Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Tag: Art

You’re Doing Valentine’s Day Wrong

art by Jon Defreest via Vulture

While I was in Duane Reade picking up some toothpaste and other assorted sundries, I noticed the mad rush of men (and a few ladies) buying last minute Valentine’s Day gifts for their wife, girlfriend, side piece, boyfriend, or some combination of the four.

Seriously? You think your significant other is going to be impressed with the shitty teddy bear and box of Whitman’s chocolates (you cheap bastard, at least spring for some decent chocolates) you bought last minute at the drugstore? Do you really think that’s going to get you laid? News flash: It’s not.

My guess is, if your partner is the kind of person that gets really jazzed about Valentine’s Day and is expecting a gift, he or she is going to notice that you put exactly zero effort in to your gift choices. I’m also assuming that you’re the type of person that would leave the price tag on that tacky bear, showing just how much you “value” your loved one.

When it comes to gift giving, the recipient usually knows when you put some thought into it and when you didn’t. In the words of Deena from the Jersey Shore, “this isn’t rocket scientist.

Now, the only Valentine wishes I get are from friends, but I’ve seen my fair share of romantic comedies and know how healthy relationships work. Your drugstore finds at a 3pm on the day of the special occasion are not cutting it.

I’m not saying gifts have to be expensive or that you should even buy a gift for someone. Sometimes all the person wants, is to know that you love them and value them as a person.

These don’t have to be grand romantic gestures. Maybe if your significant other always needs coffee at a certain time of the day and you’re nearby, you can show up with coffee and a nice note. Maybe you never cook or pay for the meal when you go out; now is your chance! Homemade gifts are always nice. I don’t care if they come out shitty, taking time out to sit down and create something shows someone that they are worth your time. Also, craft supplies ain’t cheap, y’all. Get creative! If your significant other has been waiting forever for their turn to read a book at the library, go and buy it for them. They’ll know that you’ve been paying attention to them every time they’ve complained about the book being checked out.

Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day is pretty stupid, but no one wants to look like a giant asshole. Which is what you are going to look like if you show up with a sampler pack of chocolates and carnations that you bought at a gas station/bodega on your way home.

Hopefully this post reaches people before they get a box of Whitman’s chucked at their face.

Whitman’s? Really? You’re just asking for it.

Another Installment

Sometimes when I’m feeling a little down or just bored, I look at male catalog models and make up chick-literature like stories about them. It’s a fun way to pass the time. And it never gets old. Seriously, read them more than once, they get more ridiculous with each reading.

Some back story: This is Jason (editor’s note: at least that’s what I’ve been calling him) and he comes from the Eddie Bauer catalog. Jason likes hiking and being out in nature. He teaches horticulture classes at one of the universities where he lives. He loves playing Words with Friends, he can’t get enough of it. He especially loves trying to beat his girlfriend at it…but he never does. Sometimes he cheats and she knows, but she lets him get away with it, because he’s so handsome and always makes her blueberry pancakes on the Saturday mornings when they’re together. They’ve been going out for a little while and he’s been looking for the right time to tell her something…and what better time than when you’re on a hike?

“Jason, just because I said I liked hiking doesn’t mean that I like hiking.” M. sighed heavily as she took off her backpack.

Jason looked at her with a small smile on his face, “So what does it mean, M?”

“It means that I like the idea of hiking. There’s a serious difference.” M sat on nearby rock and took a sip of her water.

“I just thought it would be a nice way for us to spend the day together.”

“Ugh, you are making it impossible for me to be hating this right now. It’s just that, you know how I feel about going to the bathroom outdoors.”

Jason laughed, “I know, I know! It’s actually kind of endearing, you not wanting to pee in the wilderness.”

“Oh shut up! It’s easy for you! I have to make sure I don’t pee on myself! That’s not cool at all!” M tossed her water bottle at him and he laughed as he caught it.

“You’re so weird.”

“I know.” She looked at him smiling.

“That’s why I love you.” Jason sat next to her on rock.

“Wait, what did you just say?” M turned to look at him, not sure if he had actually said those words to her.

“I said I love you.”

“That’s what I thought you said.” Jason touched the side of her face and sighed.

“You’re so beautiful. I just want to tell you that every day.”

M let out a small laugh, “I won’t stop you.”

“Nice. This is why I keep you around.” Jason put his arm around M’s and she rested her head on his shoulder, nestling herself into the groove of his neck.

“I love you too.”

Jason looked down at her, “Really?”

M looked up and laughed, “Ha! Why are you so surprised? I was just waiting for you to say it first.”

Jason rolled his eyes, “You would! You’re so difficult.”

“Whatever, you love me.” M. smiled.

“I know.” Jason pulled M.’s face up to his and kissed her.

“See, that’s why I keep you around.” M grabbed Jason’s hand as they sat on that rock, watching the leaves glisten in the sunlight.

Good things come to those who wait

Remember this blog post from a couple of days ago? The one where I posted images of really terrible, no good, very bad artwork that I created while I was in college. Remember the drawing of the lady holding the spear? If not, let me refresh your memory:

 

African Safari

 

Remember how I also told you that I photoshopped the dickens out of it? But that I couldn’t find the flash drive that I had stored the image on, thus thinking it was lost forever? Well, packing and cleaning up my apartment to get ready for my move is really paying off. I cracked open my old MacBook and was trudging through the various folders I have when I found all my old photoshop master pieces from the days of yore.

So now, I present to you, probably the greatest thing I ever drew and then fucked up with photoshop:

 

Yes and YES.

 

Apparently I was turning this into some sort of advertisement for a made up travel excursion. I’m not sure many people would want to go on a safari where their chances of having their feet bitten off at the ankles is 100%. The lions have also managed to stay very calm considering that a pudgy, middle-aged woman is sitting on them, holding a bloody spear.

I’m so talented that I scare myself sometimes. Looking at this, it’s shocking to me that my career in graphic design never took off. I mean, this is pretty amazing.

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