Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Category: work

Sacred Stall

Known better by it’s scientific name: Stallus defecationious.

It’s your comfort zone. The one place you go to during the work day where you know you can get some quiet. Where you rush to when your morning coffee has tickled your bowels loose. It’s your favorite bathroom stall. Your pooping stall.

Pooping at work is the best. It always feels like you are putting one over on the place/people you work for. As if you just don’t care enough to hold it in and give yourself colon cancer. You don’t respect your workplace enough anymore to do them that favor.

But for some, it’s a shameful secret.

Don’t fret little ones, you are not alone. Join the millions of workplace poopers.

Resume Up-sell

While enduring the first “practicum” class, aka, the “you’re paying to work for free class” of the semester we all had to go around the room and introduce ourselves. People were saying where they were interning and other boring information I could give a flying footnote about, when this one young woman dropped a little gem on us all. I was only half listening so I can’t even remember where she was interning, but she said how the internship is a good fit because her, “background is in the retail book industry.”

And then my brain exploded. It looked a little something like this:

I think what she meant to say is: I used to work at Barnes and Noble.

I get it. We all want to make our job seem a little fancier. I used to tell people I worked for a Non-profit, because technically I did; just in the retail aspect. But saying “non-profit” makes me sound like a do-gooder and like I had a job with meaning.

I’ve also been known to upgrade my job title on resumes as well. I believe I turned “Key-holder” into “Assistant Manager”. Solid up-sell! I did all the work that the assistant managers did, why shouldn’t I have the same title?

I also had the habit of quitting jobs soon after I got them for other opportunities. I turned those jobs into “freelance” work. That’s what freelance is all about! Getting in and getting out!

All I’m saying is, if you’re going to lie about working at Barnes and Noble, you might as well really go for it and say that you worked in Publishing or Distribution. Retail book industry, girl please. Come to me the next time you need help tweaking your resume.

Let Me Count the Ways

That this day was painful.

1. Lack of sleep. For the life of me, I could not get to sleep last night. It was like my brain wouldn’t turn off and I just kept thinking about everything I need to get done, things that I wish would happen, etc. I tried counteracting it by counting. It doesn’t work.

2. It’s raining. By the time I got to work, my feet were soaked.

3. At work, there are a million things to get done. One of the girls that I work with has been out of the office since last Thursday. I’m only there part time. My boss came over and felt it necessary to point out, “These books sure are piling up. Better start sending them out before people start griping.” REALLY? I hadn’t noticed that there were over 70 books that needed to be input into the database and sent out to reviewers. I thought they were for show. You pointing it out, isn’t going to make it get done any faster, especially when people keep adding to the piles and keep giving me other projects that they need completed that second.

4. My lunch sucked. It was a sandwich the size of a playing card and carrots. I need my time back so I can cook meals with leftovers!

5. On my way to class, after work, I almost slipped out of my shoe because they were so wet. I ended up buying a plain black pair of flats.

6. I bought a plain black pair of flats at Urban Outfitters. I try not to spend money there, because they rejected me for a design job.

7. My Tuesday class…I don’t even know what to say about it. I’m not so sure it’s going to be useful.

8. The Q train stopped on the bridge for about 20 minutes.

9. It took almost an hour to get home.

10. I have homework due on Thursday that I only half understand and so far, only half completed.

11. I was supposed to read 70 pages for tomorrow’s class, but I still haven’t gotten that book in the mail yet.

12. I’m still waiting for that guy to email me back!

13. Well, we got to the point where we agreed to hang out again on Saturday. But he hasn’t emailed me back about a time or a place!

14. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

 

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