Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Tag: random

Things That One Should Not Do In Public

People should not clip their nails in public. Why? Are you seriously questioning this? What is wrong with you?

It’s disgusting, that’s why. And surprisingly, this is a thing that people do. Maybe it’s because I live in NYC and I take the subway and am surrounded by all types of people. People that never realized that personal grooming is best saved for the home. I even find women who do their makeup on the train obnoxious. It’s a hazard, you could poke your eye out with that eyeliner or rip out all your lashes as you’re trying to curl them. But I digress.

STOP CLIPPING YOUR FUCKING NAILS IN PUBLIC.

I was on the train heading to work the other morning around 9am and there was a woman standing, leaning against the doors just clipping away. Clip, clip, clip. That’s all you could hear. I’m not really a germaphobe, I mean, I’ve dropped food on the kitchen floor and dusted it off; but there is something about getting things that were once attached to a person, on your personage. Like when you have to clean your roommates hair out of the drain. It’s that same kind of grossed out feeling.

Why would any person think this is a normal thing to do? Do it in your home! Go to a nail salon! But seriously stop fucking doing it on the train! I don’t want your nail clippings in my hair. Or anywhere on me for that matter.

Sacred Stall

Known better by it’s scientific name: Stallus defecationious.

It’s your comfort zone. The one place you go to during the work day where you know you can get some quiet. Where you rush to when your morning coffee has tickled your bowels loose. It’s your favorite bathroom stall. Your pooping stall.

Pooping at work is the best. It always feels like you are putting one over on the place/people you work for. As if you just don’t care enough to hold it in and give yourself colon cancer. You don’t respect your workplace enough anymore to do them that favor.

But for some, it’s a shameful secret.

Don’t fret little ones, you are not alone. Join the millions of workplace poopers.

Favorite Thing: Male Eddie Bauer Models

Okay, obviously if I am here posting on a Saturday night, I did not go out and buy a stranger a drink. So sue me. I did however, do a yoga dvd. At one point, when the dude in the video was telling me to breathe, I said, “oh blow it out your ass.” As much as I try to make it, I don’t think yoga is necessarily for me. Aaaaaannnnnddddd….I just ate an ice cream sundae. Fuck yeah, I’m alone on a Saturday night watching Zoolander, eating ice cream, and blogging about Eddie Bauer models. Try not to die of jealousy.

Eddie Bauer catalog, light of my life. This catalog is probably one of the best things that I get in the mailbox. Well, technically my roommate gets it in the mail and I hi-jack it. This is why:

 

I built this dock myself.

 

I imagine this guy just pulled up to the dock outside of his remote cabin. I’m sure he built that cabin with his bare hands. He just needed a place he could retreat to, to clear his mind. He probably fell into a really great advertising job, but he missed working with his hands. That’s why he built the cabin. It has a working fire place and a Navajo inspired rug he sourced from a local village artisan in the southwest. The moment he arrives, he lights the fire and pours himself a tumbler of scotch. Then lays down on his vintage leather couch with a copy of Tender is the Night. There’s a knock at the door. He pads lightly over to the door and smiles when he sees who is standing there, “I thought you’d never get here.” He pulls her into the cabin by her waist, kissing her passionately. She sighs against his mouth, “You have no idea.” She grabs his scotch and takes a sip, letting the glass linger on her lips. He takes the glass from her hand and puts it on the hand-carved, oak side table. He pulls off his fair isle sweater and tosses it on the couch. He grins while he runs a hand through his hair. He lays down in front of the fire, extending his hand to her. She bites her lower lip as he pulls her down on top of him….

Huh? What was I talking about? Oh right. There’s also this guy:

 

Sorry, I didn’t have time to shave…I was busy rebuilding an old plane.

 

I bet he’s a pilot. He owns a small plane. It’s May and he has some place to be. He absolutely can not be late. He hops into his plane and just flies. When he arrives, he just stands in the back, waiting. When the ceremony is over, he sees her talking with a few of her friends. He pushes through the crowd grabs her hand. She turns around and when she sees him, her eyes light up, “You made it! I thought you had a meeting.” He pulls her into him, “I wouldn’t miss this for the world. It’s not every day my girlfriend gets her Ph.D. ” She laughs, “I guess not! But how did you get here?” He brushes a strand of hair behind her ear, “I flew.” She puts her hands on his shoulders, “You flew?” He gently kisses the side of her mouth, “Of course I flew, I had to be here. I love you.”

And scene.

Seriously. This is how I spend my days. Waiting for the Eddie Bauer catalog to arrive in the mail so that I can make up romanticized stories about their male models. It’s not a bad way to live. Do you think if I called their customer service and asked for the names and phone numbers of these models, they would give them to me?

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