Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Tag: Love

Business Venture

So I’ve decided on a new business venture. And I’m hoping that some of you will help me get the word out. So here’s the plan: I am going to offer critiques of guys OkCupid profiles for a low cost of $10 and a rewrite for $35. Fuck it, for $10 bucks I will prescreen the message you are about to send to the girl of your dreams for anything weird/disgusting/offensive that would potentially turn her off.

I’ve spent a lot of time on OkCupid, read a lot of profiles–mostly bad–and been on my fair share of OkCupid dates. Also mostly bad. I know my way around a profile. I think it’s time that I spread my knowledge around and help those that are struggling at attracting the kind of people they want to. We all know that I’m good at breaking down a profile, it’s time to put those skills to use and not just for my own personal entertainment. There are just so many poorly written OkCupid profiles out there. It’s shocking and gross. Also, disturbing and funny. Now, the point is not to make you a completely different person online than you are IRL (in real life, in case you are reading this before the year 2010). I just want you to help you have a coherent profile that doesn’t immediately turn people off. The internet dating profile is essentially the Elevator Pitch of dating. You basically either hook within the first few sentences or they click on “NakedLunch1981” who happens to be “more adventurous” than you. I can help you with this. I can help make your profile vomit proof. You won’t regret it.

Contact me at m.lizabeth.currain@gmail.com if you’re interested or if you have a stubborn friend whose profile is in desperate need of help.

Things I Would Like to Happen

 

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I’d like to be with a guy and have people say things like, “Why is she with him? He must be really rich.”

And I’d like for it to be true. I have a lot of student loan debt that needs paying off.

Self Destruct

Oh man. I’m really feeling out of sorts. So what do I do when this kind of thing happens? I go on a self destructive OkCupid messaging spree. Remember this guy? Well, I messaged him. Because he kept looking at my goddamn profile! Like stop looking at it, or just fucking message me you dipshit. And since I had nothing better to do at 11pm, I present you with the following.

You hear that ladies and gents? More interesting claptrap to come tomorrow. He better not disappoint. He does seem to be responsive to that the whole “negging” strategy that is just so dumb that it works.

If he were to ask me out, I would totally go on one of this stupid dates to a dance party at a loft, just so I could blog about it. And then kill myself.

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