible librarian once I graduate. I have no time for people’s foolishness! Or the masturbatory habits of public library users.

Check back soon for more! And bring friends!

Online Dating

Ugh. I joined OKCupid again. I was on there a couple of summers ago and then deleted my page after better judgment grabbed hold. And here I am again. I’m giving it about a week before the novelty wears off and I delete my page again. I am very fickle and honestly don’t have the drive to actively message and engage people on an online dating site.

So why am I doing this? I was bored? That seems about the only logical explanation that I can come up with at this juncture. I’m telling myself that this is an experiment that I’m doing–to see how many people I would clearly not be interested in, will contact me. So far, that’s about the only group that’s been messaging me.

Maybe it’s because I don’t come off overly friendly in my profile? Or particularly interested? Here’s a rundown of how I am presenting myself to the online dating public through OKCupid’s format:

My self-summary: 

I watch a lot of netflix.
I like hating on things.
I like making myself laugh.
I like myself.
What I’m doing with my life: 

Library school.
Working my way through various television series on netflix.
Being creative and inventive.
I’m really good at: 

Making fun of people’s outfits.
Following recipes.
Running on the treadmill.
Remembering people.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: 

The Chris Farley Show, Confederacy of Dunces, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, The Outsiders…the list goes on. 

Where to even start?! If it has Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Lundgren, Van Damme, or Seagal…I will watch it and most definitely love it. And of course I like indie movies…i live in Brooklyn after all.

30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, Community, The X-Files, King of the Hill (That’s my purse, I don’t know you!), Futurama, and any show involving fat people trying to lose weight and crying about it.

Whatever sounds good. Modern country does not sound good to me and neither does Christian music. I like 90s pop music a lot because it reminds me of being a nerdy middle schooler.

Goat cheese, english muffins, blueberries

The six things I could never do without: 

Things to laugh at
I spend a lot of time thinking about: 

Why people dress like such jackasses.
The different novels, screenplays, and tv show ideas I have.
On a typical Friday night I am: 

Usually watching netflix. Part of me wants to change that. The other part of me just wants to find someone willing to do that with me.
I’m afraid to message people on here, because what if they don’t message me back and we run into each other waiting for the subway? It’ll be awkward.
My glasses prescription is -10.5.

You should message me if:

you actually read all of this.
you are over 5’7″.
your pants aren’t so tight that I can see a vagina forming.
you don’t wear your pants belted half-way down your ass.
you like the movie “Last Action Hero”.


I know I’m not really trying that hard. But, if I was, that wouldn’t really be genuine. Also, who wants to come off excited about online dating? Not me. I went on one date with a guy the last time that I was on there and trust me, it was nothing to get excited about.We got drinks and then made out (ha!) in his apartment. He had a twin bed. Dude was 28. Time to upgrade. Also his room contained his “ex girlfriends” clothes. Right.

Also, online dating makes it really easy to be overly picky and shallow. It’s very easy to dismiss people after you’ve read their profile. The majority of them are overly pretentious! Like seriously, that’s great that you love Ingmar Bergman, craft beer, and Baudelaire, but is there anything that you like, that isn’t liked because it will “impress” people? And a lot of the guys are not that cute. I mean, when you meet someone in person and go on some dates with them, you can grow attracted or disgusted with them over time based on good or weird personality traits and ticks. This just gives me an opportunity to be overly shallow and judge a book by their cover and inside jacket.

I wasn’t cut out for this. I think it requires an effort I don’t think dating necessarily deserves. It is amusing to me though. I like seeing what kind of weirdos I attract and how it’s inevitable that people will message you without appearing to have read anything in your profile or even looked at your “match” quotient. I can’t wait until next Friday when I can delete my online dating presence.

Also, more guys should be messaging me because I am hot and awesome.

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