Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Tag: Science

Your Friday Night Barf Inducer

Everything I hate, all in one person.

You all are going to hate me after this post. It’s okay, I already hate myself.

When I got home from work today, I decided against doing laundry and instead decided to catch up on the Jersey Shore episode I missed last night. Go ahead and judge me, but I never thought I would love that show as much as I do. I even like Ron and Sam this season…mainly because they are hardly ever on camera. And we can all just go ahead and agree that “The Situation” is the worst person on that show. What’s with the way he walks? It’s like he is walking around while pinching a penny with his ass. I don’t get it. Also Vinny and Pauly D are amazing. The three of us need to hang out. The best part about that is, they will still be able to use the acronym ‘MVP’, because I’m the ‘M’! IT’S MY DESTINY.

But this isn’t why I’m here this evening. When I was on MTV’s website, they have a little section on the side for “Hot Videos”. Since I’m an old lady and don’t know anything about what kids who only have access to MTV are listening to, I took a gander. At the very bottom was a link to the video “Vans On” by some Vanilla Ice looking idiot. My initial feeling on just the title of the song was, “Christ, another fucking song about Vans?” Turns out I was correct! Apparently he likes to, “fuck ’em with his Vans on.” OH GOD THIS SONG AND VIDEO IS SO TERRIBLE.

First of all, I don’t think dropping every dated pop culture reference you can think of into your ‘rap’ (I’m using the term loosely)  makes you a) relevant or b) interesting. Major Payne? David Blaine? Fresh Prince? You were barely functioning during the 90s T. Mills, so shut up about it!

Second of all, what is up with his look? Neck tattoos, check. Gauged ears, check. Awful hair, check. Baggy skinny jeans, check. This kid is basically a walking nightmare. I say if you’re going to have a neck tattoo, you might want to reign in some of the awful parts about your appearance. I don’t want to offend people who have invested in neck tattoos, so just know that I go on a case by case basis for judging people and I’ve judged this putz to beawful.

Remember the whole, lesbians who look like Justin Bieber thing? Well, I have a sneaking suspicion that “Lesbians who look like T. Mills” might be taking off pretty soon.

Of course I couldn’t stop myself from going further down the rabbit hole. His twitter, not surprisingly is terrible. I think he was trying to get a trend going with #replacefilmtitleswithvagina. And of course girls were tweeting their versions at him. Ladies! Stop! He is not worth tweeting at! Have you heard his music? Have you seen his grammar? Stop wasting your precious time and go study something! Oddly enough, the picture he uses as a background on his twitter page isn’t unlike what my head did when I saw this next video.

No, you heard correctly. He did say, “You so scandalous but damn that pussy glamorous.”

I am getting so much use out of this gif.

The kid is 22! How much could he possibly know about vaginas? And how does a vagina become ‘glamorous’? How is this achieved? Does it get a blowout? Does it wear Gucci shades and carry an Hermes bag? Is the vajazzling done exclusively at Bvlgari? Does it only go to the most exclusive parties? I DON’T UNDERSTAND PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.

He must be stopped. We can’t allow him to become some anti-Bieber convincing young girls to glamorize their vaginas. Not on my watch.

I apologize for ruining your Friday night.

image via

Fashion Week

In dishonor of New York Fashion Week (Feb 9th-16th) I am going to be sharing some fashion related thoughts with all of you throughout the week. As a note, I have a degree in Fashion Design and spent some time working for various fashion companies. It was the worst. I continue to have opinions about fashion, the main one being: Seriously, what the fuck are you wearing? So for the next week don your best headband and enjoy the ride.

When I see girls in ridiculously high heels in inappropriate situations I often find myself willing their ankles to snap. I know it’s not very nice of me, but it’s also not very nice what they are doing to their feet, ankles, knees, and back.

Why for the love of all that is good in the world, would you ever need to be wearing 5-inch heels to be walking around New York City or ANY PLACE for the matter? There is no good reason, because it’s not necessary. You look like you’re trying too hard. Like way too hard. No one likes that.

According to a study by researchers at a Griffith University in Australia conducted on women who have been wearing heels for at least 40 hours a week for over a period of two years,

” the scientists found that heel wearers moved with shorter, more forceful strides than the control group, their feet perpetually in a flexed, toes-pointed position. This movement pattern continued even when the women kicked off their heels and walked barefoot. As a result, the fibers in their calf muscles had shortened and they put much greater mechanical strain on their calf muscles”

All of this leads to straight to a Liberty motor scooter! Your ankles will be broken, your toes will be hammered, and no man will ever love you because your feet look like a combination of Frodo Baggins and the Elephant Man.

Now, I’m not saying, “don’t ever wear high heels.”  I own a few good pairs myself and put them on occasionally when I like to pretend that I’m glamorous. But as with anything, do it in moderation. No one looks good hobbling down the street at 2 am because their heels are too high. It ain’t cute. Standing up straight and being able to outrun your attackers, is.

Today In Searches

I like to check the stats of my blog. Because I like to cry over how many people aren’t visiting during the day. One of my favorite things to look at is the “Search Engine Terms”…you know, those words that you type into Google, that eventually lead you here and then have you scratching your head wondering what you’ve gotten yourself into. I used to do a weekly post on this, but it got kind of tiresome because people were always searching for the same thing: Jean-Claude Van Damme’s ass. I mean, I don’t blame them, it’s a nice ass. And honestly, that search term has brought me a lot of viewers–but I sensed that people were probably getting tired of basically reading the same blog post week after week…for like 4 weeks.

HOWEVER! I couldn’t keep this search term to myself. Today when I was checking my stats, through my tears (seriously you guys, start making me popular!) I saw this gem: Jonathan Frakes Naked !!!!!!!!! I added those exclamation points for effect.

Someone is actually searching for a picture of a naked Jonathan Frakes! I want to know more about this person! Male or Female? Young or old? Strictly just a Next Generation fan? What are their thoughts on Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction?

But most importantl; Jonathan Frakes naked during his peak?

Or Jonathan Frakes naked now? I guess busy, leisure shirts really get some people going?

Either way, this just confirms that I am writing about relevant topics that people in the year 2012 care about. I win the Internet!!

Frakes photo from: http://tv.yahoo.com/jonathan-frakes/contributor/32367/photos/1

 

 

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