Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Category: searches

Today In Searches

I like to check the stats of my blog. Because I like to cry over how many people aren’t visiting during the day. One of my favorite things to look at is the “Search Engine Terms”…you know, those words that you type into Google, that eventually lead you here and then have you scratching your head wondering what you’ve gotten yourself into. I used to do a weekly post on this, but it got kind of tiresome because people were always searching for the same thing: Jean-Claude Van Damme’s ass. I mean, I don’t blame them, it’s a nice ass. And honestly, that search term has brought me a lot of viewers–but I sensed that people were probably getting tired of basically reading the same blog post week after week…for like 4 weeks.

HOWEVER! I couldn’t keep this search term to myself. Today when I was checking my stats, through my tears (seriously you guys, start making me popular!) I saw this gem: Jonathan Frakes Naked !!!!!!!!! I added those exclamation points for effect.

Someone is actually searching for a picture of a naked Jonathan Frakes! I want to know more about this person! Male or Female? Young or old? Strictly just a Next Generation fan? What are their thoughts on Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction?

But most importantl; Jonathan Frakes naked during his peak?

Or Jonathan Frakes naked now? I guess busy, leisure shirts really get some people going?

Either way, this just confirms that I am writing about relevant topics that people in the year 2012 care about. I win the Internet!!

Frakes photo from: http://tv.yahoo.com/jonathan-frakes/contributor/32367/photos/1

 

 

This Week in Searches

Blah, it’s another exciting Friday. I need to break out of this funk I am in. But it’s raining, so I am using that as my excuse as to why I am in on a Friday night. I mean, I am 26 and single! I should be living it up on the streets of New York. I guess that’s not how I roll? I don’t know. I just looked at my post from last Friday…it was raining then too! The world is conspiring against me going out, kicking up my heels, and having a good time. For shame!

Anywhoo, here’s what you all came for. Or maybe not. I keep this up because it forces me to post and not give into my natural urge to lay on my couch and watch the rest of Wings.

2011-09-23 to Today

Search Views
val kilmer 53
sylvester stallone cobra 31
jean claude van damme 25
jean claude van damme hot 20
jean claude van damme naked 19
cobra sylvester stallone 15
aj mclean 9
sylvester stallone in cobra 8
gwildor 8
val kilmer shirtless 5
alexander james mclean 5
jean-claude van damme 5
jean claude van damme ass 5
lisa frank 4
hilarious pet peeves 4
sylvester in cobra 3
sam elliott roadhouse 3
robert redford 3
jean-claude van damme nude 3
jean claude van damme underwear 3
cobra stallone 3
jean claude van damme nude 3
van damme split 3
jean claude vandamme 3
sly stallone 3
jean claude van damme doing splits 3
robert redford mustache 3
tim daly 2
bd wong 2
jean claude van damme movies 2
jean claude van dam nude 2
val kilmer’s 2
a. j. mclean 2
stallone in shades 2
half ton mom tlc 2
jean claude van dam 2
sylvester stallone in cobra pics 2
mermaid tail 2
silvester stallone cobra 2
kobra sylvester stallone 2
jean claude van damme blood sport 2
naked van damme 2
cobra+sylvester 2
mermaid tails 2
jean claude van damme kickboxer 2
one ton dad 2
val kilmer no shirt 2
my robert redford hair 2
ton mom 2
hilarious and negative 1
mermaid pregnant 1
jean claude van damme height 1
schmitts gay 1
masters of the universe movie gwildor 1
tim daly 2011 emmy’s 1
jean claude van damme foto 1
jean claude van damme split 1
nkotbsb bell biv devoe 1
van damme films 1
jean claude van dame nude 1
jean claude van damme in underwear 1
redford out of africa 1
sylvester stallone picture in cobra 1
jean claude van damme dancing 1
jean-claude 1
silvestre stallone cobra 1
stallone cobra 1
jean claude van damme bum 1
silvester stalone cobra 1
shannen doherty 1
luke perry+surfing 1
new jackie chan 1
lisa frank wallpapers 1
val kilmer in top gun shirtless pics 1
vandamme naked 1
vintage jean claude van damme nudes 1
biehn 1
robert redford foto 1
the lady with the giant legs on tlc 1
jean claude van damme love 1
val kilmder 1
i hate whistling 1
splits jean claude 1
jean-claude van damme native language 1
cobra sly stallone 1
jean claude van dame hot 1
marathon man scheider 1
best strip club anchorage 1
pic no whistling 1
van damme wallpaper 1
tlc half ton dad 1
jonathan frakes imdb 1
split jean claude van damme 1
jean.claude.naked 1
sexy librarian 1
half ton dad update 1
кобра сталоне 1
van damme hot 1
splits jean-claude 1
jonathan frakes 1
the woman with the giant legs 1
sylvester stallone kobre 1
jean claude van damme diving board 1
rocky 1 sylvester stallone 1
no whistling zone 1
slyvester stallone cobra 1
jean claude van damme + height 1
john claude van damme doing splits 1
negative hilarious 1
van damme naked 1
a.j.mclean 1
val kilmer 2011 1
“jean claude van damme” naked 1
sylvester stallone kobra 1
luke perry 1

 

Wow. 42 people this week were looking for Jean Claude Van Damme in various states of undress. From just his underwear to his naked ass. I’m not surprised, it’s a nice ass. (Um…NSFW below!)

 

 

Picture courtesy of My New Plaid Pants

 

But come on you guys! He’s not a piece of meat! He’s a man, with feelings and thoughts. He definitely wouldn’t want us all sitting around our computers giggling about how hot is ass is. Ha! Who am I kidding? That’s all he wants us doing! Continue to titter away, internet!

jonathan frakes imdb What I love about this, is the person who typed this into a search engine, probably could have saved themselves like a fraction of a nano-second by just going to IMDB. I kind of hate it when people type a web-address into a search engine. That is what the address bar is for! Do people not know how to use the internet?! It’s been around for a while now, there are no excuses anymore. In one of my classes during my first semester of grad school, I sat next to a woman who tried to type an email address into the address bar. She also emailed the tech tutor to find out what a ‘web browser’ was. Of course she was in my group! The worst of it was that she tried showing me pictures of her kids. Take that nonsense elsewhere…I do not care about your children.

hilarious and negative and negative hilarious When I see this in the search terms, I like to pretend that my blog has a following. That people are reading this and then telling their friends, “oh hey, there’s this really cool blog out there called ‘Hilarious and Negative’, you should totally check it out. The chick who writes it, is so fucking hilarious and hot, I have no idea why she is single and hasn’t been snatched up by Ryan Gosling yet.” In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s how that is said every time. By me. Into my mirror in the morning.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll do something. Like go to a bar and buy an attractive stranger a drink. Or maybe I’ll just sit at home staring at my computer screen with a deadness behind my eyes, wondering what my life is becoming.

This Week in Searches

Alright, it’s Friday, it’s rainy, and I should probably be watching the two movies I have out from Netflix before it turns into Qwikster.

Let’s get down to business.

2011-09-16 to Today

 

Search Views
val kilmer 124
sylvester stallone cobra 39
jean claude van damme hot 30
cobra sylvester stallone 25
jean claude van damme 23
jean claude van damme naked 9
val kilmer shirtless 9
samuel elliott 8
gwildor 8
jean-claude van damme 6
jean claude van damme ass 5
robert redford mustache 5
lifeguard movie 5
jean claude van damme now 4
one ton dad 4
sylvester stallone kobra 4
schmitts gay 4
val kilmer top gun shirtless 4
jean claude van damme 2011 3
chan clon van dame sin ropa 3
sylvester stallone-cobra 3
tim daly 3
sylvester stallone 3
tim daly hot 3
i hate whistling 2
the women with giant legs 2
sylvester stallone vintage 2
one ton teen 2
hilarious pet peeves 2
van damme ass 2
tim daly wings 2
gwildor masters of the universe 2
van damme naked 2
vintage diving board 2
hipster winter 2
jean claude 2
tim daly emmy 2011 2
jean claude van damme in the splits 2
baby born with a mermaid tail 2
robert redford out of africa 2
val kilmer pics 2
jean cluade van dam/2011 2
jean claude vandame nude 2
yan clon bandam hot 2
cobra sylvester 2
jean claude splits 2
sylvester stallone in cobra 2
www stallone cobra com. 2
jonathan frakes 2
robert redford 2
lifeguard the movie 2
pic of sylvester stallone in cobra 2
robert redford hair 1
star trek 1
aj mclean nkotbsb concert pictures 1
hate whistling 1
aj mclean 1
picture of jean-claude van damme doing the splits 1
cobra silvester 1
no whistiling zone sign 1
van damme doing splits 1
tlc lady with the giant legs 1
kilmer 1
schmitts gay snl 1
pregnant mermaid 1
sly stallone cobra 1
roy scheider 1
images de sylvester stallone dans cobra 1
wallpapers of jean claude van damme . 1
jean claude van damme butt 1
val kilmer willow 1
jean claude van damme wallpaper 1
alexander james mclean 1
jean claude van damme doing splits 1
half-ton dad update 1
spring ball ariel by disney princess club 1
a.j. mclean 1
фингеры 1
mermaid young girl on oprah 1
fotos de val kilmer 1
man that nearly weighed a ton who was on tlc television show 1
val kilmar shirtless 1
no whistle zone 1
val kilmer foto 1
tlc the woman with the giant legs 1
van damme arse 1
best strip club anchorage 1
training montages are cool 1
fotos hot de jean claude van dame 1
vall kilmer 1
cigarette holder 1
luke perry gay or not 1
cartoon unicorns 1
i will give you a call this weekend 1
1976 lifeguard 1
silvester stalone kobra 1
cobra sly stallone 1
sylvester stallone cobra picture 1
jean claude van damme nude 1
pictures of unicorns and rainbows 1
lisa frank 1
cobra, sylvester stallone 1
sylvester stallone cobra pictures 1
jean-claude van damme 2011 1
sylvester stallone, as cobra 1
van damme hot 1
image de sylvester stallone dans cobra 1
shaun claude van dam 1
young val kilmer shirtless 1
jean-claude van damme ass 1
jean claude van damme underwear 1
sylvester stalone cobra 1
jcvd butt 1
van damme jean-claude 1
jean-claude 1

 

Okay, it’s safe to say that Val Kilmer is killing it in search terms yet again. I won’t bore you with this anymore.

Here are some of my favorite search terms this week that led people over to Hilarious and Negative Land:

chan clon van dame sin ropa, yan clon bandam hot, and shaun claude van dam. Oh my god you guys! I laughed so hard when I saw these three egregious spellings of Jean Claude Van Damme’s name. Chan Clon? Also, I like how they were looking for Chan Clon without clothes on. Is this is a human hybrid of Jackie Chan and Van Damme? That would be interesting to see. Yan Clon Bandam is hot! Shaun Claude! Is he Irish? I love that you can type in some weird variation of Jean Claude Van Damme’s name and all the search results are for him. It’s like Google knows what the people want. I mean, I typed in don clon vandan’ just for fun, and the first result is JCVD’s Wikipedia page! Priceless.

pictures of unicorns and rainbows. What? Are you in a fucking good mood or something? Get the fuck out of here. We only like unicorns and rainbows around these here parts when we are talking about someone blowing them out of their ass. I hope you learned your lesson!

luke perry gay or not. Never. And I just know it was a man searching for this information. You can’t have them all, okay? You already have some good ones, like Neil Patrick Harris, Ricky Martin, Rufus Wainwright, and B.D. Wong. Leave some for us.

man that nearly weighed a ton who was on tlc television show. I just like this because of how detailed the search was. I mean, TLC has really cornered the market on “documentaries” about morbidly obese people, so all you’d have to do is type, “TLC FAT GUY” and I’m sure you’d find what you are looking for. This is part of my new life as a library student. Helping people search for things.

Meaghan, P.I…I (Private Internet Investigator).

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