Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Tag: models

This Week in Searches

Well, it’s Friday again! Time to bring to you up to speed on what has been bringing people to my corner of the internet. But since I’m trying to get people to my blog, I might as well write a little bit about Irene.

 

Dun, dun, dunnnnnn

 

Currently, I’m busy ignoring all of my Mom’s texts about preparing for Hurricane Irene and it’s impending slaughter of New York City. I’m not in an evacuation zone or any zone at all according to this handy map! I have three big bottles of water and maybe tomorrow before the rain starts pouring down I will buy some beer and hunker down with a good book. I’ve tried sending text messages to boys I like who happen to be in evacuations zones in the hopes of luring them into my apartment for adult fun. I’m just trying to do my part as a concerned citizen! So far my texts are not working. Obviously I am doing something wrong. Anyone out there have any pointers? If all goes according to plan (it’s not a very good plan) I will have stories to relay after the weekend when all this nonsense has died down!

 

Or I may just have lots of leftover Hurricane Chow.

 

Now! On to the good stuff:

2011-08-19 to Today

Search Views
val kilmer 6
mandy sellars gay 5
i hate whistling 4
woman with the giant legs 4
aj mclean 4
a.j. mclean 3
anchorage strip clubs 2
half ton teen 2
schmitts gay beer 2
just for laughs negative 2
the woman with giant legs 2
one legged girl 2
worst resume ever 2
mans mermaid 2
half tonne dad 2
schmitts gay 2
“mandy sellers” 2
hilarious pet peeves 2
tiffany vase 2
a.j mclean 1
first time strip club 1
sam elliott road house 1
hard to kill (foto 1
jean claude van damme dancing 1
hilarious and negative 1
sam elliott lifeguard 1
blog okcupid date cancelled mandy 1
what i’ve become 1
just for laughs 2000 1
jon kortajarena boyfriend 1
empire state building my experience 1
okcupid boston date 1
alexander james mclean 1
aj mclean glass 1
half ton man tlc 1
mandy sellars after amputation tlc 1
cray cray 1
tlc girl with giant legs 1
pregnant mermaid 1
is mandy sellers gay 1
finding humour in the everydya 1
madonna cigarrete 1
find humor in school work 1
sam elliott roadhouse 1
fake mermaid tails 1
mermaid oprah 1
chris farley schmitts 1
hilarous pet peeves 1
mandy sellars amputation 2010 1
schmitts gay snl 1

 

Mandy Sellers is the clear winner this week in bringing people over to Hilarious and Negative. What a gal! Fairly recently, Mandy had one of her legs amputated as it was causing her major health issues. There’s a new documentary about it called, Losing One of my Giant Legs. Whoever came up with that title really went for it. Here’s the trailer for the special…I’m sure it be landing on TLC on a Sunday Night very, very soon.

 

Let us all keep a good thought for this delightful lady who could also be Stephen Merchant’s double.

Also, two people were searching for Alaska strip clubs. I hope that my blog post about the Great Alaska Bush Company didn’t dissuade them from going. I mean,  I’m not really in any position to be saying which strip clubs are worth patronizing.  Although, I will say that my description of the place was accurate and if they did end up going, they probably didn’t end up pleasantly surprised.

My two favorite searches are “blog okcupid date cancelled mandy” and “okcupid boston date”. The two people that searched for these respective terms obviously went on OkCupid dates and were curious to see whether or not the other person had blogged about them. This is kind of sad…never Google to see if your date has blogged about you. You might not like what they have to say. They either knew the date went south and wanted to see what the other person had to say or they thought the date went really well and wanted to see themselves getting talked up on the internet. That rarely happens! No one ever blogs about a date going really well! What fun is that to read about? Obviously people do not know how the internet works. The internet is full of shit-talkers. We talk shit to feel better about ourselves. This is how the world works!

And to the person searching for “jon kortajarena boyfriend” — do you know something I don’t know? Also, HOW DARE YOU!? That is my future husband you are talking about.

 

Um. I sort of had to. Too bad he doesn’t need a place to weather the storm…I’ve got room…in my vagina!

 

All you people in Hurricane Irene’s path, stay safe this weekend!

Subway Platform Confessions

 

I think HBO needs to revamp their Taxicab Confessions show; they can have it take place on the subway platform late at night and just wait for drunk people to spill their guts. Hey HBO, do you have any openings in the development department? I’m available and chock full of ideas!

After my date and I parted ways in the subway on Friday evening (Saturday morning, I guess), I was waiting for the train, about to put my earbuds in, when a gentleman approached me. He was youngish–I later found out he was 24–drunk, and not dressed very well. I mean he was wearing ill fitting jeans, a black t-shirt with an open, long sleeved white, collared shirt, and ratty-ass boat shoes. There is nothing worse that ratty boat shoes with ill-fitting, light colored jeans. Do these guys not watch television or look in a mirror? He was white and tall. Very plain Jane.

He started talking to me about about his own failed trainmance (my words, not his! Although, lets make it happen people!). Apparently he had started talking to a girl while waiting for the train; my guess is that she was humoring him, much like I was doing; and when the train came, they got on separate cars. Never a good idea. Always get on the car they are getting on. That’s like Trainmance 101. In a last minute surge of boldness he decided to switch cars, but by the time he made it off one, the doors were closing on the other. He said something about how they put their hands up to the glass and looked at each other as the train pulled away. I threw up in my mouth a little bit. I told him it sounded a lot like the movie Sliding Doors. I’m not sure he understood what I was talking about.

We introduced ourselves, let’s say his name was Ace. I asked Ace if he was from Massachusetts because of his boat shoes. He had sort of a sloppy, WASP look to him. Turns out he is from Chicago. I hope Ace isn’t representative of the men in Chicago, just sayin’. Apparently he’s a special education teacher for Teach for America. It’s shocking to me how they will let anyone teach special education. I remember when I applied for the NYC Teaching Fellows four years ago they said that I would be qualified to teach kindergarten and special education. For some reason, I would want someone with more than a Bachelor’s in Fashion Design interacting with my special needs child every day. Maybe that’s just me. I certainly wouldn’t trust, boat shoes-sliding doors-drunk-Ace to teach my special needs kid. He could barely dress himself to go out on a Friday night! That does not bode well for his competence in the classroom.

He asked me if I had a boyfriend. He told me that I looked like the kind of girl that would have four boyfriends; to which I said “no”. Then he said three, then two, then one…I had to break it to him that sadly no, I wasn’t hoarding boyfriends. I kind of wonder what part of me gives off the vibe that I amass boyfriends like I do shoes. Maybe it’s my eyeliner. He asked me what train stop was mine and when I told him, he said, “no one’s getting murdered tonight”.  I’ll give Ace credit for that one, it made me laugh. Mainly because he sort of looked like he might have experience “forget-me-nowing” girls in bars.

We both got on the train and he sat next to me. Ace asked me if I was inviting him back to my place. I had to let him down gently. He said, “that’s too bad, you’ll never get to kiss these lips”. I replied, “You’ll never get to kiss mine and mine are way better”.  He said I was right and that it made him sad. That Ace was a real charmer. He got off at the stop before me and we said our goodbyes.

Oh Ace, if only you had looked like this

 

Oh, Jon Kortajarena, I have never wanted to be a straw so bad in. my. life.

 

then you could have come home with me.

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