The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Tag: OkCupid

The Jacket My Date Wore

In dishonor of New York Fashion Week (Feb 9th-16th) I am going to be sharing some fashion related thoughts with all of you throughout the week. As a note, I have a degree in Fashion Design and spent some time working for various fashion companies. It was the worst. I continue to have opinions about fashion, the main one being: Seriously, what the fuck are you wearing? So for the next week don your best headband and enjoy the ride.

So on Saturday I went on a date. He was from the land of OkCupid and I used Whitney Houston’s death as a way to end the date early. What does this have to do with fashion? you may be asking yourselves right about now. Let’s just file this under “things that guys shouldn’t wear on a first date or ever, even if their life depended on it.” This the coat my date wore:

:shudder: I’ll give you all a few moments to process this. I know what you’re thinking, “what does his jacket have to do with what kind of person he is?” And to you, I say this: A lot.

We are in a time where it is perfectly acceptable for a man to know how to dress himself properly. There are magazines, websites, television shows, movies, and countless other forms of media that a dude can get sartorial inspiration from. Do you know that this jacket says to me? Do you know what kind of inspiration I think you had when you picked this out?


You remind me of a neo-Nazi. You remind me of all the people that weren’t Edward Norton in American History X or Ryan Gosling in The Believer. Because for you, I cannot separate your hideous jacket from somewhat “eh” personality. If his jacket or other parts of his outfit had been better, it might have detracted a little bit from the fact that he was asking me idiotic questions about Alaska (where I grew up) like, “I just saw The Grey. Are wolves like a thing there?” He also kept looking up things on Google on his phone. You’re on a date. Set it aside for a second.

I am not even kidding you when I tell you that I turned the corner and saw a guy in that jacket and immediately thought to myself, “I really hope that’s not him.” And it was. All night I just kept looking at that jacket, crumpled up next to him, wishing I had the ability to set things on fire with my eyes. It was puffy and ill-fitting. There are times and places for jackets like that. I am willing to say that hunting is probably the only place that a jacket like that would be acceptable. Not on a first date in Williamsburg the hippest part of Brooklyn./insert eyeroll. And frankly, since the earth is dying from all the punishment we are putting it through, it wasn’t even that cold out on Saturday. He would have been okay in a nice wool sweater and a scarf.

But it’s winter, he’s just trying to stay warm, you say? Well, I’ve got some advice for all of you guys out there in need of a date/LIFE appropriate winter jacket: It’s called a peacoat. Nothing fancy. You don’t even have to have any fashion sense and you can still look good in a well-fitted peacoat. As Mindy Kaling wrote in her book, “guys need to do almost nothing to be great.” Her words are truest when applied to fashion.

This is the kind of coat you wear on a first date.

Do you think that Ryan Gosling wore that green monstrosity on his first date with Eva Mendes? I don’t think so. If he had, I don’t think they’d be dating. I mean, Ryan Gosling is hot, but that coat green coat is fucking terrible.

Peacoats not your thing? Try a slightly fitted, wool coat, with minimal embellishments. Make sure that the shoulder seams are hitting at your shoulders. I can’t tell you how many people I see with coats a least a size too big for them. This coat below is a nice alternative.

via llbean

So a few things that hopefully you will be taking with you the next time you go coat shopping:

  • Wool is always good. It looks expensive, doesn’t have to be.
  • Peacoats! If they are good enough for Ryan Gosling, they are good enough for you.
  • Slightly fitted coats with a zipper are a nice alternative for the man who thinks peacoats aren’t for him.
  • Make sure the shoulder seam is hitting you at your shoulder. Not below, not above, but at.
  • Navy, black, gray, and brown. You can’t go wrong with these colors. They are fool proof.
  • Stay away from shiny fabric!
  • Take someone with you to buy a coat if you feel like you are completely hopeless.

This shouldn’t really be that hard. You’re an adult. Start dressing like one.

I Owe You One, Whitney.

The Associated Press just broke the news a little while ago that the star of the Preacher’s Wife, Whitney Houston has passed away.

This is pretty sad news. We all knew she was troubled and had some pretty big problems with substance abuse, but everyone loves a comeback and that’s what we were hoping for. Unfortunately, that dream ended this evening.

As sad as this news is, it broke at just the right time. I know that sounds like, really, really bad, buuuuuttttttt, I was one a date that was sort of circling the drain (I paid for our drinks and he didn’t even say thank you!) and when he went to the bathroom, I checked Facebook and BAM! I had my out. Those three words “RIP Whitney Houston” were like a shining beacon of hope.

He came back and I said, “Whitney Houston DIED!” I acted deeply saddened and said I should probably get going.

Whitney Houston basically provided me with the perfect escape plan. And for that, I owe her everything.

You will be missed and I hope you’ve finally found someone to dance with, girl.

What People are Searching for This Week

I think I’ve decided on a new weekly feature. If you couldn’t glean what it is from the title of this post, well, there’s just no hope for you as a functioning human being. Every Friday I am going to look at the search engine terms that are leading people to my blog according to the good folks at WordPress. I’ll probably link to some existing content that would explain how those search terms would help people end up on my little corner of the internet. I’m looking for ways to make sure that I keep posting and that there is interesting content being published. And nothing is more interesting to me than what people type into Ask Jeeves.

So for the first installment: 8.12.2011 thru 8.19.2011:


val kilmer 6
half ton teen 6
aj mclean 6
sam elliott roadhouse 4
cigarette holder 3
mandy sellars losing legs 2
schmitts gay 2
a. j. mclean 2
the movie lifeguard 2
people with crossed eyes 2
me and my giant leg 2
cartoon unicorns 2
woman with giant legs photos 2
librarian whole body picture 2
no whistling zone 2
friend heart 1
a.j mclean 1
fortune cookies on misery 1
“hate whistling” 1
sam elliott+road house 1
lisa frank unicorn 1
james alexander mclean 1
which days do people go grocery shopping in new york? 1
small black cocktail hats 1
half ton dad 1
roy marathon man 1
sam elliot+roadhouse 1
tombstone the movie val kilmer quotes 1
one leg only girls 1
snl schmitts gay 1
fatty thing 1
1 ton dad after 1
tour guide humor 1
hilariousandnegative 1
lifeguard movie 1


It’s nice to see that Val Kilmer, AJ McLean, and Half Ton Teen still have what it takes to be constantly looked up on the interwebs. But the main search term, well two really, that caught my eye, were: ‘one leg only girls’ and ‘librarian whole body picture’. I’m inclined to believe, because this is the internet after all, that the one and two people respectively, searching for these terms are fetishists. Maybe it’s because I know that the internet is the crawling with weirdos (hey every person I Yahoo! chatted with in 1998!) or maybe it’s because I’m weird and always like to take things to that next level of “what-if-ery”.

I mean, why else would someone be searching for ‘librarian whole body picture’? Obviously, they have a thing for librarians, that can’t be fulfilled at their local library. Well, I guess it could, but they run the risk of being arrested and put on a registered sex offenders list. ‘one leg only girls’ also begs the question of “why?”. To me, it would seem less weird if ‘girls’ was singular. Having it plural seems to indicate there is something going on. When I Googled the phrase, a lot of answer-type sites came up with questions like, “Why do girls wear anklets on only one leg?” Um, because wearing them on both is overkill. Haven’t you ever heard that you’re supposed to take off one accessory before you leave the house? No need to be tacky, folks! Another favorite was, “Why do girls/women always lift one leg up when they are kissing a guy?” According to the geniuses answering questions on Yahoo! Answers, it’s a subconscious act of flirtation. There you have it world. SCIENTIFIC FACT. Maybe ladies do this in case they need extra force behind kneeing someone in the groin. Or maybe it’s because we are silly girls who wear pink and want our lives to be like the Princess Diaries.



Ha! What a joke.

Well, that’s it for tonight ya’ll. I’m supposed to be getting ready for an OkCupid date that’s happening in a little while. Is it really a date if we are meeting for drinks in a bar? I don’t even feel like drinking. I am going to seem like a total square. I’m already over it. I can’t tell if it’s a good or bad thing to go in there with an “I could really give a shit” attitude. I think it’s starting to rain outside, that’s always a good sign right?

Stick around these here parts to hear how my date went and also hope that this coming week is full of wacky search terms leading people to Hilarious and Negative!

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