Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Tag: Movies

The Jacket My Date Wore

In dishonor of New York Fashion Week (Feb 9th-16th) I am going to be sharing some fashion related thoughts with all of you throughout the week. As a note, I have a degree in Fashion Design and spent some time working for various fashion companies. It was the worst. I continue to have opinions about fashion, the main one being: Seriously, what the fuck are you wearing? So for the next week don your best headband and enjoy the ride.

So on Saturday I went on a date. He was from the land of OkCupid and I used Whitney Houston’s death as a way to end the date early. What does this have to do with fashion? you may be asking yourselves right about now. Let’s just file this under “things that guys shouldn’t wear on a first date or ever, even if their life depended on it.” This the coat my date wore:

:shudder: I’ll give you all a few moments to process this. I know what you’re thinking, “what does his jacket have to do with what kind of person he is?” And to you, I say this: A lot.

We are in a time where it is perfectly acceptable for a man to know how to dress himself properly. There are magazines, websites, television shows, movies, and countless other forms of media that a dude can get sartorial inspiration from. Do you know that this jacket says to me? Do you know what kind of inspiration I think you had when you picked this out?

via

You remind me of a neo-Nazi. You remind me of all the people that weren’t Edward Norton in American History X or Ryan Gosling in The Believer. Because for you, I cannot separate your hideous jacket from somewhat “eh” personality. If his jacket or other parts of his outfit had been better, it might have detracted a little bit from the fact that he was asking me idiotic questions about Alaska (where I grew up) like, “I just saw The Grey. Are wolves like a thing there?” He also kept looking up things on Google on his phone. You’re on a date. Set it aside for a second.

I am not even kidding you when I tell you that I turned the corner and saw a guy in that jacket and immediately thought to myself, “I really hope that’s not him.” And it was. All night I just kept looking at that jacket, crumpled up next to him, wishing I had the ability to set things on fire with my eyes. It was puffy and ill-fitting. There are times and places for jackets like that. I am willing to say that hunting is probably the only place that a jacket like that would be acceptable. Not on a first date in Williamsburg the hippest part of Brooklyn./insert eyeroll. And frankly, since the earth is dying from all the punishment we are putting it through, it wasn’t even that cold out on Saturday. He would have been okay in a nice wool sweater and a scarf.

But it’s winter, he’s just trying to stay warm, you say? Well, I’ve got some advice for all of you guys out there in need of a date/LIFE appropriate winter jacket: It’s called a peacoat. Nothing fancy. You don’t even have to have any fashion sense and you can still look good in a well-fitted peacoat. As Mindy Kaling wrote in her book, “guys need to do almost nothing to be great.” Her words are truest when applied to fashion.

This is the kind of coat you wear on a first date.

Do you think that Ryan Gosling wore that green monstrosity on his first date with Eva Mendes? I don’t think so. If he had, I don’t think they’d be dating. I mean, Ryan Gosling is hot, but that coat green coat is fucking terrible.

Peacoats not your thing? Try a slightly fitted, wool coat, with minimal embellishments. Make sure that the shoulder seams are hitting at your shoulders. I can’t tell you how many people I see with coats a least a size too big for them. This coat below is a nice alternative.

via llbean

So a few things that hopefully you will be taking with you the next time you go coat shopping:

  • Wool is always good. It looks expensive, doesn’t have to be.
  • Peacoats! If they are good enough for Ryan Gosling, they are good enough for you.
  • Slightly fitted coats with a zipper are a nice alternative for the man who thinks peacoats aren’t for him.
  • Make sure the shoulder seam is hitting you at your shoulder. Not below, not above, but at.
  • Navy, black, gray, and brown. You can’t go wrong with these colors. They are fool proof.
  • Stay away from shiny fabric!
  • Take someone with you to buy a coat if you feel like you are completely hopeless.

This shouldn’t really be that hard. You’re an adult. Start dressing like one.

The Best or Worst News of the Day

Depending on which side of the sexuality spectrum you fall on, the following piece of news will either be the best or worst thing you’ll hear on Valentine’s Day.

via Buzzfeed

America’s and arguably the world’s most handsome television actor, Matt Bomer, is gay. Straight ladies, I’ll give you a moment to get some tissues to dry your eyes with. Gay men, you can just settle down, we don’t need you rubbing this one in our faces. I’m having a lame enough week as it is!

On Saturday when Bomer was accepting a Steve Chase Humanitarian Award for the Desert AIDs Project he thanked Simon and his three children from the stage.

Obviously he wasn’t that in the closet considering he has three kids with his partner Simon. This is just one less celebrity that I stand a chance with you guys. I mean, I’m becoming more practical in my old age when it comes to celebrity crushes; I barely have the energy to get emotionally involved if i know they are dating someone or married. But gay? Pining after a gay guy just makes me look delusional! And that’s no good.

I’m this close to pulling a “Just One of the Guys.” Well, if he breaks up with his man. I don’t want to be a beef thief.

So, gay men, you win this round! But we still have Ryan Gosling. And you are sorely mistaken if you think I’m going to let that happen. You will have to pry him from my cold, dead, hands.

Running Wild

Yesterday I ran my first 5K in the Valentine’s 5K run in Prospect Park. It was pretty awesome. I finished with a time of 32:34 and even got a flower for being one of top 150 females finishers. This race is the first of many leading up to a Triathlon sprint in July.

I was pretty nervous the morning of the race. I just didn’t want to finish last. I’ve finished last before, way back in elementary school in a track event. Oh man, was that the worst. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but you know you’ve reached a low point when your mom is running along side of you so you’ll finish. I had to prove to my nine or ten-year-old self that I could indeed finish this race without embarrassing myself. And I did!

So when I picked up my bib for the race, I was looking around the room at all the runners. Some of these people, to me, seemed like they might be taking this whole 5K thing a little too seriously…making me think I was screwed. Then I spotted my savior. A slightly goofy looking dude with high-water track pants and mutton chops. He was walking in circles and then he sort of stumbled over his feet. I know how awful this sounds, but at that moment my confidence surged. I no longer had any fear that I was going to come in last place, because I knew I could at least beat this guy. To make myself sound like a less horrible person: I admire anyone who has the balls/boobs? to sign up and show up for a race. It’s kind of scary and the only thing that matters is that you finish. It doesn’t matter how you finish or when you finish, just that you finish. But lets be honest, it’s always nice when someone is worse than you at something. It gives you that small bit of self-assurance you need, to say, “I can fucking do this.”

There were all types of people there running: young, old, fat, thin, kids, couples, lonely old hags (me!). I put on my Blood Bros: First Blood mix and I was ready to fucking go.  Did I mention it was freezing outside? I think I ran a little faster than normal just so I wouldn’t have to be outside for longer than I had to.

There’s a pretty big hill in Prospect Park that sucks to run up. I ran up it. I’m not gonna lie, I walked for like 30 seconds when I got to the top of it, but so were other people! Which was awesome because it makes you realize that other people suck at running up hills too.

As I was in the final stretch, this part of the megamix came on:

At that moment I could see the finish line and I was like, “I AM THE BEST AROUND! NO IS EVER GOING TO KEEP ME DOWN!” I started running a little faster thinking of the Karate Kid and how he was an underdog and if he could beat that asshole, I could finish this race strong.

Then the last couple of meters of the race, right as I’m about to cross the finish line, this song comes on:

How awesome is that?! I think everyone knows how I feel about Stallone and the Rocky franchise. I was even wearing a Rocky t-shirt!

And you know what? I did fly. I flew across that fucking finish line like a champ.

And then I doubled over from the pain in my side and burning in my lungs.

On to the next race!

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