The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Tag: Valentine’s Day

You’re Doing Valentine’s Day Wrong

art by Jon Defreest via Vulture

While I was in Duane Reade picking up some toothpaste and other assorted sundries, I noticed the mad rush of men (and a few ladies) buying last minute Valentine’s Day gifts for their wife, girlfriend, side piece, boyfriend, or some combination of the four.

Seriously? You think your significant other is going to be impressed with the shitty teddy bear and box of Whitman’s chocolates (you cheap bastard, at least spring for some decent chocolates) you bought last minute at the drugstore? Do you really think that’s going to get you laid? News flash: It’s not.

My guess is, if your partner is the kind of person that gets really jazzed about Valentine’s Day and is expecting a gift, he or she is going to notice that you put exactly zero effort in to your gift choices. I’m also assuming that you’re the type of person that would leave the price tag on that tacky bear, showing just how much you “value” your loved one.

When it comes to gift giving, the recipient usually knows when you put some thought into it and when you didn’t. In the words of Deena from the Jersey Shore, “this isn’t rocket scientist.

Now, the only Valentine wishes I get are from friends, but I’ve seen my fair share of romantic comedies and know how healthy relationships work. Your drugstore finds at a 3pm on the day of the special occasion are not cutting it.

I’m not saying gifts have to be expensive or that you should even buy a gift for someone. Sometimes all the person wants, is to know that you love them and value them as a person.

These don’t have to be grand romantic gestures. Maybe if your significant other always needs coffee at a certain time of the day and you’re nearby, you can show up with coffee and a nice note. Maybe you never cook or pay for the meal when you go out; now is your chance! Homemade gifts are always nice. I don’t care if they come out shitty, taking time out to sit down and create something shows someone that they are worth your time. Also, craft supplies ain’t cheap, y’all. Get creative! If your significant other has been waiting forever for their turn to read a book at the library, go and buy it for them. They’ll know that you’ve been paying attention to them every time they’ve complained about the book being checked out.

Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day is pretty stupid, but no one wants to look like a giant asshole. Which is what you are going to look like if you show up with a sampler pack of chocolates and carnations that you bought at a gas station/bodega on your way home.

Hopefully this post reaches people before they get a box of Whitman’s chucked at their face.

Whitman’s? Really? You’re just asking for it.

The Best or Worst News of the Day

Depending on which side of the sexuality spectrum you fall on, the following piece of news will either be the best or worst thing you’ll hear on Valentine’s Day.

via Buzzfeed

America’s and arguably the world’s most handsome television actor, Matt Bomer, is gay. Straight ladies, I’ll give you a moment to get some tissues to dry your eyes with. Gay men, you can just settle down, we don’t need you rubbing this one in our faces. I’m having a lame enough week as it is!

On Saturday when Bomer was accepting a Steve Chase Humanitarian Award for the Desert AIDs Project he thanked Simon and his three children from the stage.

Obviously he wasn’t that in the closet considering he has three kids with his partner Simon. This is just one less celebrity that I stand a chance with you guys. I mean, I’m becoming more practical in my old age when it comes to celebrity crushes; I barely have the energy to get emotionally involved if i know they are dating someone or married. But gay? Pining after a gay guy just makes me look delusional! And that’s no good.

I’m this close to pulling a “Just One of the Guys.” Well, if he breaks up with his man. I don’t want to be a beef thief.

So, gay men, you win this round! But we still have Ryan Gosling. And you are sorely mistaken if you think I’m going to let that happen. You will have to pry him from my cold, dead, hands.

Another One Bites the Dust

Another Valentine’s Day has passed. And in keeping with tradition–a grand tradition if I may–it was spent alone. In all of my years alive, never have I spent a Valentine’s Day with that “special someone”. In all of my 24 years on this Earth–14 of them where I was old enough to care if I had a Valentine–spent alone. How sad for me. But not really, because it’s not like having a Valentine validates your worth as a person. Or does it? Maybe I missed that memo.

My fondest Valentine’s Day memory, is from when I was a Freshman in college and all of my two friends that year were both spending it at home, leaving me bored and alone in my dorm room. I was painting my fingernails and had just finished watching the “St. Valentine’s Day Massacre” on the History Channel and had moved on to something lighter–the movie PHILADELPHIA; which is probably the most depressing thing you can watch, on what can be an already pretty depressing “holiday”. I think I was eating a sandwich from our school “cafe” called the Teahouse. It was probably gross. Anyways, I’m watching Philadelphia, painting my nails, hoping for a swift and painless death, when there is a knock at my door. Who could it be? Just four or so of my closest foreign (male) friends holding a Valentine’s Day card for me! They were a rag tag bunch of dudes from various countries studying English at the EF school on our campus…which oddly enough is our campus now. They had all signed it; in their broken English. It was the best thing a single gal could ask for on her very first Valentine’s Day out of high school. Then they left and I went back to eating my sandwich and crying as Tom Hanks’s character is dying from AIDS. The only question that comes out of this, is: WHY WOULD TNT SHOW PHILADELPHIA ON VALENTINE’S DAY?!?!

That story isn’t really the point of this post. The point of this post wast to let all of you know that my Valentine’s Day did not pan out the way that I had hoped for…in any of the various versions that I had created in my mind. All of these fantasies are based at work, because that’s where I was spending my Valentine’s Day–I had to keep it somewhat based in reality. They all involve my customer boyfriend. Now before all of you think I’ve gone off the deep end, let me just make a few things clear. This is a guy that comes into the store usually about once a week, never buys anything–except for one time a little over a year ago. Whenever he comes in, he always waves and says “hi” to me. And on his way out, he always makes sure to say goodbye. One time, he was outside of the store and made sure to wave goodbye to me, from outside–I LOVE HIM. Anyways, we are on a first name basis with each other. We’ve talked a couple of times. I’ve made him laugh…and frankly, there is nothing hotter than when a hot guy is laughing at something I’ve said. I know a surprising amount of information about him–THAT I DIDN’T GOOGLE OR FACEBOOK (mainly because he is ungoogleable. Believe me. I tried.) I’ve forgotten where I am trying to go with this…probably in the direction that makes me sound less pathetic. He is manly. He isn’t on of these manboys, who is built like a Jonas Brother.

I am pretty sure that they all have vaginas.

Basically, I choose to believe that the only reason he comes into where I work is to see me, but he is just too shy to ask me out. That is what gets me through the day. Hopefully, he never reads this.

Right. The different ways I was hoping my Valentine’s could go.

Version 1: I am at the register, there isn’t a line. I probably look bored and uninterested in what is going on around me–typical. I see him come into the store. He’s carrying flowers. Not roses, because that’s dumb. Maybe lilies? or possibly a plant–because that would be different and special. He comes to the register and says, “These are for you. I just want you to know that I’ve been coming here just to see you. You’re so beautiful. I’d come every day, but I don’t want to be like the rest of these losers. I’ve been wanting to ask you out for the longest time and I just couldn’t wait anymore. I hope I’m not embarrassing myself…” and of course I am like “hell no you aren’t embarrassing yourself, I have been waiting for this day to come for FOREVER.”  And we live happily ever after.

Version 2: I am work…maybe working at the register or maybe I am picking up after people out on the sales floor. A customer asks me a question and doesn’t like the answer I am giving them and they start yelling at me. Lets say it’s a male customer, because this happens a lot, because men who don’t know me seem to think it’s okay to berate me at my place of work. I’m just standing there clenching my fists and rolling my eyes like always. Anyways, while this is going down and he comes into the store and sees what is happening and rushes over to me. He tells the guy to shut the fuck up or there is going to be a problem. The guy leaves, cause he doesn’t want to get punched in the face. My customer boyfriend hugs me and asks me if I’m okay. I tell him I am and he is all like, “I don’t want you working here anymore. This place is shitty. You are better than this. You deserve better than this. Let me take care of you. I want you to pursue whatever makes you happy, I don’t want you to have to worry about shit like this anymore. You deserve to do what you want to do. I want you to be happy.”  and I’m all like, “HELLS YEAH  you can take care of me. Let me go grab my purse.” Fuck this working bullshit, let me pursue my dreams and not have to clean up after jackals who can’t hang back up a shirt ’cause they are lazy. (ed.’s note: I am a totally self sufficient female. I live by myself, pay my own bills, clean up after myself, cook my own meals, I am smart and capable of providing everything for myself, ON MY OWN. HOWEVER. This does not mean, that I don’t think it would be nice, if someone wanted to do that shit for me. I would love to not have work at some shitty job that takes up most of my valuable time in order to pay my own bills. It sucks.)

Version 3: I am leaving work and see him standing outside waiting for me. It’s snowing…he says “hi” and hands me a card. And it says, “When I saw your face and heard your voice, I felt my life begin.”  I smile and look at him. And he kisses me….aaaaand we live happily ever after.  (ed.’s note: That saying is from an actual Hallmark card…I used to work at a Hallmark and I would buy cards for the  (sometimes) interesting sayings or pictures on them. That one was one of my favorites.)

Since none of my original Valentine’s Day plans panned out, you may be wondering how I actually spent the day. Well, I spent most of it at work. Then I came home, made myself some pasta, with Morning Star Farms italian sausage, watched Brief Interviews with Hideous Men (meh. It wasn’t that good. I am sure the book is probably better.)  on Netflix Instant and ate some cookies. And then, because I’ve been reading this book called Seagalogy, I decided to watch a Steven Seagal film. My first ever. I started with Hard to Kill. It does not disappoint. Especially with gems like this:

As I was watching the movie, I started grossing myself out, because I was like, “he’s not that bad looking.” and when I say “he” I am referring to STEVEN SEAGAL. Which is gross. But this was 1990. So it was like sort of acceptable to think he was okay looking. I mean, this is what he looked like back then:

Ugh, I totally gross myself out.

All in all, Valentine’s Day wasn’t so bad!

Feel free to share you Balemtime’s Day stories in the comments and also if you have any suggestions on how to get my customer boyfriend to ask me out, leave those in the comments too! Why wouldn’t he want to ask me out?! I am smart, funny, and waaaay pretty according to creepy old men!

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