The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Category: misery

It took them long enough.

You know what I love most about working? The day when someone finally comes and asks me if I’m okay because they’ve noticed my “poor attitude”. It is my absolute favorite.

Today was that day. It only took 4 and a half months! That might be a new record. Apparently myself and one of the other ladies that I work with are a cause for concern among our superiors. Something about how we’re unresponsive and we should smile more. What is it with the smiling?! Also, what are we supposed to be responding to? We sit in a room entering stuff into a database all day and whenever one of them comes in, they don’t say ‘hi’ to us. Or am I supposed to be responding to the countless emails that I am cc’d on that have absolutely nothing to do with me or my job?

Frankly, I get the work done. Whether I get it done with a smile on my face or not, shouldn’t really matter. Honestly, this is my face and my general disposition. I’m not going to do jazz hands every time I have to send something out UPS or enter something into the database. And why should I? It’s not like it’s super exciting. It’s not even that bad of a job, it’s just that this is how I am. I’m naturally unenthusiastic about menial, repetitive work.

Sometimes I wish I could carry around a list of references of past employers or professors that have confronted me on my attitude, but then finally figure out that this is just who I am and doesn’t it doesn’t affect my work. Generally it all boils down to the whole smiling thing. During one work review at my last full-time job (retail! Ugh!) my boss (who hated me…mainly because I had a vagina) told me that I could easily be a manager, that my customer service was great, that I get all the work done, and do more than most of the people in the store, but…that my attitude sucked. What?! How does any of that even make any sense. Basically he wanted me to come to work every day with Lisa Frank rainbows shooting out of my ass. Not going to happen. I do the work, it gets done! In fact, I do other peoples work too! Maybe that’s why I’m not fucking smiling all the time.

While I was in college I was having a meeting with a professor of mine and she asked, “In my class, are you bored or is that just your face?” So said, “Well, sometimes when other students are talking, I’m bored, but for the most part, it’s just my face.” It’s true! It’s just my face. I can’t help it if I look disinterested 95% of the time. I’m thinking about a lot of stuff…mainly how uninteresting everyone is.

In high school my English teacher brought me outside of the class one day to talk to me about my attitude. She even got a little teary-eyed. I did actually feel bad about that. She was nice and was trying. It wasn’t her fault that she had to dumb down the curriculum because the class was full of morons. She said that I always had a snide remark or rolled my eyes every time she gave an assignment out. I used the age old, “I’m just not being challenged enough” to get her off my back. It worked and in the end I think she ended up feeling sorry for me that she couldn’t provide a higher level of assignments for the class. In hindsight, I was pretty much a bitch and do kind of regret making her feel that way about her teaching.

What I am trying to say is…this is just who I am! Why can’t society accept that some people are just not always sunshine and rainbows? Just because I’m not smiling like a idiot all day, doesn’t mean that I’m not content or getting my work done.

Maybe I’ll try a different plan of action. Instead of working hard and not smiling…I’ll smile all the god damn time and work very little. How does that sound to everyone?

I’ll let you know if I get fired.

Failed Trainmance

You know what I don’t understand about dating? All the games being played. Right now I’m playin’ a big old game of solitaire.


I just want someone to hold me!


Back in the middle of June, I was making my way from one bar to the next. I was waiting for the train, listening to some jams, and a guy walked by me. He smiled at me and since he was cute and I was feeling particularly good about myself that night, I smiled back. He said, I said ‘hi’, but I seriously doubt that. We kept glancing at a each other and smiling and when the train finally came, we both made our way for the same door. He said ‘hi’ and we both took out our earbuds. He asked me what I was listening to. Of course I wasn’t listening to anything remotely hip or underground. I was listening to Lady fucking Gaga’s new album. Don’t judge me! I bought it on Amazon for $.99. Technically, I didn’t even spend money on it because I had a little over a dollar left on a gift card. So there! I sort of averted my eyes and mumbled, “ughhhh…Lady Gaga”. He said, “let’s switch”.  So we traded iPhones. Of course he was listening to Elvis Costello, making me looking like an even bigger asshole. We sat next to each other on the train and chit-chatted. When his stop was approaching he said, “I’m going to give you my phone number”. I liked that approach because it gave me control over the contacting situation. Also, I hate giving out my number for fear that person will continue to call me and leave voicemails playing Here Without You by 3 Doors Down; true story. His stop came and we said goodbye. I continued my journey with a giddy little smile on my face. I just experienced a real live trainmance.

So the next day I sent him a text: Hey it’s Meaghan, we met on the train last night. Just wanted to say “hey”. He text me back almost immediately say, “I’m glad you didn’t wait to contact me”, followed up by, “Soooo…When shall we hang out? What are you doing this Wednesday night”? And yes I have the text messages saved! I’m a text hoarder. I can’t help it.

We ended up getting together that Thursday. We met up for dinner in Brooklyn. A BBQ place. I was very relieved that he wasn’t a vegetarian. I already hate picking restaurants, it’s just added pressure when they have dietary restrictions. During dinner we were chatting and I asked him where he was from. He said, “Alaska.” My jaw almost hit the table. Of all the people I meet on the train and end up going on a date with, he ends up being from Alaska, Southeast Alaska no less. It was the craziest thing. After dinner we walked around for a bit and he suggested we get ice-cream. We ended up at Junior’s. Do yourself a favor and get the Chocolate sundae with marshmallows. We talked some more and then decided to take the 40 minute walk back to my apartment. While we were walking he said, “I’m going to kiss you”. I was like, “ON THE SIDEWALK?” Ha! Like I cared. Although, making out in public kind of makes me nervous because one time I was at the park making out with a then-boyfriend and a homeless guy yelled, “Get a room!” In hindsight, I should have yelled back, “GET A HOME”.

Anyways, we would kiss periodically on the way to my apartment and when we passed the train station close to my building, I said, “You’re not coming upstairs tonight, so if you want to get on the train now, here’s your chance”. He decided to walk me to my building. We ended up making out in front of my building for like an hour. IT WAS AWESOME. He asked me if I wanted to go out again and I said, yes. He asked if it would be better to text or call, and I said either one. He said, do you want to just make plans now? I said, okay. He said, what are you doing tomorrow? I said, nothing that I know of. So we made tentative plans for the next day. He left and I walked my giddy personage up to my apartment. He text me a couple of minutes later saying, “smiling like a fool on the train”.  Swoon.

The next day he text me and asked about getting dinner and a movie. It sounded like a plan to me. We met a restaurant we ended up not staying at. The movie was called On Tour (Tournée). It was actually really good, I recommend checking it out. Afterward, we walked back to my apartment. This time I let him come up. Ha! He stayed the night. Double Ha! Obviously I do not subscribe to that old adage, “Why buy the cow, when he can get the milk for free”. Slut. It was worth it! I’m grown! I can do what I want!

We texted throughout the week and got dinner and saw The Trip (See this movie! It is amazingly funny and heartfelt) that Friday. After we went to the park and people-watched for a little while and then walked towards the train. I made it very clear that if he came to my apartment there would be no shenanigans because Tampax was taking residence in my vagina at the moment. I basically told him, “so if that was your only reason for coming over, I’m giving you the chance to back out now”. He laughed and understood. We took the train back to my place. We made out like teenagers and then went to sleep.

He left the next morning and we texted each other off and on that week. That weekend I went out of town for my birthday. When I got back, I checked in to see if he wanted to hang out. He said he was “busy that weekend, next week”?  I said, sure and for him to give me a holler when he was all freed up. He said, “will do my dear, sorry. getting ready for a big project”.  Which was true, he was working on some art stuff.

So I let a couple of weeks go by. I didn’t hear from him. I decided to give it one more shot and sent him a text wishing him good luck on his art project that was happening in a couple of days. He responded with: “Thanks darlin! Long time no talk, how are you”? I really had to reign it in. I wanted to be like, “You have my g.d. number. Are your fingers broken”? But I ended up saying, I was good and that my friend was coming into town for the week. I also said that if he was free the next weekend and wanted to hang to let me know. He said, “I’d love to! Lets talk next week, these next few days are insane”.

That was the 29th of July. Maybe he died?

What I don’t understand, is why people just can’t be honest? I mean, if you don’t want to hang out with someone, don’t keep dragging it out with hopeful phrases like, “I’d love to!” I mean seriously! What is the purpose of that? Just tell someone you don’t think it is going to work out! Is that really so hard? It certainly worked for this guy.

This disappearing act needs to stop. Just because you don’t text someone back, doesn’t mean they no longer exist. And it’s depressing that at 26, I can let a guy get to me like this. When does it stop? All I know, is that the only one missing out is him. Fuckin’ idiot. I’m awesome.

I’m turning a new leaf where I don’t give a flying fuck anymore. Those boys on OkCupid aren’t going to know what hit them.




Remember when that happened? That was when America’s Next Top Model was still good. I loved watching repeats on Vh1 during the summer.

Well, a similar thing happened to me today! Well, I didn’t fall backward, stiff as a board, but I did faint. On the subway on my way to work no less.

So my morning routine was normal, no hitches.  I had my Fage 2% Greek yogurt with fresh blueberries and blackberries and two turkey sausage links. The turkey sausage wasn’t mixed with the yogurt. That would be gross. My outfit was cute, green shorts and a gray tee; yes, that’s my idea of a cute outfit. My make-up was looking good, I was listening to Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast on my walk to the train as per usual. I love that podcast so much. It’s got so many layers to it. It has the ability to make me laugh and cry. Also, I find myself totally relating to Maron–I’m sure that everyone who listens to his podcast says the same thing. But you know, how when you discover something at certain point in your life and everything that is talked about is everything that you are going through? That’s how I feel when I listen to WTF. I need to send that man some baked goods.

I digress. So when the train finally comes, it’s a little more crowded than normal and it’s running at the pace of a snail because of signal problems. We ended up spending close to 10 minutes just sitting in one station. Eventually the train starts creeping along, I’m standing, holding on to the bar above my head, listening to my boy Maron, and I start feeling nauseous. I get that feeling where you are hot, but you also feel clammy. I’m thinking to myself, don’t throw up on the person sitting down in front of you, just make it to the next station and get off and just wait it out. I’m pretty sure I closed my eyes to try and center myself.

That’s really the last thing I remember until my vision starts fading in from black and I realize I am sitting on the floor of the subway car, kind of slumped onto the guy’s legs in front of me. I was so confused. How did I end up on the floor?! People looked concerned. A lady got up from her seat and the guy who I fainted on helped me up from the floor so I could sit. I was really shaken up by the whole thing. It took me a good minute or two to realize that I had fainted. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. I think the guy must have caught me enough when I fainted, so I that just crumpled to the ground instead of taking out a whole bunch of passengers on my way down. I kept apologizing to the him, but he just kept asking me if I was okay. He was very nice. Too bad he wasn’t hot! Well, more like too bad he wasn’t previously traveling with his girlfriend who got off a few stations earlier. I faint and the universe can’t even give me the gift of a hot guy catching me? What kind of stupid romcom is the universe writing for me?!

One older lady handed me some tissues. A woman around my age asked me if I wanted her to the get an MTA agent; I declined. Another lady kept checking up on me and when I finally got off at the West. 4th St. Station she made sure I was okay. People were very nice. I was kind of surprised. You see a lot of videos of stuff getting ignored on the subway, so it’s nice to know that there are people willing to help someone in need.

I obviously decided not to go to work and took a cab home. When I got back to my apartment, I WebMD’d myself. I’m blaming my fainting on “intense emotional stress”. I have my reasons. I wish it were drugs and alcohol!

At least I was able to provide some entertainment for the morning commute. I also got a blog post out it. Today wasn’t so bad, I guess.

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