Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Tag: New York

The Comeback No One Wants

I’m talking about DAD JEANSAccording to the New York Times, an ever reputable source of trends that we didn’t know where a thing: basically anything that happens in Williamsburg or Bushwick, is letting everyone know that dad jeans are back in action.

“…for those willing to push the envelope, dad jeans are one way to stand out at a Bushwick loft party. Besides, roomier washed jeans provide a flourish of ’90s retro, which is making a comeback for Generation Y in the form of Doc Martens, flannel shirts and wallet chains. Some fashion-forward types even go so far as to add pin rolls at the cuffs, Mr. Thoreson said.”

I ask you all to stop right there and let that digest. DAD JEANS ARE A WAY TO STAND OUT. AT A BUSHWICK LOFT PARTY. You will definitely not be mocked or asked to leave if you show up wearing something you once (and probably still) make fun of your own father for wearing. Definitely not.

The New York Times needs to stop trying to make dad jeans happen. Here are a few examples why:

and

For tips on what kind of jeans are acceptable on this place we call Planet Earth, I direct your attention here.

This Is What $75K Looks Like

In case any of you were ever wondering what $75,000 (plus interest!) looks like or what it buys you, let me enlighten you.

Image

Now, I don’t want to sound entitled, but I think  for $75k they should have at least included a frame. So not only did I spend almost a $100 grand on a piece of paper that looks like it was made by students in the Graphic Design program, I now have to spend an extra $20 for a frame?  Seriously, look at this piece of shit. I am pretty sure that is a sticker at the top under the name of the school I went to. A STICKER. And what font is that even? Times New Roman? I’m surprised they didn’t print it in Wing Dings.

And let’s not even get into the fact that Forbes named Library Science THE WORST MASTER’S DEGREE TO GET. And Pratt couldn’t even make up for that fact by printing it on a piece of paper larger than your standard 8.5″ by 11″.

And just for fun, I dug up my Diploma from undergrad and did a little comparison.

Look at how much bigger that thing is! And look at the delicate scribbles around the name of the university, which may I point out is IN LATIN. In fact, the whole god damn thing is in Latin, except for my fucking name. And for four years, it was roughly the same price when you factor in scholarships and various other things I did to get my tuition down (blow jobs, hand jobs, etc.). And! All that stuff was embossed! EMBOSSED. They had better sense than to use a fucking sticker.

So let me break this down for you in case you still aren’t getting it. $75,000 will get you an 8.5″ by 11″, MS Paint, Lisa Frank sticker wearing, Wing Ding, unframed piece OF BULLSHIT THAT WON’T GET YOU A JOB THAT WILL ALLOW YOU TO PAY BACK YOUR STUDENT LOANS BEFORE YOU DIE.

Self Destruct

Oh man. I’m really feeling out of sorts. So what do I do when this kind of thing happens? I go on a self destructive OkCupid messaging spree. Remember this guy? Well, I messaged him. Because he kept looking at my goddamn profile! Like stop looking at it, or just fucking message me you dipshit. And since I had nothing better to do at 11pm, I present you with the following.

You hear that ladies and gents? More interesting claptrap to come tomorrow. He better not disappoint. He does seem to be responsive to that the whole “negging” strategy that is just so dumb that it works.

If he were to ask me out, I would totally go on one of this stupid dates to a dance party at a loft, just so I could blog about it. And then kill myself.

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