Ahmusings

The 98% humorous musings of M. Lizabeth Currain

Tag: videos

Your Friday Night Barf Inducer

Everything I hate, all in one person.

You all are going to hate me after this post. It’s okay, I already hate myself.

When I got home from work today, I decided against doing laundry and instead decided to catch up on the Jersey Shore episode I missed last night. Go ahead and judge me, but I never thought I would love that show as much as I do. I even like Ron and Sam this season…mainly because they are hardly ever on camera. And we can all just go ahead and agree that “The Situation” is the worst person on that show. What’s with the way he walks? It’s like he is walking around while pinching a penny with his ass. I don’t get it. Also Vinny and Pauly D are amazing. The three of us need to hang out. The best part about that is, they will still be able to use the acronym ‘MVP’, because I’m the ‘M’! IT’S MY DESTINY.

But this isn’t why I’m here this evening. When I was on MTV’s website, they have a little section on the side for “Hot Videos”. Since I’m an old lady and don’t know anything about what kids who only have access to MTV are listening to, I took a gander. At the very bottom was a link to the video “Vans On” by some Vanilla Ice looking idiot. My initial feeling on just the title of the song was, “Christ, another fucking song about Vans?” Turns out I was correct! Apparently he likes to, “fuck ’em with his Vans on.” OH GOD THIS SONG AND VIDEO IS SO TERRIBLE.

First of all, I don’t think dropping every dated pop culture reference you can think of into your ‘rap’ (I’m using the term loosely)  makes you a) relevant or b) interesting. Major Payne? David Blaine? Fresh Prince? You were barely functioning during the 90s T. Mills, so shut up about it!

Second of all, what is up with his look? Neck tattoos, check. Gauged ears, check. Awful hair, check. Baggy skinny jeans, check. This kid is basically a walking nightmare. I say if you’re going to have a neck tattoo, you might want to reign in some of the awful parts about your appearance. I don’t want to offend people who have invested in neck tattoos, so just know that I go on a case by case basis for judging people and I’ve judged this putz to beawful.

Remember the whole, lesbians who look like Justin Bieber thing? Well, I have a sneaking suspicion that “Lesbians who look like T. Mills” might be taking off pretty soon.

Of course I couldn’t stop myself from going further down the rabbit hole. His twitter, not surprisingly is terrible. I think he was trying to get a trend going with #replacefilmtitleswithvagina. And of course girls were tweeting their versions at him. Ladies! Stop! He is not worth tweeting at! Have you heard his music? Have you seen his grammar? Stop wasting your precious time and go study something! Oddly enough, the picture he uses as a background on his twitter page isn’t unlike what my head did when I saw this next video.

No, you heard correctly. He did say, “You so scandalous but damn that pussy glamorous.”

I am getting so much use out of this gif.

The kid is 22! How much could he possibly know about vaginas? And how does a vagina become ‘glamorous’? How is this achieved? Does it get a blowout? Does it wear Gucci shades and carry an Hermes bag? Is the vajazzling done exclusively at Bvlgari? Does it only go to the most exclusive parties? I DON’T UNDERSTAND PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.

He must be stopped. We can’t allow him to become some anti-Bieber convincing young girls to glamorize their vaginas. Not on my watch.

I apologize for ruining your Friday night.

image via

Vintage David Duchovny

I should be doing homework (for that fucking group project) or studying for a quiz on Wednesday…but it’s Sunday and I have more important things to do. Like scour the internet for pictures of this week’s Vintage Crush, David Duchovny!!

I want to believe…that I will find someone like Mulder!

David Duchovny as a Vintage Crush is long overdue. I spent the better half of my first semester of graduate school watching every episode of the X-Files. Even the ones without Duchovny (Not worth it!). For the sake of this post, lets just pretend that Duchovny is exactly like his character Fox Mulder. Flawed, but in a way that is beautiful. Emotional, brooding, etc., etc. Ugh! I could go on forever about how much I love the Mulder character. Duchovny did one hell of a job making me fall in love with him. Stupid Scully!

The best part about David Duchovny is that he was hot in the 90’s. Do you know how hard that is to pull off? First, he had to deal with a pretty awful haircut. Second, those 90’s suits and jeans? Not flattering! Yet, he somehow manages to look good in them! There were a lot of things working against him. No matter how hard the 90’s tried, they just couldn’t make him not hot. That’s why he’s a Vintage Crush!

See what I mean?

Some basics according to IMDB:

Full Name: David William Duchovny

Born: August 7, 1960 in New York City, New York, USA

Height: 6’1″ (almost) Tall and handsome!

Films/Television: He’s acted in 65 titles. He’s also a writer, director, and producer!

Fun Fact: He went to Princeton. Then he got his Master’s in English Literature from Yale! Then he started a Ph.D. at Yale, but left to pursue acting. According to Wikipedia (the source to rival all other sources), the title to his unfinished doctoral thesis was, “Magic and Technology in Contemporary Poetry and Prose”. I don’t even know what that means…but I bet it was going to be fantastic.

…and, YES. Plus, he has a sex addiction…so that might actually work in my favor!

Do you need a lift? Why yes I do!

Seriously, what is not to love about David Duchovny? He’s tall, he’s handsome, he’s super smart. He was in a pretty terrible awesome romcom called Return to Me.  He was also in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. This guy is pretty much the best. I also dare anyone to watch The X-Files and not fall in love with him. The whole backstory about his sister and how he is always rescuing Scully…it’s pretty much the best thing that there is. Also, The Red Shoe Diaries…erotic drama series anyone? Twin Peaks! The list could go on and on.

Perfect.

This song is too perfect. And very true…David Duchovny, why don’t you love me?

David Duchovny, hovering above me…sigh.

Have a great night everyone!

%d bloggers like this: