Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Tag: alcohol

Subway Platform Confessions

 

I think HBO needs to revamp their Taxicab Confessions show; they can have it take place on the subway platform late at night and just wait for drunk people to spill their guts. Hey HBO, do you have any openings in the development department? I’m available and chock full of ideas!

After my date and I parted ways in the subway on Friday evening (Saturday morning, I guess), I was waiting for the train, about to put my earbuds in, when a gentleman approached me. He was youngish–I later found out he was 24–drunk, and not dressed very well. I mean he was wearing ill fitting jeans, a black t-shirt with an open, long sleeved white, collared shirt, and ratty-ass boat shoes. There is nothing worse that ratty boat shoes with ill-fitting, light colored jeans. Do these guys not watch television or look in a mirror? He was white and tall. Very plain Jane.

He started talking to me about about his own failed trainmance (my words, not his! Although, lets make it happen people!). Apparently he had started talking to a girl while waiting for the train; my guess is that she was humoring him, much like I was doing; and when the train came, they got on separate cars. Never a good idea. Always get on the car they are getting on. That’s like Trainmance 101. In a last minute surge of boldness he decided to switch cars, but by the time he made it off one, the doors were closing on the other. He said something about how they put their hands up to the glass and looked at each other as the train pulled away. I threw up in my mouth a little bit. I told him it sounded a lot like the movie Sliding Doors. I’m not sure he understood what I was talking about.

We introduced ourselves, let’s say his name was Ace. I asked Ace if he was from Massachusetts because of his boat shoes. He had sort of a sloppy, WASP look to him. Turns out he is from Chicago. I hope Ace isn’t representative of the men in Chicago, just sayin’. Apparently he’s a special education teacher for Teach for America. It’s shocking to me how they will let anyone teach special education. I remember when I applied for the NYC Teaching Fellows four years ago they said that I would be qualified to teach kindergarten and special education. For some reason, I would want someone with more than a Bachelor’s in Fashion Design interacting with my special needs child every day. Maybe that’s just me. I certainly wouldn’t trust, boat shoes-sliding doors-drunk-Ace to teach my special needs kid. He could barely dress himself to go out on a Friday night! That does not bode well for his competence in the classroom.

He asked me if I had a boyfriend. He told me that I looked like the kind of girl that would have four boyfriends; to which I said “no”. Then he said three, then two, then one…I had to break it to him that sadly no, I wasn’t hoarding boyfriends. I kind of wonder what part of me gives off the vibe that I amass boyfriends like I do shoes. Maybe it’s my eyeliner. He asked me what train stop was mine and when I told him, he said, “no one’s getting murdered tonight”.  I’ll give Ace credit for that one, it made me laugh. Mainly because he sort of looked like he might have experience “forget-me-nowing” girls in bars.

We both got on the train and he sat next to me. Ace asked me if I was inviting him back to my place. I had to let him down gently. He said, “that’s too bad, you’ll never get to kiss these lips”. I replied, “You’ll never get to kiss mine and mine are way better”.  He said I was right and that it made him sad. That Ace was a real charmer. He got off at the stop before me and we said our goodbyes.

Oh Ace, if only you had looked like this

 

Oh, Jon Kortajarena, I have never wanted to be a straw so bad in. my. life.

 

then you could have come home with me.

What People are Searching for This Week

I think I’ve decided on a new weekly feature. If you couldn’t glean what it is from the title of this post, well, there’s just no hope for you as a functioning human being. Every Friday I am going to look at the search engine terms that are leading people to my blog according to the good folks at WordPress. I’ll probably link to some existing content that would explain how those search terms would help people end up on my little corner of the internet. I’m looking for ways to make sure that I keep posting and that there is interesting content being published. And nothing is more interesting to me than what people type into Ask Jeeves.

So for the first installment: 8.12.2011 thru 8.19.2011:

 

val kilmer 6
half ton teen 6
aj mclean 6
sam elliott roadhouse 4
cigarette holder 3
mandy sellars losing legs 2
schmitts gay 2
a. j. mclean 2
the movie lifeguard 2
people with crossed eyes 2
me and my giant leg 2
cartoon unicorns 2
woman with giant legs photos 2
librarian whole body picture 2
no whistling zone 2
friend heart 1
a.j mclean 1
fortune cookies on misery 1
“hate whistling” 1
sam elliott+road house 1
lisa frank unicorn 1
james alexander mclean 1
which days do people go grocery shopping in new york? 1
small black cocktail hats 1
half ton dad 1
roy marathon man 1
sam elliot+roadhouse 1
tombstone the movie val kilmer quotes 1
one leg only girls 1
snl schmitts gay 1
fatty thing 1
1 ton dad after 1
tour guide humor 1
hilariousandnegative 1
lifeguard movie 1

 

It’s nice to see that Val Kilmer, AJ McLean, and Half Ton Teen still have what it takes to be constantly looked up on the interwebs. But the main search term, well two really, that caught my eye, were: ‘one leg only girls’ and ‘librarian whole body picture’. I’m inclined to believe, because this is the internet after all, that the one and two people respectively, searching for these terms are fetishists. Maybe it’s because I know that the internet is the crawling with weirdos (hey every person I Yahoo! chatted with in 1998!) or maybe it’s because I’m weird and always like to take things to that next level of “what-if-ery”.

I mean, why else would someone be searching for ‘librarian whole body picture’? Obviously, they have a thing for librarians, that can’t be fulfilled at their local library. Well, I guess it could, but they run the risk of being arrested and put on a registered sex offenders list. ‘one leg only girls’ also begs the question of “why?”. To me, it would seem less weird if ‘girls’ was singular. Having it plural seems to indicate there is something going on. When I Googled the phrase, a lot of answer-type sites came up with questions like, “Why do girls wear anklets on only one leg?” Um, because wearing them on both is overkill. Haven’t you ever heard that you’re supposed to take off one accessory before you leave the house? No need to be tacky, folks! Another favorite was, “Why do girls/women always lift one leg up when they are kissing a guy?” According to the geniuses answering questions on Yahoo! Answers, it’s a subconscious act of flirtation. There you have it world. SCIENTIFIC FACT. Maybe ladies do this in case they need extra force behind kneeing someone in the groin. Or maybe it’s because we are silly girls who wear pink and want our lives to be like the Princess Diaries.

 

 

Ha! What a joke.

Well, that’s it for tonight ya’ll. I’m supposed to be getting ready for an OkCupid date that’s happening in a little while. Is it really a date if we are meeting for drinks in a bar? I don’t even feel like drinking. I am going to seem like a total square. I’m already over it. I can’t tell if it’s a good or bad thing to go in there with an “I could really give a shit” attitude. I think it’s starting to rain outside, that’s always a good sign right?

Stick around these here parts to hear how my date went and also hope that this coming week is full of wacky search terms leading people to Hilarious and Negative!

Piña coladas will be the death of me.

So it’s my bff’s last night in NYC. You may be wondering why I am blogging at this crucial moment: We’ve had too many piña coladas and we decided to come back to my apartment so she can drunk pack. We also want to watch The Outsiders, another crucial movie of our youth.

We actually got an early start to our day. Well, relatively early. We took the NYC Water Taxi from the Ikea in Brooklyn to Pier 11 in Manhattan. It’s a fun and cheap way to see the Statue of Liberty. And maybe get meatballs if you have the time to pop into Ikea. The ferry costs $5 if you don’t buy anything at Ikea (free during the weekend) but…we got to ride the ferry for free! Because we are so beautiful and charming! The captain (maybe? He seemed like he was in charge of things) chatted us up and told us we don’t need to wear makeup. That it doesn’t matter. He said, “The next date you go on, don’t wear any makeup. You don’t need it. If the guy has a problem with it, ask for a spatula and smack him in the face with it and leave. Everyone will clap”. First off, I don’t even wear that much makeup. You’ve all seen the pictures from the past few days. That’s the amount of makeup I wear on the regular. I wouldn’t exactly say I cake it on. Second, I’ve slept with guys that have seen me without makeup. I know it’s not a big deal. They don’t care. But let me say this: I’m not wearing it for them. I’m wearing it for myself. I like the way I look with it and it makes me feel polished. You know that feminism card I had to turn in on Monday? Well, guess the f what? I just got it back!

View of downtown from the Water Taxi.

After the water taxi ride, we got a hot dog from a cart. Cheap lunch people! Also, just a tip, all the sodium that is in the hot dog will save you from having to use the bathroom for at least five hours. We ended up walking around for quite a while. I took her to Canal Street–not one of my favorite places, but you know, you do these things for friends because you love them and know that they will enjoy it…even if you hate the very idea of being on Canal Street.

We ended up grabbing dinner with a good friend of mine…piña colada! Well, another good friend, but piña colada was there too. While we were nearing the end of our meal, there was a couple sitting diagonal from us. The man half of the couple was chowing down on some ribs and fries…all while his button down shirt was wide open and his hairless chest was displayed. I guess he thought he was chillin’ in his living room? I mean, who just goes out to dinner at a restaurant and gets comfortable enough to completely unbutton their shirt? He was really going to town on those ribs too. He might as well have been making love to them. Eventually the floor manager of the restaurant came over and told him that he couldn’t have his shirt open. The best part is, he didn’t even button up his shirt. He just closed it enough so that his chest and stomach wasn’t showing. Classy.

This is how I feel about guys who don’t button up their shirts in restaurants:

Oh, subway art! Speaking the words of my heart.
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