I think that if we were to look in an online picture dictionary, next to Wednesday would be this:
Let’s be real here. We only like Wednesday because it’s two days away from Monday. But we also hate Wednesday because it’s two days from Friday.
WHAT SIDE ARE YOU ON WEDNESDAY?
So I’ve decided on a new business venture. And I’m hoping that some of you will help me get the word out. So here’s the plan: I am going to offer critiques of guys OkCupid profiles for a low cost of $10 and a rewrite for $35. Fuck it, for $10 bucks I will prescreen the message you are about to send to the girl of your dreams for anything weird/disgusting/offensive that would potentially turn her off.
I’ve spent a lot of time on OkCupid, read a lot of profiles–mostly bad–and been on my fair share of OkCupid dates. Also mostly bad. I know my way around a profile. I think it’s time that I spread my knowledge around and help those that are struggling at attracting the kind of people they want to. We all know that I’m good at breaking down a profile, it’s time to put those skills to use and not just for my own personal entertainment. There are just so many poorly written OkCupid profiles out there. It’s shocking and gross. Also, disturbing and funny. Now, the point is not to make you a completely different person online than you are IRL (in real life, in case you are reading this before the year 2010). I just want you to help you have a coherent profile that doesn’t immediately turn people off. The internet dating profile is essentially the Elevator Pitch of dating. You basically either hook within the first few sentences or they click on “NakedLunch1981” who happens to be “more adventurous” than you. I can help you with this. I can help make your profile vomit proof. You won’t regret it.
Contact me at m.lizabeth.currain@gmail.com if you’re interested or if you have a stubborn friend whose profile is in desperate need of help.
In case any of you were ever wondering what $75,000 (plus interest!) looks like or what it buys you, let me enlighten you.
Now, I don’t want to sound entitled, but I think for $75k they should have at least included a frame. So not only did I spend almost a $100 grand on a piece of paper that looks like it was made by students in the Graphic Design program, I now have to spend an extra $20 for a frame? Seriously, look at this piece of shit. I am pretty sure that is a sticker at the top under the name of the school I went to. A STICKER. And what font is that even? Times New Roman? I’m surprised they didn’t print it in Wing Dings.
And let’s not even get into the fact that Forbes named Library Science THE WORST MASTER’S DEGREE TO GET. And Pratt couldn’t even make up for that fact by printing it on a piece of paper larger than your standard 8.5″ by 11″.
And just for fun, I dug up my Diploma from undergrad and did a little comparison.
Look at how much bigger that thing is! And look at the delicate scribbles around the name of the university, which may I point out is IN LATIN. In fact, the whole god damn thing is in Latin, except for my fucking name. And for four years, it was roughly the same price when you factor in scholarships and various other things I did to get my tuition down (blow jobs, hand jobs, etc.). And! All that stuff was embossed! EMBOSSED. They had better sense than to use a fucking sticker.
So let me break this down for you in case you still aren’t getting it. $75,000 will get you an 8.5″ by 11″, MS Paint, Lisa Frank sticker wearing, Wing Ding, unframed piece OF BULLSHIT THAT WON’T GET YOU A JOB THAT WILL ALLOW YOU TO PAY BACK YOUR STUDENT LOANS BEFORE YOU DIE.
Ahmusings 