The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Tag: business

Business Venture

So I’ve decided on a new business venture. And I’m hoping that some of you will help me get the word out. So here’s the plan: I am going to offer critiques of guys OkCupid profiles for a low cost of $10 and a rewrite for $35. Fuck it, for $10 bucks I will prescreen the message you are about to send to the girl of your dreams for anything weird/disgusting/offensive that would potentially turn her off.

I’ve spent a lot of time on OkCupid, read a lot of profiles–mostly bad–and been on my fair share of OkCupid dates. Also mostly bad. I know my way around a profile. I think it’s time that I spread my knowledge around and help those that are struggling at attracting the kind of people they want to. We all know that I’m good at breaking down a profile, it’s time to put those skills to use and not just for my own personal entertainment. There are just so many poorly written OkCupid profiles out there. It’s shocking and gross. Also, disturbing and funny. Now, the point is not to make you a completely different person online than you are IRL (in real life, in case you are reading this before the year 2010). I just want you to help you have a coherent profile that doesn’t immediately turn people off. The internet dating profile is essentially the Elevator Pitch of dating. You basically either hook within the first few sentences or they click on “NakedLunch1981” who happens to be “more adventurous” than you. I can help you with this. I can help make your profile vomit proof. You won’t regret it.

Contact me at m.lizabeth.currain@gmail.com if you’re interested or if you have a stubborn friend whose profile is in desperate need of help.

Resume Up-sell

While enduring the first “practicum” class, aka, the “you’re paying to work for free class” of the semester we all had to go around the room and introduce ourselves. People were saying where they were interning and other boring information I could give a flying footnote about, when this one young woman dropped a little gem on us all. I was only half listening so I can’t even remember where she was interning, but she said how the internship is a good fit because her, “background is in the retail book industry.”

And then my brain exploded. It looked a little something like this:

I think what she meant to say is: I used to work at Barnes and Noble.

I get it. We all want to make our job seem a little fancier. I used to tell people I worked for a Non-profit, because technically I did; just in the retail aspect. But saying “non-profit” makes me sound like a do-gooder and like I had a job with meaning.

I’ve also been known to upgrade my job title on resumes as well. I believe I turned “Key-holder” into “Assistant Manager”. Solid up-sell! I did all the work that the assistant managers did, why shouldn’t I have the same title?

I also had the habit of quitting jobs soon after I got them for other opportunities. I turned those jobs into “freelance” work. That’s what freelance is all about! Getting in and getting out!

All I’m saying is, if you’re going to lie about working at Barnes and Noble, you might as well really go for it and say that you worked in Publishing or Distribution. Retail book industry, girl please. Come to me the next time you need help tweaking your resume.

It took them long enough.

You know what I love most about working? The day when someone finally comes and asks me if I’m okay because they’ve noticed my “poor attitude”. It is my absolute favorite.

Today was that day. It only took 4 and a half months! That might be a new record. Apparently myself and one of the other ladies that I work with are a cause for concern among our superiors. Something about how we’re unresponsive and we should smile more. What is it with the smiling?! Also, what are we supposed to be responding to? We sit in a room entering stuff into a database all day and whenever one of them comes in, they don’t say ‘hi’ to us. Or am I supposed to be responding to the countless emails that I am cc’d on that have absolutely nothing to do with me or my job?

Frankly, I get the work done. Whether I get it done with a smile on my face or not, shouldn’t really matter. Honestly, this is my face and my general disposition. I’m not going to do jazz hands every time I have to send something out UPS or enter something into the database. And why should I? It’s not like it’s super exciting. It’s not even that bad of a job, it’s just that this is how I am. I’m naturally unenthusiastic about menial, repetitive work.

Sometimes I wish I could carry around a list of references of past employers or professors that have confronted me on my attitude, but then finally figure out that this is just who I am and doesn’t it doesn’t affect my work. Generally it all boils down to the whole smiling thing. During one work review at my last full-time job (retail! Ugh!) my boss (who hated me…mainly because I had a vagina) told me that I could easily be a manager, that my customer service was great, that I get all the work done, and do more than most of the people in the store, but…that my attitude sucked. What?! How does any of that even make any sense. Basically he wanted me to come to work every day with Lisa Frank rainbows shooting out of my ass. Not going to happen. I do the work, it gets done! In fact, I do other peoples work too! Maybe that’s why I’m not fucking smiling all the time.

While I was in college I was having a meeting with a professor of mine and she asked, “In my class, are you bored or is that just your face?” So said, “Well, sometimes when other students are talking, I’m bored, but for the most part, it’s just my face.” It’s true! It’s just my face. I can’t help it if I look disinterested 95% of the time. I’m thinking about a lot of stuff…mainly how uninteresting everyone is.

In high school my English teacher brought me outside of the class one day to talk to me about my attitude. She even got a little teary-eyed. I did actually feel bad about that. She was nice and was trying. It wasn’t her fault that she had to dumb down the curriculum because the class was full of morons. She said that I always had a snide remark or rolled my eyes every time she gave an assignment out. I used the age old, “I’m just not being challenged enough” to get her off my back. It worked and in the end I think she ended up feeling sorry for me that she couldn’t provide a higher level of assignments for the class. In hindsight, I was pretty much a bitch and do kind of regret making her feel that way about her teaching.

What I am trying to say is…this is just who I am! Why can’t society accept that some people are just not always sunshine and rainbows? Just because I’m not smiling like a idiot all day, doesn’t mean that I’m not content or getting my work done.

Maybe I’ll try a different plan of action. Instead of working hard and not smiling…I’ll smile all the god damn time and work very little. How does that sound to everyone?

I’ll let you know if I get fired.

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