I present to you my thoughts on Week Nine of The Biggest Loser in Haiku* form.
Temptations at home
Buddy buys a chili dog
Doesn’t eat it, so dumb.
Huey out with friends
They all order beer, what jerks
who’s the hot guy?
Cassandra freaks out
over cookie dough of course
calm down you psycho
Awful sounds abound
Fuck, Chism has a jam band
Lord, make it stop please
Chism goes home, tears
Yikes that outfit is terrible
Skinny jeans, not good.
And there you have it, another week closer to this bullshit finally being over! I’m so sick of these people! It’s been 9 weeks where all they do is work out and eat what people tell them and like 90% of them are still WAY fat. I don’t get it! Also, this weeks weigh in was some sort of dramatic acting showcase! The speech, the tears, the “no send me home instead. Fine! Then get two tickets because I’m going with him!” It’s like these people are vying for an Oscar. Lord. I cannot wait until I never have to see these people again. And if Chism’s band becomes famous, I will DIE.
*I checked and triple checked those damn syllables. So don’t even try and tell me these are not Haikus!; because they are now!
You all are going to hate me after this post. It’s okay, I already hate myself.
When I got home from work today, I decided against doing laundry and instead decided to catch up on the Jersey Shore episode I missed last night. Go ahead and judge me, but I never thought I would love that show as much as I do. I even like Ron and Sam this season…mainly because they are hardly ever on camera. And we can all just go ahead and agree that “The Situation” is the worst person on that show. What’s with the way he walks? It’s like he is walking around while pinching a penny with his ass. I don’t get it. Also Vinny and Pauly D are amazing. The three of us need to hang out. The best part about that is, they will still be able to use the acronym ‘MVP’, because I’m the ‘M’! IT’S MY DESTINY.
But this isn’t why I’m here this evening. When I was on MTV’s website, they have a little section on the side for “Hot Videos”. Since I’m an old lady and don’t know anything about what kids who only have access to MTV are listening to, I took a gander. At the very bottom was a link to the video “Vans On” by some Vanilla Ice looking idiot. My initial feeling on just the title of the song was, “Christ, another fucking song about Vans?” Turns out I was correct! Apparently he likes to, “fuck ’em with his Vans on.” OH GOD THIS SONG AND VIDEO IS SO TERRIBLE.
First of all, I don’t think dropping every dated pop culture reference you can think of into your ‘rap’ (I’m using the term loosely) makes you a) relevant or b) interesting. Major Payne? David Blaine? Fresh Prince? You were barely functioning during the 90s T. Mills, so shut up about it!
Second of all, what is up with his look? Neck tattoos, check. Gauged ears, check. Awful hair, check. Baggy skinny jeans, check. This kid is basically a walking nightmare. I say if you’re going to have a neck tattoo, you might want to reign in some of the awful parts about your appearance. I don’t want to offend people who have invested in neck tattoos, so just know that I go on a case by case basis for judging people and I’ve judged this putz to beawful.
Of course I couldn’t stop myself from going further down the rabbit hole. His twitter, not surprisingly is terrible. I think he was trying to get a trend going with #replacefilmtitleswithvagina. And of course girls were tweeting their versions at him. Ladies! Stop! He is not worth tweeting at! Have you heard his music? Have you seen his grammar? Stop wasting your precious time and go study something! Oddly enough, the picture he uses as a background on his twitter page isn’t unlike what my head did when I saw this next video.
No, you heard correctly. He did say, “You so scandalous but damn that pussy glamorous.”
I am getting so much use out of this gif.
The kid is 22! How much could he possibly know about vaginas? And how does a vagina become ‘glamorous’? How is this achieved? Does it get a blowout? Does it wear Gucci shades and carry an Hermes bag? Is the vajazzling done exclusively at Bvlgari? Does it only go to the most exclusive parties? I DON’T UNDERSTAND PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.
He must be stopped. We can’t allow him to become some anti-Bieber convincing young girls to glamorize their vaginas. Not on my watch.
Yesterday I ran my first 5K in the Valentine’s 5K run in Prospect Park. It was pretty awesome. I finished with a time of 32:34 and even got a flower for being one of top 150 females finishers. This race is the first of many leading up to a Triathlon sprint in July.
I was pretty nervous the morning of the race. I just didn’t want to finish last. I’ve finished last before, way back in elementary school in a track event. Oh man, was that the worst. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but you know you’ve reached a low point when your mom is running along side of you so you’ll finish. I had to prove to my nine or ten-year-old self that I could indeed finish this race without embarrassing myself. And I did!
So when I picked up my bib for the race, I was looking around the room at all the runners. Some of these people, to me, seemed like they might be taking this whole 5K thing a little too seriously…making me think I was screwed. Then I spotted my savior. A slightly goofy looking dude with high-water track pants and mutton chops. He was walking in circles and then he sort of stumbled over his feet. I know how awful this sounds, but at that moment my confidence surged. I no longer had any fear that I was going to come in last place, because I knew I could at least beat this guy. To make myself sound like a less horrible person: I admire anyone who has the balls/boobs? to sign up and show up for a race. It’s kind of scary and the only thing that matters is that you finish. It doesn’t matter how you finish or when you finish, just that you finish. But lets be honest, it’s always nice when someone is worse than you at something. It gives you that small bit of self-assurance you need, to say, “I can fucking do this.”
There were all types of people there running: young, old, fat, thin, kids, couples, lonely old hags (me!). I put on my Blood Bros: First Blood mix and I was ready to fucking go. Did I mention it was freezing outside? I think I ran a little faster than normal just so I wouldn’t have to be outside for longer than I had to.
There’s a pretty big hill in Prospect Park that sucks to run up. I ran up it. I’m not gonna lie, I walked for like 30 seconds when I got to the top of it, but so were other people! Which was awesome because it makes you realize that other people suck at running up hills too.
As I was in the final stretch, this part of the megamix came on:
At that moment I could see the finish line and I was like, “I AM THE BEST AROUND! NO IS EVER GOING TO KEEP ME DOWN!” I started running a little faster thinking of the Karate Kid and how he was an underdog and if he could beat that asshole, I could finish this race strong.
Then the last couple of meters of the race, right as I’m about to cross the finish line, this song comes on:
How awesome is that?! I think everyone knows how I feel about Stallone and the Rocky franchise. I was even wearing a Rocky t-shirt!
And you know what? I did fly. I flew across that fucking finish line like a champ.
And then I doubled over from the pain in my side and burning in my lungs.