Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Category: shattered dreams

This Is What $75K Looks Like

In case any of you were ever wondering what $75,000 (plus interest!) looks like or what it buys you, let me enlighten you.

Image

Now, I don’t want to sound entitled, but I think  for $75k they should have at least included a frame. So not only did I spend almost a $100 grand on a piece of paper that looks like it was made by students in the Graphic Design program, I now have to spend an extra $20 for a frame?  Seriously, look at this piece of shit. I am pretty sure that is a sticker at the top under the name of the school I went to. A STICKER. And what font is that even? Times New Roman? I’m surprised they didn’t print it in Wing Dings.

And let’s not even get into the fact that Forbes named Library Science THE WORST MASTER’S DEGREE TO GET. And Pratt couldn’t even make up for that fact by printing it on a piece of paper larger than your standard 8.5″ by 11″.

And just for fun, I dug up my Diploma from undergrad and did a little comparison.

Look at how much bigger that thing is! And look at the delicate scribbles around the name of the university, which may I point out is IN LATIN. In fact, the whole god damn thing is in Latin, except for my fucking name. And for four years, it was roughly the same price when you factor in scholarships and various other things I did to get my tuition down (blow jobs, hand jobs, etc.). And! All that stuff was embossed! EMBOSSED. They had better sense than to use a fucking sticker.

So let me break this down for you in case you still aren’t getting it. $75,000 will get you an 8.5″ by 11″, MS Paint, Lisa Frank sticker wearing, Wing Ding, unframed piece OF BULLSHIT THAT WON’T GET YOU A JOB THAT WILL ALLOW YOU TO PAY BACK YOUR STUDENT LOANS BEFORE YOU DIE.

The Best or Worst News of the Day

Depending on which side of the sexuality spectrum you fall on, the following piece of news will either be the best or worst thing you’ll hear on Valentine’s Day.

via Buzzfeed

America’s and arguably the world’s most handsome television actor, Matt Bomer, is gay. Straight ladies, I’ll give you a moment to get some tissues to dry your eyes with. Gay men, you can just settle down, we don’t need you rubbing this one in our faces. I’m having a lame enough week as it is!

On Saturday when Bomer was accepting a Steve Chase Humanitarian Award for the Desert AIDs Project he thanked Simon and his three children from the stage.

Obviously he wasn’t that in the closet considering he has three kids with his partner Simon. This is just one less celebrity that I stand a chance with you guys. I mean, I’m becoming more practical in my old age when it comes to celebrity crushes; I barely have the energy to get emotionally involved if i know they are dating someone or married. But gay? Pining after a gay guy just makes me look delusional! And that’s no good.

I’m this close to pulling a “Just One of the Guys.” Well, if he breaks up with his man. I don’t want to be a beef thief.

So, gay men, you win this round! But we still have Ryan Gosling. And you are sorely mistaken if you think I’m going to let that happen. You will have to pry him from my cold, dead, hands.

Resume Up-sell

While enduring the first “practicum” class, aka, the “you’re paying to work for free class” of the semester we all had to go around the room and introduce ourselves. People were saying where they were interning and other boring information I could give a flying footnote about, when this one young woman dropped a little gem on us all. I was only half listening so I can’t even remember where she was interning, but she said how the internship is a good fit because her, “background is in the retail book industry.”

And then my brain exploded. It looked a little something like this:

I think what she meant to say is: I used to work at Barnes and Noble.

I get it. We all want to make our job seem a little fancier. I used to tell people I worked for a Non-profit, because technically I did; just in the retail aspect. But saying “non-profit” makes me sound like a do-gooder and like I had a job with meaning.

I’ve also been known to upgrade my job title on resumes as well. I believe I turned “Key-holder” into “Assistant Manager”. Solid up-sell! I did all the work that the assistant managers did, why shouldn’t I have the same title?

I also had the habit of quitting jobs soon after I got them for other opportunities. I turned those jobs into “freelance” work. That’s what freelance is all about! Getting in and getting out!

All I’m saying is, if you’re going to lie about working at Barnes and Noble, you might as well really go for it and say that you worked in Publishing or Distribution. Retail book industry, girl please. Come to me the next time you need help tweaking your resume.

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